Just looking for a place to vent and get support

[DianeB]

Hi everyone,

I just joined this list because I am having a problem coping with my husbands' Tourette and OCD. I have to say that fortunately since he is a long haul truck driver he is not home but once every six weeks or so. His father passed away a couple of months age after a lengthy illness and now my husband is in contact with his mother who lives alone, more frequently. Of course I am the bad person because I identified my husbands' emotional problems and he is an only child. Now his mother is putting a bee in his bonnet about thinking about retiring (he is only 55). When he is home he is displaying a more vast array of disturbing behaviors--more than ever. There is nothing I can do short of never letting him come home, and I can't do that. I have made an appointment with a physician for when he comes home so maybe he can help me with a plan to make him work on making himself better. He has gained a lot of weight over the last ten years, but since his dads funeral he has gained 21 lbs and can no longer fit into the clothes he has at home.

I am overwhelmed with his issues and am on the brink of filing for divorce. Everything seems to have escalated since his fathers' passing. I can't tell him not to contact his mother. She is 77 and lives alone. But he definitely is a momma's boy and does what she asks. And lies to me. In the meantime, I am going to re-enroll in college to pursue a nursing degree for MY future. I need some sort of support while I go through this difficult time. Oh let me explain what his tics are: he wriggles his nose constantly while he talks. But only to one side. And does this weird blinking thing. He has done it for so long and so often that his face is more developed on one side than the other. He makes this "hmm...hmmm...." noise in varying degrees of volume. He regurgitates his food and chews a cud. It's like chewing tobacco. It smells gross and is disgusting. He says this is all subconsciously done. He NEVER puts anything away in its place. Even if it is something he isn't intending to use. He just gets something out and puts it somewhere else!! Those traits are just for starters...

He performs his job beautifully but when he's home everything goes to you know where...

I believe this is hereditary because his son pulled out all of his own eyelashes and eyebrows. My husband also habitually pulls out his mustache hairs either by his hand or by chewing on it. I suspect that he does it to his eyebrows too.

His personal grooming is going downhill since his fathers' passing. I don't think it is necessarily because of his father, but increased stress from his mother. And now his ex-wife is back in the picture. His mother says that she wants him to provide financially for his adult children who are in their late twenties and have children but never married their childrens fathers, and he says feels a lot of guilt because he was forced out of their picture when they were little. His ex-wife is supposedly very religious and has not remarried and resents that he did. My husband expresses his stress by displaying tics and depression...

If you are overwhelmed by reading this, think about how I feel...

Thanks for listening...Diane

[senga]

Hope you are feeling better now. Keep your chin up and youll get there eventually. My 11 year old constantly drove me nuts with his ways of things,eventuallyi got a part time job 3 days a week.Now 1 year later i can cope with him no problem.The times i cant ,i can look forward to escaping to work for a bit of peace and quiet. It may feel like a struggle but everybody gets there in the end.

[DianeB]

Thanks for your reply. Boy, if I had had a child who had tics I don't know what I would have done. I think that on top of everything I am a perfectionist and one trait that "drives me nuts" is when people or things keep on repeating something--patterning. And especially if it gets nowhere. My husband will channel surf between five channels and it drives me crazy. He wears the same clothes for days at a stretch and that drives me nuts. His son and father were the same way. They wear the same clothes for days---I am the total opposite. Work clothes, play clothes and evening leisurewear. Specific clothes for my sports that I participate in. Specific clothes that I do yard work in. These people would wear the same outfit in the morning and then wear it to a symphony in the evening.

The psychologist I saw once to learn how to cope with his behavior was really discouraging to me. I was hoping she would tell me ways to get him over his issues, but it was all about me learning to get on with my own life...well, I kind of did, but then I felt as though I was only married to a paycheck and not a partner. I really want a partner in life. Not someone who needs constant supervision at home or it will all get messed up. To those of you who have Tourettes, how does your lifepartner cope with your issues?? How do you try to make it easier for them---or do you bother to work at it?? Are you sure this isn't just an attention getting thing??

Diane

Diane

[Guest Guest_Debbie]

To those of you who have Tourettes, how does your lifepartner cope with your issues??

 

Quite well, actually. My dh almost always completely ignores my tics, which is the most helpful response for me. I don't mean to be curt, but the problems you mentioned with your dh have very little to do with his TS.

 

Lying to you, putting his mother's concerns over the health of his marriage...these are not related to TS, and they are much more damaging to your marriage than his tics.

 

 

The psychologist I saw once to learn how to cope with his behavior was really discouraging to me. I was hoping she would tell me ways to get him over his issues, but it was all about me learning to get on with my own life...

 

Actually your psychologist was right...it is impossible to force someone else to change, to "get them over their issues." The only person who can help your dh is your dh.

 

 

If you are overwhelmed by reading this, think about how I feel...

 

If you are overwhelmed by living with this (part-time, that is), think about how HE feels.

[family]

Diane,

I feel your pain. My brother has TS and when he was down, the entire family was down. He tried commiting suicide several times, was in and out of re-habs, mental hospitals, and schools. Constantly fighting.. afraid for his life. Always doing the wrong thing. Being a few years younger than him, this really upset me and I spent many days and night worring about him and crying. Even now as adults I'm bailing him out from wrong decisions he's made and I'm afraid he's going to take the family down with him (it's a real possiblity). It's only because I truly love him and have always had a close bond with him that makes me susceptible to being hurt. I know this sounds self-centered, but at what point can I live my own life without having his actions bringing me down? My entire life has been lived around his needs and failings. His worst enemy is himself and I'm afraid he's going to kill himself. The more concerned I am, the worse he probably feels for the things he's done. I feel helpless, resentful, and tired. My advise, if I'm in any position to give one, is to just wait it out and try to become numb towards it all.

 

Family

[Chemar]

Hi Family and welcome to the Forum

 

I am not sure if you noticed but this thread is quite old, from 2002, and so i dont know if any of these people still check in here. I havent seen any posts by them in years.

 

Anyway, I do feel for your situation. However, it is important to note that what your brother is struggling with are Co-morbid issues and not his Tourettes. Tourette Syndrome is about tics...motor or vocal and it is neurological not psychological or "mental" ......the issues of rage and other behavioural problems and suicidal thoughts and all of those serious issues are usually caused by either another disorder that is occurring along with the TS (for example, many people with Ts also have OCD=obsessive compulsive disorder)

Often these "other" issues can even be a direct result of the strong medications prescribed for tics. Some of these meds can have things like psychosis, and depression etc as side effects.

Also, sometimes people with TS suffer psychological problems brought about by the misunderstanding, ostraziation,stigmatization etc they suffer from other people, or because of their own embarrassment and frustration about their tics.

 

So, the issues that your brother faces may be any or all of these, and the situation is therefore far too complex for you or your family to be able to deal with

Your brother needs to be in the care of a qualified therapist or physician.

 

I know you love him and want to help him, but from your post it is quite clear that it is draining you and seriously impacting your own life. The best thing you can do for him and for yourself is to get him the qualified help he needs.

 

I dont know where you are located, but if you contact the Tourette Syndrome Association ( http://www.tsa-usa.org ) they may be able to give you a referral list for psychologists in your area who have experience with TS. They will also be able to tell you if there are any TS support groups in your area that your brother can amybe start attending. Being with others who understand may well help him get a handle on many of these things that are tormenting him. There are also TS support groups for family members.

 

Please stay in touch with us too as YOU are in need of support as well.