I am a mess about my sexuality and need to vent

[braindump]

Oh my god I can't even begin to tell you how great it feels to have found this forum. I am tormented around the clock with homosexual thoughts and have no idea how to handle it. I am happily married, have an amazing sex life with my wife and still can't stop fantasizing about homosexual encounters. When I was very young, I was exposed to sexual materials and situations and even acted out with cousins (hetero and homo)and a close friend which tortures me daily that I molested them even though we were all the same age range. I have a suspicion that I may have been molested but don't know for sure.

 

When I was n my early 20's I had a run of drug use and counteless sexual encounters of which one was oral with 2 men... Oh my god it feels so good to admit that out loud. I don't know what to make of all of this, I am not attracted to men in fact the fantasies are totally faceless, they are litteally focused on performing oral sex on men. I tried the exposure approach by looking at porn on the internet but that seems to fuel it further? I think I am part OCD, part sex addict part just a mess.

 

I have considered the possibility of being bi-sexual but I really don't think that's the case as I have no interest in being with a man other then very specific fantasies...

 

Is it possible that my boundaries are so screwed up from such a young age that I don't know which way is up?

 

Thank you for letting me rant and any insight would be a great relief. I love my wife and children and want this torture to stop, it is really begging to take a toll on me...

[Chemar]

hello braindump

 

so sorry for what you are suffering with all this

 

although we do have posts here from time to time, this forum is not very active and so I am going to recommend that you maybe check out the community at PsychCentral, the top mental health community on the web IMHO

 

there are a number of forums there that I believe will be able to offer you the support and guidance you need.

 

Dr John Grohol, who administers the site, also has weekly free chats where people can talk with him and other professionals

 

it is an excellent and well administered site with a wealth of info and support for all mental health issues

 

I hope this will be helpful to you

here is the link to the forums there

http://forums.psychcentral.com/

 

Chemar

[Flying Apples]

woah......... yes thats how things turn out to be.

i have been living in ignorance too. and now when this is happening. i cannot face my past.