unsupportive family members-VENT! Suggestions please

[bgbarnes]

I really need help with this one...I found out that my SIL thinks due to her years as a teacher( this is not a dig at any teacher out there but she is not a medical doctor!) that she has seen many parents make things up as an excuse for a child's behavior and she told my parents that I need to stop looking for a reason and just deal with his behaviors..... INSERT REALLY LOUD SCREAM HERE!!!!!! Oh and she has been saying things to other family members too.

First I can say I am not really fond of her for a number of reasons but that is not the issue here. I have had to bite my toungue for years when she makes little digs at me every time we get together for my parents sanity.

My SIL presents herself as a saint. She walks for cancer, and any other cause someone asks her too, reads caring bridges for people she does not even know and asks for peoples prayers, she has invited kids to live in her home and provided them clothes and shelter when their parents were not able -but when it comes to her own family- I must be making this up. It is infuriating. Oh she also waited so long on her son's severe stomach pain and fever that his appendix ruptured after 2 days at home trying to manage it instead of taking him to the Dr (and the $20 co-pay should not have been an issue)...But she is a saint and a good mom and I make stuff up to make excuses for my son's behavior. Considering she was crying poverty to relatives when my brother was making a very nice salary that had him in the top 5% of the country- let's see who makes crap up...... IF she only knew how much work we have done on my son's behavior she has no right to even say that- I have been working on it for 5 YEARS!

 

I am one of the lucky ones on this board- A Doctor brought it up to me- not me bringing it up to them. More than one Doctor agrees it is PANDAS- so why is she being such a B*TCH?????? I asked my brother if they needed to see the research papers, emails with Doctors and the Cunningham test and abstract to understand what we are going through. Have they seen my son when he starts touching everything equally on both sides? ( At least I understand why he has never been able to keep his hands to himself even when asked) Have they seen one of his rages? Have they seem him hysterical when he repeats things over and over? Have they heard my 8 year old refer to his need to touch things in patterns as his addiction- HOW sick does she think I am to make this crap up- who in the world would do that?

 

SO I have finally drawn my line in the sand- my birthday is on Father's Day- I have enough stress in my life that I don't want to see or deal with her- especially on my birthday. So I told my parents that we will see them on Saturday for Father's Day and we will not see them with my brother and his family on Father's Day. I am not going to spend time with her. I can't guarantee I would keep my mouth shut and my Dad actually said he can't guarantee if she says anything that he could either- I pretty much hope she says something so my Dad can blast her.

I am tired of squashing myself to keep the peace. I only choose to have loving supportive people near me. I would not have her as a friend so why would I spend time with her at a time like this. In many ways the decision is so freeing- I always got a knot in my stomach knowing we were going to spend time with her- what would be coming next.

So any additional advice on how to handle this would be appreciated- for now I am avoiding a direct conflict but if it comes down to it- how should I handle???

Brandy

[Phasmid]

The only suggestion I can offer is to ask her and your brother to watch your son for a weekend while you go to a spa someplace!

[Stephanie2]

Well, I have been there. The only way I know how to deal with it is to keep these type of ppl at a distance for my own sanity. Also, it will all come out in the wash in the end. It will be evident one day that you know what you are doing. Just have to come ot some kind of acceptance on this. My own mom has this attitude toward me. We just don't discuss it very often.

Stephanie

I really need help with this one...I found out that my SIL thinks due to her years as a teacher( this is not a dig at any teacher out there but she is not a medical doctor!) that she has seen many parents make things up as an excuse for a child's behavior and she told my parents that I need to stop looking for a reason and just deal with his behaviors..... INSERT REALLY LOUD SCREAM HERE!!!!!! Oh and she has been saying things to other family members too.

First I can say I am not really fond of her for a number of reasons but that is not the issue here. I have had to bite my toungue for years when she makes little digs at me every time we get together for my parents sanity.

My SIL presents herself as a saint. She walks for cancer, and any other cause someone asks her too, reads caring bridges for people she does not even know and asks for peoples prayers, she has invited kids to live in her home and provided them clothes and shelter when their parents were not able -but when it comes to her own family- I must be making this up. It is infuriating. Oh she also waited so long on her son's severe stomach pain and fever that his appendix ruptured after 2 days at home trying to manage it instead of taking him to the Dr (and the $20 co-pay should not have been an issue)...But she is a saint and a good mom and I make stuff up to make excuses for my son's behavior. Considering she was crying poverty to relatives when my brother was making a very nice salary that had him in the top 5% of the country- let's see who makes crap up...... IF she only knew how much work we have done on my son's behavior she has no right to even say that- I have been working on it for 5 YEARS!

 

I am one of the lucky ones on this board- A Doctor brought it up to me- not me bringing it up to them. More than one Doctor agrees it is PANDAS- so why is she being such a B*TCH?????? I asked my brother if they needed to see the research papers, emails with Doctors and the Cunningham test and abstract to understand what we are going through. Have they seen my son when he starts touching everything equally on both sides? ( At least I understand why he has never been able to keep his hands to himself even when asked) Have they seen one of his rages? Have they seem him hysterical when he repeats things over and over? Have they heard my 8 year old refer to his need to touch things in patterns as his addiction- HOW sick does she think I am to make this crap up- who in the world would do that?

 

SO I have finally drawn my line in the sand- my birthday is on Father's Day- I have enough stress in my life that I don't want to see or deal with her- especially on my birthday. So I told my parents that we will see them on Saturday for Father's Day and we will not see them with my brother and his family on Father's Day. I am not going to spend time with her. I can't guarantee I would keep my mouth shut and my Dad actually said he can't guarantee if she says anything that he could either- I pretty much hope she says something so my Dad can blast her.

I am tired of squashing myself to keep the peace. I only choose to have loving supportive people near me. I would not have her as a friend so why would I spend time with her at a time like this. In many ways the decision is so freeing- I always got a knot in my stomach knowing we were going to spend time with her- what would be coming next.

So any additional advice on how to handle this would be appreciated- for now I am avoiding a direct conflict but if it comes down to it- how should I handle???

Brandy

[amy s]

I don't have any advice. I'm sorry you are going through this. I ended up dropping people out of our lives because of comments they said, etc. There are still people I am not speaking to. I didn't speak to my own mother for months on end. I do NOT suggest that you do what I have done by holding a grudge about it. People say stupid stuff sometimes when it is something they are not familiar with or do not know about. It is hard to forgive and forget...I wish I would have been able to do that back when my dd was suffering so bad.

I wish you the best.

[Fixit]

i also have chosen to avoid some people.....some will reach back out and you just don't talk about it....

i would seriously suggest no matter what reason...to print every research paper...keep the links to any pod casts, videos....

and if you really get into it, you put the folder in their lap....maybe have it ready, so if some words come up...you can say..."i was expecting this"...don't get into it...just read and lets have a nice visit....

we are fortunate to have a very tight family on both sides and i don't want to loose that for my children...but their health comes first, and family good times seconds....but even with that...they leave me alone..as they know i will not budge...and they are preprogramed to follow doctors orders

i'm kinda goin round in circles on this post ,,,,,sorry ...but you might , after this coming weekend...start spamming your family with different research papers and such .....i have done this.....they still dont completely get it....but they don't question, so much, why i don't just go to a neuro and do what i'm told.....

[Phasmid]

I forgot to mention that I haven't spoken much to my MIL for about four years because of the same situation. Nothing much I could do about it then, except stay away from her. It did end up coming to a clash, and I said things I wish I hadn't. I have attempted to extend my apologies. She has declined to forgive. Nothing else I can do. It is a very sad situation that we find ourselves in, but all that matters is that you are taking care of your child and doing your best with the assistance that you have. Hang in there.

[CandKRich]

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Edited August 12, 2013 by CandKRich

[tired mom]

Hi Brandy,

Here is a way of looking at you situation from a whole different perspective. Go see your dad on father's day. This is your dad not her's. You are blessed to have your dad. I would give anything to have one more Father's Day with mine. Think of yourself as the stronger person and if she makes you feel uncomfortable and you feel the need to blow just politely kiss your dad, tell him it is time for your family to leave and quietly exit. Now you are the bigger person and SIL looks like an idiot. Hmmm true colors!!!!!!!

[peglem]

Too bad we can't fire relatives the way we do disbelieving doctors!

[parents4eyes]

xx

Edited July 17, 2010 by parents4eyes

[forjpj]

Pandas has a way of drawing lines in the sand doesn't it? I think what you are doing sounds great! You are still going to see your dad, and if she brings it up on Father's Day let your dad defend his child like you are defending yours!! Let someone take care of you!! You have bigger battles to fight, and hopefully, she'll figure it out in the end!! Of course, this is all easier said than done, but maybe if we all keep reminding ourselves it will work! And Happy Early Birthday!!

Sarah

[bgbarnes]

Thanks everyone! I know you would know how I feel. I am lucky my parents live a mile away and are 100% supportive and are ingrained into our daily lives. I probably talk to them both 3-5 times a day and rarely go more than a couple of days without seeing them. When the Doctor first told me look into PANDAS syndrome I was emailing them on my phone before I left the Doctors office and they started doing the research before I got home. I am really blessed!

My parents see my family a lot more than my brothers- they live about 45 minutes away- so I would not want to be a part of my SIL trying to use me as an excuse to not see them. My parents basically get to see my niece 16 and nephew 13 on Holidays and special occasions. My parents attend a couple of Games and dance recitals a year (when they are told about them) but that is it. They are an integral part of my kids life and since I am divorced from my kids Dad my kids will be with him anyways on Father's Day- so this stressed out PANDAS MOM is going to have a fun birthday next weekend with my husband and relax! Maybe go see a chick flick, mani pedi- do something form me for a change! My Dad gets to see the other grandkids and avoid a conflict. They are pretty sick of my SIL too....so it will be interesting to hear if anything comes up!

 

Ironically- the last time we were together and ds came up she immediately started to talk about her nephew3 who really has problems( because mine doesn't)- he refuses to eat- so much so that if he loses more weight he will have to get a feeding tube- so her sister finally decided to do something about it (can I point out that none of us would wait that long to get help but that is another story) and they were going to do an endoscopy the next day- the results are that he has a little acid reflux but that is it- nothing to justify the lack of interest in food...I guess she would not really like the suggestion of him getting a strep test....however my parents do know that PANDAS can cause anorexia issues and are armed to provide info if it comes up next week!

 

Thanks again!! I love this forum!

 

Brandy

[saidie10]

I really need help with this one...I found out that my SIL thinks due to her years as a teacher( this is not a dig at any teacher out there but she is not a medical doctor!) that she has seen many parents make things up as an excuse for a child's behavior and she told my parents that I need to stop looking for a reason and just deal with his behaviors..... INSERT REALLY LOUD SCREAM HERE!!!!!! Oh and she has been saying things to other family members too.

First I can say I am not really fond of her for a number of reasons but that is not the issue here. I have had to bite my toungue for years when she makes little digs at me every time we get together for my parents sanity.

My SIL presents herself as a saint. She walks for cancer, and any other cause someone asks her too, reads caring bridges for people she does not even know and asks for peoples prayers, she has invited kids to live in her home and provided them clothes and shelter when their parents were not able -but when it comes to her own family- I must be making this up. It is infuriating. Oh she also waited so long on her son's severe stomach pain and fever that his appendix ruptured after 2 days at home trying to manage it instead of taking him to the Dr (and the $20 co-pay should not have been an issue)...But she is a saint and a good mom and I make stuff up to make excuses for my son's behavior. Considering she was crying poverty to relatives when my brother was making a very nice salary that had him in the top 5% of the country- let's see who makes crap up...... IF she only knew how much work we have done on my son's behavior she has no right to even say that- I have been working on it for 5 YEARS!

 

I am one of the lucky ones on this board- A Doctor brought it up to me- not me bringing it up to them. More than one Doctor agrees it is PANDAS- so why is she being such a B*TCH?????? I asked my brother if they needed to see the research papers, emails with Doctors and the Cunningham test and abstract to understand what we are going through. Have they seen my son when he starts touching everything equally on both sides? ( At least I understand why he has never been able to keep his hands to himself even when asked) Have they seen one of his rages? Have they seem him hysterical when he repeats things over and over? Have they heard my 8 year old refer to his need to touch things in patterns as his addiction- HOW sick does she think I am to make this crap up- who in the world would do that?

 

SO I have finally drawn my line in the sand- my birthday is on Father's Day- I have enough stress in my life that I don't want to see or deal with her- especially on my birthday. So I told my parents that we will see them on Saturday for Father's Day and we will not see them with my brother and his family on Father's Day. I am not going to spend time with her. I can't guarantee I would keep my mouth shut and my Dad actually said he can't guarantee if she says anything that he could either- I pretty much hope she says something so my Dad can blast her.

I am tired of squashing myself to keep the peace. I only choose to have loving supportive people near me. I would not have her as a friend so why would I spend time with her at a time like this. In many ways the decision is so freeing- I always got a knot in my stomach knowing we were going to spend time with her- what would be coming next.

So any additional advice on how to handle this would be appreciated- for now I am avoiding a direct conflict but if it comes down to it- how should I handle???

Brandy

 

I agree with everything you are saying and doing! Stand up for yourself and your family. Some people are so completely self centered and ignorant! This IS the time in your life to be selfish for you and your families sake and your sanities sake! Keep us posted!

[airial95]

I dont know you or your family, but Your SIL sounds a lot like my sister and my husbands aunt. They're very generous and giving people, will do anything for anyone but they seem to do it more for the attention that they get as a result. If shes like them, Discussion about your son's condition takes attention away from her, and since she has nothing to add she has to dismiss it entirely so attention can turn back to something about her or that interests her.

 

There's not much you can do about it, but what you're already doing. I hold my tongue about A TON of things in front of my husbands aunt because I adore my MIL and she hates conflict. But his aunt is also a lifelong educator and has also made comments to my SIL about whether or not we're making this up. She hasn't said anything in front of me yet...maybe when we're upnthere on vacation this summer!

[peglem]

They're very generous and giving people, will do anything for anyone but they seem to do it more for the attention that they get as a result.

 

I think you're exactly right! Makes them kind of pitiful, doesn't it?