I have officially lost my mind.

[Stephanie2]

Bio and adopt, thank you for the post. My boys are 2 and 5 and sometimes I don't feel like we will survive these years...meaning I wonder what level of functioning they will be capable of in the end. I put so much work into making my boys well and I just want to know that it will all pay off and they do have a chance for a bright future.

 

My boys' pandas is relatively under control right now, but I still wonder what the impact of the dysfunctional early years will have on them. But when you said that your kids don't remember and now they laugh at your stories, that makes me so happy to hear!!!

 

Thanks for sharing!

Stephanie

I hesitate to post this, for fear of new visitors reading and thinking that this is what becomes of all mothers of PANDAS kids. But, actually I have really gone off the deep end. I almost wish I had never come here. For then, I would have never realized that all the subtle oddities that my son shows are actually not normal. He has been "well" for one year. The eybrows grew in, as did the eyelashes. No tics. No rages. Everything seemed fine. He was "cured." But now I know that the reason my son has never been able to lift the toilet seat is because he can't touch it for fear of touching germs. It's not that he loves that little mini skateboard so much that he can't put it down to eat his food, it's because he has an obsession with it. He's not admiring himself in the mirror every 20 minutes, he's obsessing over whether he appears fat. He doesn't call me into his room at night because he loves me so much, it's because he's wrought with anxiety. He doesn't open the window in his room at night and scream frantically for us to bring in a fan, even in winter, because it really is hot inside, he just thinks it is. And now, the way I have handled him over the past few years, especially the last year, has ruined him. He couldn't help any of it. And I can't undo any of it.

 

 

My PANDAS kids are now almost 20 and 15. They are both doing so much better than when they were younger. When I tell them stories about how difficult things were they don't even remember. They don't remember how I reacted to them when I thought they were just being a pain in the A**. They just laugh now when I tell them how frustrated and angry I got with them. They used to tell my all the time "you dont understand, I just have too". I could see in their eyes the terror. Ten years ago I knew that they had PANDAS, but could not get any medical professionals to believe me. So we just treated them as difficult kids with OCD and tics. If I had only had the info i know now. My kids survived. My oldest daughter was the most difficult and now she is a sweet(most of the time) functioning adult. She loves her mommy even though i didn't always do a great job with her behaviors. All of the my bad times were balanced with good mommy time. No parent is perfect, we all make mistakes, kids learn that the world is not perfect and neither are people. As our kids get older the bad times begin to blur and good times shine. When my youngest was five I remember saying I absolutely do not want any more kids(because two of them were so difficult(PANDAS). Now ten years later I have a four and two year old. So yes I must have forgotten how hard times were. Somedays the little kids remind me how hard it can be. Hopefully one day I will forget again so that my grandkids can remind me and then I will send them home to their parents, so my kids will know how difficult parenting can be. It is a cycle and I pray the next generation will not have to deal with PANDAS. This site is a step into making sure this terrible disease is understood and taken care of early. Thanks to everyone for all they do.

 

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Not Such a Bad Parent After All