Food is tearing us apart

[Suzan]

I have to vent to try to stay sane tonight, thanks for listening....

 

We had a huge blowout at our house today. DD8 is having no appetite and it has manifested in her ordering me around about food. She whines and begs for food but won't agree to anything and finally just orders me to bring her something, anything! So I bring her something and she says she does not want it and whines and cries. I blow up and say "EAT IT ANYWAY and stay away from me". She comes back after forcing herself to eat it and says that "I made her feel small" by treating her like that. My Mom is upset because of how dd is treating me and taking advantage of me. I am totally confused about what is pandas and what is my own lack of parenting skills. They seeem to have lost all ability to say thank you or please or be helpful at all when it comes to food.

 

We don't have a good meal time routine from a lifetime of picky eaters, different food needs and pandas behavior symptoms and different coping skills.

 

She's decided she want to be a vegetarian so no more animals are killed and expects me to know all of a sudden how to feed her even when she has no idea what she wants to eat. She's always been my good eater and would eat anything I offer. This is very new and I believe it's pandas rearing it's ugly head. She has no taste for food but is hungry. Same deal with my younger dd who also goes out of her way to bring me her garbage to throw away instead of just putting it in the garbage or bring me her plate instead of just putting it in the sink. She's a hoarder and I think it's her way of trying to get rid of it without having to do it herself. I think I may lose my mind.

 

I'm a slave in the kitchen who can't please anyone. I told them today that many families cook one meal and you eat what is there or go hungry and they think that sounds like child abuse. They cried and cried and by the end I have no idea why they were crying. I got dd8 to make a list of all the foods she would eat so at least I can go grocery shopping and start teaching her how to cook for herself or at least know what is in the house so she can give me asuggestion on what to eat. I am making food constantly from the time we get home until they go to bed. I can't take it any more. Things have got to change and I'm scared I won't be successful.

 

Susan

[Fixit]

just wanted to make you feel better..

.i don't eat anymore... i am tired of thinking about what to buy .what to cook..will they eat enough...what is the snack...they wont eat this, that....

i wont let them have barely any processed foods.....

when i become a miillionaire...i will have a chef who will cook orgainic...

i'll still clean the toilets and what not....but for the last six months, one of the few things i say outloud is

i am tired of anything relating to food...as the problem is you need to eat all day...so it just goes from one meal to the next....

 

going to bed....having a glass of wine...not food

 

I have to vent to try to stay sane tonight, thanks for listening....

 

We had a huge blowout at our house today. DD8 is having no appetite and it has manifested in her ordering me around about food. She whines and begs for food but won't agree to anything and finally just orders me to bring her something, anything! So I bring her something and she says she does not want it and whines and cries. I blow up and say "EAT IT ANYWAY and stay away from me". She comes back after forcing herself to eat it and says that "I made her feel small" by treating her like that. My Mom is upset because of how dd is treating me and taking advantage of me. I am totally confused about what is pandas and what is my own lack of parenting skills. They seeem to have lost all ability to say thank you or please or be helpful at all when it comes to food.

 

We don't have a good meal time routine from a lifetime of picky eaters, different food needs and pandas behavior symptoms and different coping skills.

 

She's decided she want to be a vegetarian so no more animals are killed and expects me to know all of a sudden how to feed her even when she has no idea what she wants to eat. She's always been my good eater and would eat anything I offer. This is very new and I believe it's pandas rearing it's ugly head. She has no taste for food but is hungry. Same deal with my younger dd who also goes out of her way to bring me her garbage to throw away instead of just putting it in the garbage or bring me her plate instead of just putting it in the sink. She's a hoarder and I think it's her way of trying to get rid of it without having to do it herself. I think I may lose my mind.

 

I'm a slave in the kitchen who can't please anyone. I told them today that many families cook one meal and you eat what is there or go hungry and they think that sounds like child abuse. They cried and cried and by the end I have no idea why they were crying. I got dd8 to make a list of all the foods she would eat so at least I can go grocery shopping and start teaching her how to cook for herself or at least know what is in the house so she can give me asuggestion on what to eat. I am making food constantly from the time we get home until they go to bed. I can't take it any more. Things have got to change and I'm scared I won't be successful.

 

Susan

Edited May 28, 2010 by Fixit

[Suzan]

just wanted to make you feel better...i don't eat anymore...

 

LOL, that DOES make me feel better, maybe I should try that too!

[Phasmid]

This will make you feel better:

 

I had to have been the meanest mom around. That's how it was in our house- if you didn't like what was on the table, you didn't eat. Period. Now, if somebody eats, and then comes back into the kitchen within the hour, they get screamed at. It's ok to get drinks. But don't come looking for any more food or you're going to be sorry you did. When I do leave and go upstairs, the boys (11 year old and dad) will come hunting and gathering. Then I have to come back to peanut butter all over the counter, all over the jar, crumbs left out, dirty plates left on the counter, etc. Now, the kitchen and food habits are bad, but nothing like they used to be and NOTHING like the bathroom habits. I have a boy who cannot for the life of him lift up the seat. So, urine everywhere. I don't get it. He CANNOT do it. Ever. He will use my bathroom, though I have told him every day for five years that he cannot use my bathroom, and pee all over the seat. Of course, I find out too late. I ask him over and over WHY CANT YOU LIFT THE SEAT??? He tells me he can't remember. PANDAS???? Who knows. I think just lazyiness.

 

The food thing was WAY worse during illness. I would get ill just before picking up from school because I knew he would have to eat... NOW! It was yelling all the way home until I got food into him. And, just the right kind.

 

Hang in there!

[EAMom]

Susan...I hate the food thing too. PANDAS dd is soo picky (younger sister is somewhat better)....won't eat fish, doesn't eat eggs, won't eat veggies, would like to be a vegatarian. There are so few things that she likes (and she is definitely pickier than a few years ago). She doesn't seem to like anything "new" either. Or sometimes she'll like something the first time I serve it but not after that. It's very disheartening. And I do often feel like I'm making 2-3 dinners to accomodate everyone.

 

I do think this pickiness is related to PANDAS...a type of anorexia.

 

And this was a child who as a toddler, was NOT a picker eater, she ate a lot of different foods when she was younger.

[tantrums]

This will make you feel better:

 

I had to have been the meanest mom around. That's how it was in our house- if you didn't like what was on the table, you didn't eat. Period. Now, if somebody eats, and then comes back into the kitchen within the hour, they get screamed at. It's ok to get drinks. But don't come looking for any more food or you're going to be sorry you did. When I do leave and go upstairs, the boys (11 year old and dad) will come hunting and gathering. Then I have to come back to peanut butter all over the counter, all over the jar, crumbs left out, dirty plates left on the counter, etc. Now, the kitchen and food habits are bad, but nothing like they used to be and NOTHING like the bathroom habits. I have a boy who cannot for the life of him lift up the seat. So, urine everywhere. I don't get it. He CANNOT do it. Ever. He will use my bathroom, though I have told him every day for five years that he cannot use my bathroom, and pee all over the seat. Of course, I find out too late. I ask him over and over WHY CANT YOU LIFT THE SEAT??? He tells me he can't remember. PANDAS???? Who knows. I think just lazyiness.

 

The food thing was WAY worse during illness. I would get ill just before picking up from school because I knew he would have to eat... NOW! It was yelling all the way home until I got food into him. And, just the right kind.

 

Hang in there!

 

Mine lifts the seat and STILL pees everywhere My bathroom sometimes smells like a gas station bathroom

 

We have major food issues too. He just wants to graze all day long on the same basic things. Yet at dinner time, it NEVER matters - his tummy hurts. I actually put the plate in the fridge the other day and when he was hungry 20 minutes later, pulled it back out. To my amazement, he ate it! I'll have to do that more often. I know what my son doesn't actually like. I am very lucky in that respect, he truly dislikes very few foods. And to boot - he gravitates toward very healthy things. I try my hardest NOT to make an issue of the food. but now he is ALWAYS starving an hour after going to bed. Of course, delaying the actual sleeping part.

 

Hang in there!!!!

[dut]

We have the same situation in our house that varies depending on where both kids are with PANDAS symptoms. Our dd6 was the kind of child you smugly took to sophisticated restaurants and she would choose complex flavoured meals while kids around us would cry for fries.. no longer! The karma police really got me back for my smugness.

 

our dd is now super picky and does the exact same thing as yours.. bring me something, anything but then won't eat it. Our ds just doesn't seem to eat for days or weeks.. just picks and then will suddenly eat again but with a limited range of foods. Having said that he is increasing his range at the moment. I even did the list thing with my dd which sort of worked for a while...

 

I think this restrictive eating is very PANDAS. When dd is symptom free her range of foods will come back, although she is no longer as adventurous as she once was but maybe some of that is just age.. dunno.

 

Don't beat yourself up, I don't believe it's bad parenting, just another part of this illness...

[Megs_Mom]

The food thing is so hard. We pretty much gave up on meals. We just put out "small bites" all the time, especially trying to have protein around - we did nuts like cashews, then put peanut butter on apples, etc. Food was a full time job - so I feel your pain. The big policy that we had (and her "anorexic tendencies" were never life threatening in any way - that would be different) was that we did not discuss food. If she did not eat it, we just ignored it. If she asked for a snack, we simply said "check the fridge or the counter" and there were always "small bites" ready for her. We made up our own little baggies of chips, pretzels, etc as well that were in the cabinet. But we limited the amount that she would see, just a few bags in the cabinet that she used, with different options in them.

 

Our daughter was very overwhelmed by the sight of food in volume. I think that having a good bit on her plate would send her into a panic attack. Restaurants were almost impossible - I'd order for her & then get a seperate plate & cut a few bites onto it. But even the sight of my plate would make her feel ill. Snacking all day long kept her weight fairly steady, and some of the drama out of the house. If she was eating a "meal", we'd put tiny portions on her plate - not at her request, but just from the observation that volume really stressed her out.

 

Oh, she also did not eat while sitting at a table. She would usually stand, but was happier if allowed to eat on the "run" during that time. Also, we used a lot of Kashi Crunch. She liked the texture & got a lot of nutrients in a tiny amount of food. We would have this or a few bites of a breakfast bar by her bedside before she woke up.

 

Liquids were often easier for her to handle. We did NOT suggest this to her, but we did offer juice and drinks like gatorade so that she was getting some more calories. Normally we drink mostly water.

[Suzan]

just wanted to make you feel better..

.i don't eat anymore... i am tired of thinking about what to buy .what to cook..will they eat enough...what is the snack...they wont eat this, that....

i wont let them have barely any processed foods.....

when i become a miillionaire...i will have a chef who will cook orgainic...

i'll still clean the toilets and what not....but for the last six months, one of the few things i say outloud is

i am tired of anything relating to food...as the problem is you need to eat all day...so it just goes from one meal to the next....

 

going to bed....having a glass of wine...not food

 

Oh! I didn't see your whole post for some reason before I responded, only the first 2 sentences.... I was just saying to my mom last night that I needed a cook so I could stop thinking about food. Wine, not food, that's the ticket!

 

Susan

[Suzan]

Thanks everyone, I can't tell you how much it helps in a weird way to know that this is not unusual. I am crying here thinking of you all dealing with the same food issues. DD7 has always had food issues with PANDAS (food restriction, picky, grazes, likes it one time and decides she doesn't, things have to taste the same each time) and that was easier to deal with, she's not as emotionally engaging as dd8 and I could cater to her more easily when the other was eating and happy with whatever I gave hre. She actually used to tell everyone she loved my cooking. Some really good suggestions though that I will try to see if it helps.

 

Before I got up this morning I was thinking about my day and how it relates to food. I have to start even before they wake up with making their lunches for school and it just goes on from there. Only good thing about school lunches is I'm not around to hear about it if they don't like what's in there and my options are WAY down lately. No sandwiches or anything in a thermos and no cheese sticks any more and they are glute free.

 

Susan

Edited May 28, 2010 by Suzan

[Doug]

At the last pandas melt down my dd said that everything tasted like paint

she stopped eating she is 5.. that scared me so bad.. but she would drink stuff so that helped

It is the pandas,because they can't make up there mind on what they want.

we are 15 weeks post ivig and she eats fine now,still no hambuger but that don't bother me

she will eat most things and I do make special meals for her when I know she wont eat what we are having

but most of the time we all eat what I cook,but I also cook what she will eat.

and sometimes she would help me in the kitchen so she could see what I was doing

(like make the salad) and she could put into it what she liked..sometimes that would work sometimes it would not.

Hang in there

 

Tracie

[MomWithOCDSon]

Interesting. I know PANDAS comes with food issues for many kids, but we have only nominal signs of it with DS13, and those are mostly "decision-making" issues if I ask him what he would like, rather than just making it and putting it on the table.

 

I will say, though, he remains on a low dose of SSRI (Luvox), and I also know anecdotally that he went from being a petite string-bean kid at 7, when he first started taking SSRIs, to a much bigger kid (both height and weight . . . he really filled out -- not "fat" but no longer "lean," either) within about 18 months. The psych said there's no correlation between the SSRI and his weight, but I do not believe that.

 

Then, when we saw Dr. K. a few weeks ago, he commented on DS's weight and said it is typical of what he sees with kids taking SSRIs. Just another reason we will try to wean him off, I think, as soon as we have the PANDAS in decent control.

 

But it does make you wonder if a low-dose SSRI might not be a positive thing for kids exhibiting both anxiety and eating issues; maybe it would decrease the anxieties about what's okay to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, etc.? Not advocating . . . . just thinking out loud . . . .

[CSP]

I just had to reply, fixit, I am married to an ex-chef who spends like we are millionairs. If the recipe calls for some spice you can only get in China, by golly he needs to fine it.

 

Having a chef in the house only means the sandwiches won't be eaten unless they are toothpicked and cut in quarters, and the veggies are artfully cut into flowers.

 

CP

 

 

just wanted to make you feel better..

.i don't eat anymore... i am tired of thinking about what to buy .what to cook..will they eat enough...what is the snack...they wont eat this, that....

i wont let them have barely any processed foods.....

when i become a miillionaire...i will have a chef who will cook orgainic...

i'll still clean the toilets and what not....but for the last six months, one of the few things i say outloud is

i am tired of anything relating to food...as the problem is you need to eat all day...so it just goes from one meal to the next....

 

going to bed....having a glass of wine...not food

 

I have to vent to try to stay sane tonight, thanks for listening....

 

We had a huge blowout at our house today. DD8 is having no appetite and it has manifested in her ordering me around about food. She whines and begs for food but won't agree to anything and finally just orders me to bring her something, anything! So I bring her something and she says she does not want it and whines and cries. I blow up and say "EAT IT ANYWAY and stay away from me". She comes back after forcing herself to eat it and says that "I made her feel small" by treating her like that. My Mom is upset because of how dd is treating me and taking advantage of me. I am totally confused about what is pandas and what is my own lack of parenting skills. They seeem to have lost all ability to say thank you or please or be helpful at all when it comes to food.

 

We don't have a good meal time routine from a lifetime of picky eaters, different food needs and pandas behavior symptoms and different coping skills.

 

She's decided she want to be a vegetarian so no more animals are killed and expects me to know all of a sudden how to feed her even when she has no idea what she wants to eat. She's always been my good eater and would eat anything I offer. This is very new and I believe it's pandas rearing it's ugly head. She has no taste for food but is hungry. Same deal with my younger dd who also goes out of her way to bring me her garbage to throw away instead of just putting it in the garbage or bring me her plate instead of just putting it in the sink. She's a hoarder and I think it's her way of trying to get rid of it without having to do it herself. I think I may lose my mind.

 

I'm a slave in the kitchen who can't please anyone. I told them today that many families cook one meal and you eat what is there or go hungry and they think that sounds like child abuse. They cried and cried and by the end I have no idea why they were crying. I got dd8 to make a list of all the foods she would eat so at least I can go grocery shopping and start teaching her how to cook for herself or at least know what is in the house so she can give me asuggestion on what to eat. I am making food constantly from the time we get home until they go to bed. I can't take it any more. Things have got to change and I'm scared I won't be successful.

 

Susan

[wornoutmom]

This can get bad for us too when ds in at his worst. I think for us its a "just right" type of thing. He has to have the "just right" snack but he doesn't know what it is. And also the decision making. When he was doing really bad this winter there were times he would just scream and scream "there's nothing to EAT!!!!!!!!!". Now he can just get "nasty" about it in a PANDAS/teenager kind of way like "There's nothing to eat because you never go grocery shopping" or he'll yell "get me some food!" and when I ask him what he wants he just snidely says "I don't know - FOOD!!!". And so I bring him something (which inevitably is the wrong thing) and he yells "not this! this isn't food!!!". Sigh... So then I tell him to get it himself and he yells "I can't - there's nothing ot eat!!" and around we go again. Now while he is older than your kiddos, I can say that I do my best to figure out what he will eat that he can get for himself and keep it on hand. We stock up on tunafish, easy mac and popcorn and peanut butter, and sometimes that's what he lives on!!

[dcmom]

Suzan-

 

I totally relate.

 

 

My kids are in a good place right now- and there is no better barometer for how they are doing than how they are eating.

 

They both (ag 5 and 8) did not gain any weight in about a 9 month period- which for a growing child is akin to losing weight. They are both about 5th percentile for weight, and closer to 50 percent for height. It was a constant worry for us.

 

I have found that the rules I had previously, I threw out the window.

 

So- about 50% of nights (100% during crisis- now we are down to once a week) I would give them dinner (which was always the problematic meal) somewhere else: in front of the TV, in the playroom if they were in the middle of playing something fun, or outside. For them, with the distraction, they would (unconciously, I think) eat A LOT more. I wouldn't ask them what they want. I would take into consideration what they like and make up individual trays for them. (I have these school like lunch trays with about 6 divided sections) I would put "the family meal" on the tray, along with fruit, raw veggies, maybe a yogurt, etc. In this way, they didn't have to make any decisions- and there were different things to eat. These nights would take the stress out for me- and were easier for them.

 

I know about preparing for different preferences. I am a vegetarian (aspiring vegan), my dh is a devout carnivore, and my kids are picky. I would allow them to be vegetarians: but there are two requirements for that: they must eat A LOT of veggies, and they must eat several servings of beans daily. They will not. So- if you think your daughter is serious about trying vegetarianism- and you want to allow her to try it- I would inform her that means lots of veggies and beans at each meal. If she goes for that- and has an interest in vegetarianism- it would be great- but there is no option to be a vegetarian and not eat these nutritious foods.

 

There are some things you can make to accompany a roast or steak- that your daughter can eat as a meal. (ie: you make a roast chicken, in another pan alongside you fill with veggies, garlic and olive oil and roast those- toward the end you can throw in chick peas- your daughter can eat the veggies, chick peas, and whole wheat cous cous as her meal) If you double this, you have enough for everyone for two nights. If she is slightly obsessive, like my dd, I would challenge her to read up on vegetarian meals- and give you some recipes. In general, when my kids are involved in meal planning and prep- they eat a little bit better.

 

I don't work- and I still find keeping up with grocery shopping and cooking a huge battle. Our food budget is outrageos because we eat as organic as possible. It is hard to keep up cooking so that I always have a good vegetarian option- many nights I end up with some type of wrap. I can totally relate to being tired of it- because there is no break- the shopping and cooking never ends. I can feel it in your post- but, you will get your energy back to continue.