Marital Strife - any advice?`

[Stephanie2]

We have been dealing with PANDAS for over 3 years and didn't get a dx until recently (my son is 5). We have been through multiple specialists/dx's/treatments and spent about $20,000 so far before even getting a dx. I also believe that my 18 month old has it.

 

Anyway, my husband and I are so stressed out and my husband turns his frustrations toward me: the house is not clean enough, I should discipline better (he hasn't fully accepted the dx yet), I don't give him enough attention, etc... He has also developed a temper in the last 9 months b/c things have been so intense around here. He yells at me and my 5yo. He gets mad at me when I am stressed out (which is all the time).

 

I have asked him to leave the house and go stay with his parents until we get my son's issues resolved. I told him that I just couldn't take the pressure he was dishing out. Of course, he refused to leave and quite frankly I don't know if I could handle the kids myself anyway. Then I asked him to go on an antidepressant (I am already on one) to ease his anxiety and tone down his temper. So far he is refusing to do this.

 

I guess there is really no good advice anyone can give me. It's just a bad situation and it won't change until we get control of my son's PANDAS. I just needed to vent!!

[thereishope]

No, you're not the only one. It has put a stress on us too. It's a little better now that my son is doing well, but when we were in the middle of it, we would fight a lot.

[P_Mom]

It is an extremely common theme with PANDAS parents....the stress/worry etc., just gets to everybody. Hang in there.

[ShaesMom]

I'm guessing most of us are in the same boat as you Stephanie. It is a lot of stress and worrying and I think it would take its toll on even the best of marriages.

[bmom]

Sounds very familar! Seems unfair that with everything else going on we have to deal with marital problems too! When my son is doing fine, things ease up. I hope that it is the same for you too!

[Char]

I was just thinking to myself yesterday, that I wished my hubby would be more understanding and helpful when it comes to our son. I feel so frustrated sometimes because it seems he doesn't even want to hear what I have to say about our son issues. So it turns into a fight. I find dealing with all of this really puts a stress on my marriage. Just wanted to let you know that, I too find all of this puts stress on marriages! I do find however, that my hubby being more relaxed about our son in away, helps me to be a little less stressed at times. I have found that to be a good thing when my life seems so stressful. So I guess maybe my hubby is actually helping me. But yes, all of this is very stressful!!! Char..

[Worried_Dad]

I'm incredibly lucky. My wife and I are both completely in sync with the PANDAS diagnosis and know our son's brain has suffered serious injury that has caused this nightmare for the whole family. We tend to hit "stress overload" at different times and can cover for each other when it happens. When we both hit stress overload at the same time, it's rough... but fortunately, that hasn't happened too often.

 

With our son's illness and 2 other boys, though, we don't get much "quality time" anymore, and that creates a strain for sure. We try to savor those rare moments when we get a break and our son is having a "good day"!

 

I don't think anyone who hasn't lived through this can really understand what it does to a family. We all deserve a LONG vacation when our kids get better!!!

[michele]

Hang in there hunny. We have been dealing with this stress for seven and a half years. The first seven my husband was in denial. It has taken my son getting alot worse for my husband to get on board and show an interest in the medical issues. At first he was in denial I think. I handled all the Dr's and research alone. Finally in the last few months he is coming to a few appointments and reading books. Yes it is expensive and he doesn't like the added medical bills but he now realizes I am doing whatever I can to open the right doors for help. Also it is a family issue and that is more obvious as the entire family is suffering here from our son's behaviors. We are living in chaos and everyone is angry with each other. Try not to take it out on your husband if you are frustrated. He may be feeling some blame. My husband is on meds for the anger and it does help him stay calm. My husband and his family are in denial that these behaviors may have been genetic since they have mood issues, anxiety, and anger in their family. I just avoid talking to his family about it. As someone else here wrote sometimes having a parent who is not thinking about the disibility 24/7 can make a better person to interact with the child without watching their every move. My husband is really good with my son and plays well together. He stays more calm then I do. Going at this alone as Beth did wih Sammy would be very overwhelming! Try to work things out for the sake of all of the family including you! You will notice here are only a few dads on these boards it is mostly all women. I think those men are the exception in being so involved and helpful wih the medical stuff. Just a guess, but most are probably a bit detached from the situation.

 

I'm incredibly lucky. My wife and I are both completely in sync with the PANDAS diagnosis and know our son's brain has suffered serious injury that has caused this nightmare for the whole family. We tend to hit "stress overload" at different times and can cover for each other when it happens. When we both hit stress overload at the same time, it's rough... but fortunately, that hasn't happened too often.

 

With our son's illness and 2 other boys, though, we don't get much "quality time" anymore, and that creates a strain for sure. We try to savor those rare moments when we get a break and our son is having a "good day"!

 

I don't think anyone who hasn't lived through this can really understand what it does to a family. We all deserve a LONG vacation when our kids get better!!!