Don't know if I should laugh or cry!

[Stephanie2]

After 2 days of rages and meltdowns (from both kids, but mostly ds6), my brain is fried and I am in need of some wine but I don't know how to open a darn wine bottle!! LOL! I am serious. And strangely enough, the one bottle of wine we have has no label on it (????) so if I were to drink it I would have not a clue what it is.

 

I finally got the kids under control but now I am just collapsing on the couch and this is what I see as I look around my house: refridgerator and freezer are wide open with contents on the kitchen floor, there is a fort in the living room with hot dogs and ketchup inside smeared around, the groceries I brought home are out of their bags and all over the floor, there is pee in the little potty I keep in the kitchen (could be worse there!), there are shoes and clothes all over the house - on the backs of chairs, the floor, every surface pretty much, there are open bags and boxes of snacks in every room, none of this week's homework is done but is spread all over the table, there are bins of supplements stacked in the kitchen waiting to be taken by the kids, ds2 is running around the house with just a t-shirt on (not potty trained) and in desperate need of a bath, plus he is limping b/c he has a leg cramp, ds6 is walking in circles in the living room eating gluten free crackers, there are containers of water and syringes and puddles of water on the kitchen floor, did I mention the playroom? I won't even go there.

 

As I am typing this, DH just walked in and looked around and I just started cracking up!! Am I losing it??

 

But here's the real vent. Luckily I have a good doctor for the kids who told me about the klebsiella about an hour before the classic klebsiella rages began, so we already had the antibiotics on the way. OK, crisis only lasted a few hours, dodged a bullet. But what the heck, he also showed strep in his stool analysis. Yesterday, I tried to reduce the kids' olive leaf once again (4th or 5th time trying this) and they both had pandas today! DS2 wanted to be held and was obsessive over everything this morning. DS6, on top of coming down off the klebsiella MANIA was having meltdowns all afternoon. We took a walk (what was I thinking) and his bike kept breaking, I kept putting the chain back on and finally it completely jammed up. Then DS2 (a mile away from the house) decided that he did not want to walk anymore. Luckily I thought ahead to take the wagon which is where I put the bike, but then I had to balance my 2yo in the wagon and hope that the bike didn't slide onto him! The whole while DS6 is having massive meltdowns. I just wanted to cry!! I finally just left the wagon and the bike, picked up my 2yo and told ds6 "let's go" and we walked home and went back for the bike. UGGHHH!!!

 

Back to my main vent!! I went off lexapro a few weeks ago and now I am having some kind of PTSD or mid-life crisis! I am not depressed or anxious, in fact I think I feel better off the med - more alive, but it's like I woke up from a dream into reality and I am looking around at what has become of my life and I'm not happy and I am making rapid and drastic changes. Within 3 days I told dh to go get a vasectomy, I told him I was putting the kids in daycare and aftercare and I am getting back on a career path of some sort (this is after being home for 6.5 years and not planning to go back to work anytime soon). I also took the kids off their gluten free diet, cut their supplements in half (that part didn't last long, they went downhill) and just plain don't want to deal with all this anymore! I feel like I am becoming someone I don't recognize, but I think it's just that I have had my wings clipped for so long by lexapro and my kids that I am like a caged bird wanting to get out!!!!

 

At the same time, I look at my 2yo who was the most severely affected by pandas/autism and I see how far he has come (darn close to perfect except for a speech delay and some infections I have to manage) and I think, how can I put this kid in daycare, he is just a joy to be around and he deserves to be with his mommy! But at the same time I think that I just can't give him what he needs b/c I am just over the stay-at-home-and-take-care-of-ocd/tourettes/raging-children-mommy thing! Talk about some guilt and heartbreak!!

 

Done!

Edited December 2, 2010 by Stephanie2

[trademein]

Wow, you need a hug,pat on the back and yes a glass of wine I am on Welbutrin and Xanax. That works for me. I can stay focused and have a ton of energy! My DD9 has been doing well untill tonight. Her cheeks bright red and all her symptoms in full force. I can't figure out what set her off. UGH..All can do is laugh at the mess and hug the kids.

Kari

[Fixit]

After 2 days of rages and meltdowns (from both kids, but mostly ds6), my brain is fried and I am in need of some wine but I don't know how to open a darn wine bottle!! LOL! I am serious. And strangely enough, the one bottle of wine we have has no label on it (????) so if I were to drink it I would have not a clue what it is.

 

I finally got the kids under control but now I am just collapsing on the couch and this is what I see as I look around my house: refridgerator and freezer are wide open with contents on the kitchen floor, there is a fort in the living room with hot dogs and ketchup inside smeared around, the groceries I brought home are out of their bags and all over the floor, there is pee in the little potty I keep in the kitchen (could be worse there!), there are shoes and clothes all over the house - on the backs of chairs, the floor, every surface pretty much, there are open bags and boxes of snacks in every room, none of this week's homework is done but is spread all over the table, there are bins of supplements stacked in the kitchen waiting to be taken by the kids, ds2 is running around the house with just a t-shirt on (not potty trained) and in desperate need of a bath, plus he is limping b/c he has a leg cramp, ds6 is walking in circles in the living room eating gluten free crackers, there are containers of water and syringes and puddles of water on the kitchen floor, did I mention the playroom? I won't even go there.

 

As I am typing this, DH just walked in and looked around and I just started cracking up!! Am I losing it??

 

But here's the real vent. Luckily I have a good doctor for the kids who told me about the klebsiella about an hour before the classic klebsiella rages began, so we already had the antibiotics on the way. OK, crisis only lasted a few hours, dodged a bullet. But what the heck, he also showed strep in his stool analysis. Yesterday, I tried to reduce the kids' olive leaf once again (4th or 5th time trying this) and they both had pandas today! DS2 wanted to be held and was obsessive over everything this morning. DS6, on top of coming down off the klebsiella MANIA was having meltdowns all afternoon. We took a walk (what was I thinking) and his bike kept breaking, I kept putting the chain back on and finally it completely jammed up. Then DS2 (a mile away from the house) decided that he did not want to walk anymore. Luckily I thought ahead to take the wagon which is where I put the bike, but then I had to balance my 2yo in the wagon and hope that the bike didn't slide onto him! The whole while DS6 is having massive meltdowns. I just wanted to cry!! I finally just left the wagon and the bike, picked up my 2yo and told ds6 "let's go" and we walked home and went back for the bike. UGGHHH!!!

 

Back to my main vent!! I went off lexapro a few weeks ago and now I am having some kind of PTSD or mid-life crisis! I am not depressed or anxious, in fact I think I feel better off the med - more alive, but it's like I woke up from a dream into reality and I am looking around at what has become of my life and I'm not happy and I am making rapid and drastic changes. Within 3 days I told dh to go get a vasectomy, I told him I was putting the kids in daycare and aftercare and I am getting back on a career path of some sort (this is after being home for 6.5 years and not planning to go back to work anytime soon). I also took the kids off their gluten free diet, cut their supplements in half (that part didn't last long, they went downhill) and just plain don't want to deal with all this anymore! I feel like I am becoming someone I don't recognize, but I think it's just that I have had my wings clipped for so long by lexapro and my kids that I am like a caged bird wanting to get out!!!!

 

At the same time, I look at my 2yo who was the most severely affected by pandas/autism and I see how far he has come (darn close to perfect except for a speech delay and some infections I have to manage) and I think, how can I dump this kid in daycare, he is just a joy to be around and he deserves to be with his mommy! But at the same time I think that I just can't give him what he needs b/c I am just over the stay-at-home-and-take-care-of-ocd/tourettes/raging-children-mommy thing! Talk about some guilt and heartbreak!!

 

Done!

 

Steph...this sounds like something we talked about a little while ago...but i was on that side...

i need to go through in box..been soooo busy...

call me...

If cant...in short term....i think this is normal for us pit/pan parents at some point...or at many points.....

Sorry the kids are dealing with kleb now....let the merry go round continue....NOT

[PhillyPA]

I love this post! It is so good to know that there are others out there like me!

 

Shout does a pretty good job with the mustard on clothes maybe it would work on other things. I get a spray on carpet cleaner for other stains. Works very well. The only thing it doesn't get up is silly putty. And if your carpet is dark, just step on the stains and rub them in with your foot. They will blend...

 

I've had those days Stephanie. Hang in there.

[Tamistwins]

Hi Stephanie,

I feel for you and I completely understand. I agm so tired of picking up after the kids just to turn around and see a hurricane 2 seconds later. Struggling to get homework completed and meltdownsns, it its tough.

 

Heres to a needed glass of wine cheers!

[mom love]

Oh Stephanie, I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. You are one of the strongest PANDAS moms I have encountered on this forum. You have helped so many people on here, including me. Hang in there. It was good to read your post actually so I know I'm not alone in my personal meltdowns and PTSD. I don't know how to use those crazy bottle opener contraptions either. My husband had to buy me the old fashioned one that just screws in and pulls out. I don't even know what this kleb thing is that you are dealing with now, and I don't even want to look up what it is, but I'm really sorry you have another thing to deal with. Hang in there and know that you are an appreciated member of this forum for me.

 

Mom Love

[Stephanie2]

Oh Stephanie, I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. You are one of the strongest PANDAS moms I have encountered on this forum. You have helped so many people on here, including me. Hang in there. It was good to read your post actually so I know I'm not alone in my personal meltdowns and PTSD. I don't know how to use those crazy bottle opener contraptions either. My husband had to buy me the old fashioned one that just screws in and pulls out. I don't even know what this kleb thing is that you are dealing with now, and I don't even want to look up what it is, but I'm really sorry you have another thing to deal with. Hang in there and know that you are an appreciated member of this forum for me.

 

Mom Love

 

Thanks Mom Love! Thanks for admitting that you don't know how to open a bottle of wine!! LOL! Why did I feel stupid admitting that? Maybe I should try the old-fashioned one. I seem to make a mess of the cork every time, then I am drinking cork pieces!! Thanks for the nice comments. I am finding myself in a position of support through this forum and through pandas resource network, and on days like this I wonder - who is supporting who here!!?

[butterflymom]

=

Edited February 2, 2016 by tampicc

[purple66p]

Big House Red. Has a screw cap & is very good. Or you could go the box route--spigot. Can't see how much you've drunk already, though.

[Stephanie2]

Big House Red. Has a screw cap & is very good. Or you could go the box route--spigot. Can't see how much you've drunk already, though.

 

You're the best!! Screw cap, I love it!!!! That's exactly what I was thinking when I was looking at the wine bottle while the crap was hitting the fan around me. Don't these people know we have better things to do than to fight with a cork?? Such as...drink wine!

 

Throw out sophistication, bring on the screw cap and the boxed wine!!! Happy hour, anyone??

 

Glad my church friends don't read this forum!! LOL! Not that my church minds a glass of wine (or two), they actually told us that when we joined!! LOL! Permission to drink? I knew I loved this church for some reason...

[Stephanie2]

By the way, thanks for the house cleaning tips. The housekeepers are coming this morning. I got nothin left!

[SarahJane]

HUGS & BIG PATS on the back to you with a comforting "there, there." It's so hard to keep it together. We all know that. And I only have one kid...I can't imagine dealing with this with multiple children. Seriously...y'all are saints (even when you think you aren't acting like it). You ARE doing important work with your kids and on this forum and in other places. I HATE it that you had such a crappy day.

 

I know a gripe I have, which is probably shared, is that I AM a good mom, but I rarely get to feel like it anymore. I used to do all kinds of fun things with my ds. Now, I hardly do anything (can't even plan anything anymore), & when I do, he truly doesn't appreciate it. Not that he's supposed to appreciate everything since he's only 6, but getting no glimmer of recognition is brutal. It's mostly the fact that with age regression, we're dealing with a toddler right now in so many ways...and he wasn't really all that toddler-like when it would have been appropriate. And I went out last night with my book club to a restaurant to "celebrate" the holidays. Of course, I hadn't read the book. As I sat there, I realized that I have nothing in common with these people anymore. Nada. A few of them have kids about the same age as my son, & their conversations about them seems so foreign. They were talking about things they're doing with their kids for the holidays...we are very seriously probably not even putting up a tree this year. All our traditions are shot...we probably could do some of them, but we don't feel like it. This is the worst Christmas ever, and I even had a miscarriage ON Christmas Day 4 years ago. But just a few months ago (& definitely last Dec), I could have chimed in with the group & been witty & laughed. Last night, I mostly ate my burger since I hadn't eaten all day, drank my glass of wine, & tried not to be too freaked out that I was out in public. (Does anybody else feel like they have a big neon sign over their head that flashes "my life is a mess"?) I did enjoy the chocolate fondue dessert we all shared tho'. One of them was talking about how her kid came home sick from school that day...I had an internal FREAK OUT. Another person was coughing...another internal FREAK OUT. Someone said that I was awfully quiet & I just said I had A LOT going on so it was better if I just didn't talk...she asked if I was ok, & I said yes, that it was my son. The table got quiet for like a full minute...I said "see what happens when I open my mouth...that's why I'm not talking." And when I did talk for about it for like 5 minutes before I left, it's so hard to explain the depth & breadth of the situation. I went thru what PANDAS is since this lady didn't know (like RF but strep attacks the brain) & gave some symptoms my son has & stuff. It doesn't even begin to explain it tho'. And I know people feel bad that we're going thru all this, but it really doesn't help make it any better. I'd probably actually quit the book club if I wasn't the person that gets the key from the bank for the community room because I set up an account so we could meet there. It's not because I don't like book club, but it's exhausting to pretend to be normal that long right now. I've missed many meetings this year anyway...just get the key & give it to someone. That's probably what I'll do in Jan. And even tho' our son's recent IVIG is having positive results, there are still some negatives. And let's face it...even if miraculously things were suddenly all better, I'd still need a year or more to recover from this roller coaster ride.

 

WHEW! So I hijacked my supportive post dedicated to you in order to do my own rant. Maybe it helped you realize that every single one of us very likely have at least one major freak out everyday. You are loved by so many people here that don't even completely know you...but if we did know you completely, we'd just love you even more! HUGS!!!

[Stephanie2]

HUGS & BIG PATS on the back to you with a comforting "there, there." It's so hard to keep it together. We all know that. And I only have one kid...I can't imagine dealing with this with multiple children. Seriously...y'all are saints (even when you think you aren't acting like it). You ARE doing important work with your kids and on this forum and in other places. I HATE it that you had such a crappy day.

 

I know a gripe I have, which is probably shared, is that I AM a good mom, but I rarely get to feel like it anymore. I used to do all kinds of fun things with my ds. Now, I hardly do anything (can't even plan anything anymore), & when I do, he truly doesn't appreciate it. Not that he's supposed to appreciate everything since he's only 6, but getting no glimmer of recognition is brutal. It's mostly the fact that with age regression, we're dealing with a toddler right now in so many ways...and he wasn't really all that toddler-like when it would have been appropriate. And I went out last night with my book club to a restaurant to "celebrate" the holidays. Of course, I hadn't read the book. As I sat there, I realized that I have nothing in common with these people anymore. Nada. A few of them have kids about the same age as my son, & their conversations about them seems so foreign. They were talking about things they're doing with their kids for the holidays...we are very seriously probably not even putting up a tree this year. All our traditions are shot...we probably could do some of them, but we don't feel like it. This is the worst Christmas ever, and I even had a miscarriage ON Christmas Day 4 years ago. But just a few months ago (& definitely last Dec), I could have chimed in with the group & been witty & laughed. Last night, I mostly ate my burger since I hadn't eaten all day, drank my glass of wine, & tried not to be too freaked out that I was out in public. (Does anybody else feel like they have a big neon sign over their head that flashes "my life is a mess"?) I did enjoy the chocolate fondue dessert we all shared tho'. One of them was talking about how her kid came home sick from school that day...I had an internal FREAK OUT. Another person was coughing...another internal FREAK OUT. Someone said that I was awfully quiet & I just said I had A LOT going on so it was better if I just didn't talk...she asked if I was ok, & I said yes, that it was my son. The table got quiet for like a full minute...I said "see what happens when I open my mouth...that's why I'm not talking." And when I did talk for about it for like 5 minutes before I left, it's so hard to explain the depth & breadth of the situation. I went thru what PANDAS is since this lady didn't know (like RF but strep attacks the brain) & gave some symptoms my son has & stuff. It doesn't even begin to explain it tho'. And I know people feel bad that we're going thru all this, but it really doesn't help make it any better. I'd probably actually quit the book club if I wasn't the person that gets the key from the bank for the community room because I set up an account so we could meet there. It's not because I don't like book club, but it's exhausting to pretend to be normal that long right now. I've missed many meetings this year anyway...just get the key & give it to someone. That's probably what I'll do in Jan. And even tho' our son's recent IVIG is having positive results, there are still some negatives. And let's face it...even if miraculously things were suddenly all better, I'd still need a year or more to recover from this roller coaster ride.

 

WHEW! So I hijacked my supportive post dedicated to you in order to do my own rant. Maybe it helped you realize that every single one of us very likely have at least one major freak out everyday. You are loved by so many people here that don't even completely know you...but if we did know you completely, we'd just love you even more! HUGS!!!

 

Wow, Sarah, do you feel better? I know I do...some of your "gripe" had me cracking up...not at you but with you!! Now I feel responsible for your book club not having a meeting room, did I push you to that decision?? LOL!

 

Girl, I have felt every one of those social abnormalities, still do but I have come to accept it I guess. I quit all extra-curricular activities: moms' church group, junior league, going out with friends, going to the gym, going out with my husband, shoot I had to quit church all together for a good 1.5 years b/c of the separation anxiety and my anxiety over the kids getting strep unnecessarily! I think the toughest part about this is the isolation and I think that is what you are feeling.

 

There will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you. And by the way, sometimes like you I feel like I will never recover from this, but I am always surprised at how quickly I feel "on top of the world" when both of my children are well. Then something happens and I am on the floor again. But even with that rollercoaster of emotions, over time you learn to trust in the fact that "this too shall pass", and your emotions don't go up and down with the kids. At least that's what I'm told!!

 

So, Sarah, you've seen me all smiles with my little family on facebook, now you got the real deal!! LOL!

[bronxmom2]

I believe that many of us moms also have PANDAS.

[tantrums]

Don't feel bad about not knowing how to open the wine! I seriously just started drinking 6 months ago. Just never liked the taste much. HOwever, after a rage attack about 6 months ago, my neighbor gave me a bottle of wine (she opened it LOL) and it's been downhill since Suddenly, wine tastes GREAT!!!!! I frequently mess up opening them bc I got one of those air pump openers. Don't work if the cork isn't natural and how the heck am I supposed to know when they have wax on top???

 

I have been known to stand in the middle of the house and announce "I have a garbage bag and I'm using it in 10 minutes!!!" Suddenly I get help cleaning stuff up I feel like ALL I do when I'm home is follow people around picking up their crap! If I ask DS to do it - I have to ask three times and then he gets irritated bc he was GOING TO. Keep in mind, I just had a spinal fusion less than a year ago and the bending isn't a great activity for me.

 

My favorite saying right now is "I have a screw loose!" because literally I do. A screw is broken in my spine and I don't have the time to deal with it! People are amazed that I can joke about it, but what else CAN I do at this point??? I'm looking forward to having brain surgery next year so I get some time off!

 

I try my best to maintain calm with DS. I've found that helps him stay calmer of course. But I have been known to turn into a huffing, garbage bag weilding beast just cause I stepped on one too many legos! He has a puzzle taking up my entire kitchen table that he has been working on for weeks now and I "accidentally" spilled water all over it. It's still there. Throwing it out wasn't an option. It cannot leave until it's finished but he is so busy running from one activity to the next that he can't focus on the puzzle and get it out of my sight! It's a 2500 piece puzzle! I don't want to look at it anymore. I want it off my table!!!