EXTREMELY disturbing, unwanted, intrusive thoughts

[Foxtastic]

When I was younger, I started to have really disturbing thoughts after I was molested. Fears of death, immoral religious thoughts, and hurting people and animals I loved plus myself, couldn't be around knives, all of that. I'm not sure when it stopped but somehow I went on through my life never really giving it much thought, it just seemed to disappear. This past summer, I've had an incredibly rough year, and when I moved back into my parents I started getting pretty depressed because honestly it is not a happy household. And then one night I went to go see my father's band, and I remember catching sight of his crotch and out of nowhere imagined him naked. This is VERY hard to say, it all is. After I'd thought that, my mind just took off. I looked at his fellow bandmates and thought of it, which progressed into wondering what it would be like to sleep with them or my father.. I was repulsed and disgusted and made myself sick and had to wait in the car for the next few hours because I was near fainting. My boyfriend was with me and although I told him what happened and he was very supportive anything he said just wouldn't help me. I'd smoked earlier and even though I am more or less of a daily smoker I just figured I'd gotten some bad bud and was freaking out. The next day I was still a little freaked and the thoughts kind of ran through my head still, but again, they just seemed to disappear within a few days and I went on with my life. Not for long. A few months later, around Christmas, I came home from work and had a mean thought about how wierd a coworker looked and out of nowhere imagined him naked, imagined what his privates looked like, how he had sex, doing things with him, and while I kept trying not to think about it I just thought about it more. All the while my boyfriend was sitting there and I felt so guilty and awful for thinking these unwanted (emphasis on UNWANTED) thoughts. After that I just spiraled downward... I started having thoughts about rape, incest, beastiality, naked children, or just plain wierd or gross things, like when I would see urine in the toilet I would get freaked out for no reason or I would imagine other people doing sexual things with feces- PLEASE don't judge me, I am completely aware that those thoughts are downright horrid. Believe me when I say NOTHING was the limit. When I heard words like 'hard' or 'come', well, let's just say I always imagined a different meaning for them then how they were being used. Sounds like moans from a video game or sighs from people around me actually made me think about those sounds being used in the bedroom even though that is just ridiculous. I imagined doing things to my pets, to my parents, or my boyfriend doing things with another man, or my parents or my grandparents having sex, or my uncle who had severely beaten me having sex with me and me enjoying it. Please keep in mind I am not this person, I would never act on these thoughts, they horrify and sicken me. I am a sweet, sensitive young girl and I have NO idea why my brain would do this to me. All these thoughts are just fleeting, haunting images, but they would reccur over and over again in my mind until I made myself sick. I even passed out in the bathroom once, and spent most of my holidays throwing up and crying. Now, I finally looked up why I would have these thoughts and learned about anxiety and OCD, and how the brain will create whatever scares you the most to distract you from your real problems, and that I would never act out on these thoughts, and it helped immensely. I'm feeling a little better (alot of progress since last week) yet they're still torturing me enough to hinder my life. I can't stand to look at private parts on my pets, I can't stand to be around children, I can't stand being around my parents, especially my dad, and I refuse to be intimate with my boyfriend now because all of this just triggers these debauched, nightmarish images. I've been having panic attacks when I go out, too. I'm so scared that with my history these thoughts will always be a recurring problem, that I will never be able to make love to my boyfriend comfortably again without thinking of something else that makes me feel horrible and guilty, that I won't be able to be around children or have children of my own because of the way I think, and that I won't be able to smoke anymore (never touched any other drugs, but cannabis has always been my number one stress relief... now I can't even smoke anymore without having an ultra panic attack). I can't even drink coffee because it makes me feel even more anxious. And not smoking or drinking coffee is the least of my fears. I am completely aware of the whole OCD thing and that again, I'm NEVER going to act on these thoughts, but that doesn't make them any less terrifying or downright humiliating. I just want somebody else to say they've had these thoughts and have recovered but I'm afraid that I never will even if other people succeeded. I've always been sensitive and dwelled on things, and since this started happening again, I feel like I've opened a door that I will never be able to close again.

[Chemar]

Hi there

so sorry to hear of your struggles.

 

I am not a doctor but I don't think what you are describing is just OCD...to me it sounds more like PTSD (Post Traumatic Shock Disorder) which is sadly quite prevalent in victims of childhood sexual abuse (as well as other traumas in childhood and as adults)

The best treatment there is talk therapy, with a qualified psychologist who has experience with PTSD and other sexual abuse issues.

May I suggest you check out http://www.psychcentral.com as there is a lot of helpful info there. If you click COMMUNITY there at the top right of the page, it will take you to their mental health support groups and there is a section specifically for abuse survivors as well as one for PTSD. There is also a section where you can post questions for the resident psychologist.

 

Hope that helps a bit and please do consider starting therapy as sometimes just being able to talk through these things with someone who is qualified to help can make a world of difference!

[MomWithOCDSon]

Foxtastic --

 

While I agree with Chemar that many of your symptoms seem to go beyond mere OCD, I did want you to know that 1) you're not alone, 2) you're not crazy, 3) no, you would never hurt anyone, I'm sure, and 4) you can get help so that these sorts of thoughts don't continue to haunt you to the degree they are now.

 

Please seek out a good therapist to whom you can share these things and get some help. There's no reason for you to suffer like this.

 

Hang in there, and take good care of yourself!

[jay55]

I know your post is "old" and I hope you have gotten some help with your issues with intrusive thoughts. I just wanted to briefly respond and say I completely Identify with your thoughts (right down to the "new" meanings of words you hear- so have I!) and I believe you are experiencing unfortunately something very typical for many ocd sufferers with this type of symptoms known as intrusive thoughts also called morbid obsessions. Bottom line they suck as you so vividly described- yes as you have guessed I have been diagnosed and treated for ocd- I have had many "garden variety" symptoms and struggle mostly with health obsessions-anxiety and religious scrupulosity (of the Christian persuasion). Its been over 50 years with this stuff and I have had varying degrees of recovery. Anyway a book you may want to check out is called "tormenting thoughts and secret rituals" or "The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts" and there are several others that you could check out online or at the library or bookstore. Of course the OCA foundation is a good place to visit online as well. I wish you the best, peace and God bless. You are not alone and you are not crazy! p.s. Obsessive compulsive anonymous is a 12 step group over 25 years old and with good success as well.

[PIK]

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. They're just thoughts. I suffered from bad thoughts as well, but I forgave myself. Thoughts aren't sins. Sometimes we can't control our minds, or at least I couldn't. As terrible as it may sound, so what if you had thoughts about bestiality or incest etc? People not only think about these things, but actually pass to the other level and do them? So what? I think the worst thing man invented is the idea of sin. Is there really such a thing as a sin anyway? And if so, who says?

[PIK]

PS - Anafranil helped me greatly.

[galwaygal]

I'm so glad I found this forum. Its been driving me crazy. I can't get these thoughts out of my head. My OCD started with just lint in someone's hair or a string on someone's clothing. But a few months ago. Or maybe only weeks I don't know. It feels like its been going on in my head non stop. But I keep having unwanted thoughts about my brother and I feel disgusting and gross and I try to make them go away I really do but they just won't. I'm scared to masturbate because I feel like he's gonna pop into my mind. And he has before and then I have to force myself to think about someone else. I don't know what to do. And its not like I can avoid my him because I only live with my brother. I know I would never act on these horrible thoughts, but I've been avoiding eye contact with him lately. Because it just sickens me so much. I was never sexually abuses as a kid so I don't know why this is happening. I mean I had a traumatic childhood due to other things but never before did I ever have a problem sexuallt as a kid other than I started masturbating young which I know might be kinda bad but then I stopped for a few years and only when I got into High School I started to again. But I'm 16. My first thought of why when I first started having these incestial thoughts was that maybe I'm just really hormonal cuz I'm a teenager but I don't know. Can someone please help me? :/

[Wombat140]

Just wanted to say welcome to the forum. Sorry you're having such a hard time, I know what a complete swine OCD can be. I hope you soon find some way of getting better.

First thing I would think of is cognitive behavior therapy. It has a much higher success rate for OCD than any other type of "talking therapy", or than medication alone for that matter. (Though some people need both together for a while - if so, SSRIs, which are more commonly used as antidepressants, are the most often successful.)

 

By the way, going by your username, do you live in Ireland? If so, you might have a look at www.cbtregisteruk.com - you can search on there for fully qualified CBT therapists in a particular area who have specific knowledge of treating OCD. That does make a difference - friends of mine on another forum have sometimes been referred to therapists who haven't had full training in CBT, only a quick course, or who know about CBT but are mainly used to treating depression. You have a much better chance with somebody who really knows all about OCD in particular.

 

Good luck!

Wombat140

[galwaygal]

Thank you. I had never really done much reading about unwanted thoughts and such. But I was researching how to get rid of them last night and I found something about having a rubber band on your wrist and any time a thought like that occurs to snap the rubber band on your wrist and say stop. So far it's really been helping me a lot. Maybe cuz in you mind its associating physical pain with the mental thought. But thanks again.

[imy3]

I'm years late to this post but I'm so glad I found it. I've been feeling this exact same way for the past 48 hours (although I've had this issue in the past) and I'm going out of my mind because of it, i feel absolutely disgusted with myself, genuinely feeling like an evil person for the thoughts even entering my brain. I can't cope and I feel very strongly suicidal (which is even more upsetting as my life has never been better than it is now). I don't know what to do, I can't live like this I just want it to stop so badly. Someone please tell me how to make it go away. 

[Wombat140]

Hi Imy3, welcome to the forum.  It's horrible, isn't it?  I've had episodes of thoughts like that (,mine are usually odd ones that wouldn't make sense to anyone else, but they upset me a lot). 

I wish I could tell you how to wave a magic wnad and make the thoughts just go away, but it doesn't work like that.  Trying to force them to go away in a hurry only makes it worse, because obviously to push something away you have to pay attention to it so if you try to attack a thought you just make it bigger; you just have to let them subside in their own time.  It's like trying to sweep ripples off a pond with a broom.  The more you swweep the more stirred up it gets, but if you wait a while it'll subside by itself.  Take courage, it doesn't necessarliy take that long, if you can manage to be patient and not fight with them too much. 

Try and think about good things.  I don't mean make yourself only think of good things instead of these thoughts, asI just mentioned that's not possible, I just mean try and think of good things as well.  That way you can crowd them out.  Or at least keep oyur spiritis up until they do subside, which also means you won't be panicking and attacking the thoughts.  Reading something uplifitng, or very silly, may help.    It's rather like having a illness of some kind - it's misreable but you just need to make a fuss of yourself and try and keep your spirits up and wait for the sneezing to stop.  (I just thought of that.)  Also, music helps a lot.  I think it's lie the draught up a chimney - it keeps your thoughrs going along instead of stopping and swirling around in cicles.

NO, you're not an evil person, far from it - everyone makes that mistake, naturally enough.  It's often said, the fact that you were alarmed by the thoughts, whatever they are, to start with, proves that you don't like the idea.  (no, that doesnt mean you need to carry on being alarmen by them to be in the right - they were a false alarm, so to spea, and you know that now.)  The fact that a really nasty idea occurred to you doesn't mean you're bad, it just means you're imaginative.