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Foxtastic

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  1. When I was younger, I started to have really disturbing thoughts after I was molested. Fears of death, immoral religious thoughts, and hurting people and animals I loved plus myself, couldn't be around knives, all of that. I'm not sure when it stopped but somehow I went on through my life never really giving it much thought, it just seemed to disappear. This past summer, I've had an incredibly rough year, and when I moved back into my parents I started getting pretty depressed because honestly it is not a happy household. And then one night I went to go see my father's band, and I remember catching sight of his crotch and out of nowhere imagined him naked. This is VERY hard to say, it all is. After I'd thought that, my mind just took off. I looked at his fellow bandmates and thought of it, which progressed into wondering what it would be like to sleep with them or my father.. I was repulsed and disgusted and made myself sick and had to wait in the car for the next few hours because I was near fainting. My boyfriend was with me and although I told him what happened and he was very supportive anything he said just wouldn't help me. I'd smoked earlier and even though I am more or less of a daily smoker I just figured I'd gotten some bad bud and was freaking out. The next day I was still a little freaked and the thoughts kind of ran through my head still, but again, they just seemed to disappear within a few days and I went on with my life. Not for long. A few months later, around Christmas, I came home from work and had a mean thought about how wierd a coworker looked and out of nowhere imagined him naked, imagined what his privates looked like, how he had sex, doing things with him, and while I kept trying not to think about it I just thought about it more. All the while my boyfriend was sitting there and I felt so guilty and awful for thinking these unwanted (emphasis on UNWANTED) thoughts. After that I just spiraled downward... I started having thoughts about rape, incest, beastiality, naked children, or just plain wierd or gross things, like when I would see urine in the toilet I would get freaked out for no reason or I would imagine other people doing sexual things with feces- PLEASE don't judge me, I am completely aware that those thoughts are downright horrid. Believe me when I say NOTHING was the limit. When I heard words like 'hard' or 'come', well, let's just say I always imagined a different meaning for them then how they were being used. Sounds like moans from a video game or sighs from people around me actually made me think about those sounds being used in the bedroom even though that is just ridiculous. I imagined doing things to my pets, to my parents, or my boyfriend doing things with another man, or my parents or my grandparents having sex, or my uncle who had severely beaten me having sex with me and me enjoying it. Please keep in mind I am not this person, I would never act on these thoughts, they horrify and sicken me. I am a sweet, sensitive young girl and I have NO idea why my brain would do this to me. All these thoughts are just fleeting, haunting images, but they would reccur over and over again in my mind until I made myself sick. I even passed out in the bathroom once, and spent most of my holidays throwing up and crying. Now, I finally looked up why I would have these thoughts and learned about anxiety and OCD, and how the brain will create whatever scares you the most to distract you from your real problems, and that I would never act out on these thoughts, and it helped immensely. I'm feeling a little better (alot of progress since last week) yet they're still torturing me enough to hinder my life. I can't stand to look at private parts on my pets, I can't stand to be around children, I can't stand being around my parents, especially my dad, and I refuse to be intimate with my boyfriend now because all of this just triggers these debauched, nightmarish images. I've been having panic attacks when I go out, too. I'm so scared that with my history these thoughts will always be a recurring problem, that I will never be able to make love to my boyfriend comfortably again without thinking of something else that makes me feel horrible and guilty, that I won't be able to be around children or have children of my own because of the way I think, and that I won't be able to smoke anymore (never touched any other drugs, but cannabis has always been my number one stress relief... now I can't even smoke anymore without having an ultra panic attack). I can't even drink coffee because it makes me feel even more anxious. And not smoking or drinking coffee is the least of my fears. I am completely aware of the whole OCD thing and that again, I'm NEVER going to act on these thoughts, but that doesn't make them any less terrifying or downright humiliating. I just want somebody else to say they've had these thoughts and have recovered but I'm afraid that I never will even if other people succeeded. I've always been sensitive and dwelled on things, and since this started happening again, I feel like I've opened a door that I will never be able to close again.
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