School is calling...this is not good!

[cobbiemommy]

Ds, 12, is hating school. He just started middle school where they change classes each hour. His teacher called me, luckily she is someone I have known for a long time. He is not doing his work, not bringing his work home, he is rude to people and does the circular arguing that goes nowhere. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He is taking Rifampin for Bartonella and Bactrim for Babesia. We are almost through our first month of Bactrim after finishing a month of Tindamax.

 

He is begging me to homeschool him. I am a certified teacher, but have no desire to teach my son. He knows how to push all of my buttons, plus then he would have no social interaction with his peers. Although, if he is going to be so negative, what would he miss, really????

 

Can't get ahold of the doctors office for another ten minutes, so I guess I am venting here!

 

I wonder if it is the Bactrim that is doing this. He seems fine when he is not in school, but then he is usually only dealing with me or his dad. I want to beg the doctor for IVIg, but it probably would not get approved by the insurance, so what's the point???!!!

 

Frustration does not begin to cover my feelings at this point. Please, someone help me look objectively at my options.

 

Cobbie

[Suzan]

Cobbie, I am so sorry you are going through this! I don't know how much help I will be but wanted to give you some cyber support anyway.

 

I'm not a teacher but I would not want to homeschool my kids either. I am an emotional trigger for my dd10 and I don't think we'd get anything done. The 1 hr of homework a day just about kills me. I hope the doctor has some good suggestions for you. Do you have a 504 Plan or IEP at the school?

 

Susan

[dcmom]

cobbie-

 

So sorry- no real help here- just understand your frustration! We had MAJOR school anxiety here last year. DD missed much of the 2nd half of the year.

 

I think homeschooling is great, if your child is too sick, or if it is what you want- but- I am with you, my kids go to a GREAT public school, and this schooling is GOOD for them. They thrive there, usually. Homeschooling is not something you should feel pushed into, AND, if you do start, it might not be so easy for him to go back.

 

Do you know why he is miserable? Is it ocd? I think a great therapist could be a big help to your son, and you... do you have anyone?

[JuliaFaith]

Just an FYI, my ds13 did an on-line school last year for 7th grade. It was much better than trying to get the school district to provide more than 2 hrs. of tutoring and running back and forth getting homework etc. He was very ill so the on-line seemed our only option and it was free.

 

On another note, it was the most difficult thing I have every had to do. I also have been a teacher, but dealing with his illness and trying to get him to do school work was very difficult but seemed necessary. His rages have only ever been directed at me and were only about school work. Thank goodness those were reduced substantially after a few months of treatment and things got better, but I do not know how many 'contracts' we wrote up together to solve the school 'crisis's' that we encountered.

 

I jokingly told a friend today that after that experience, I could do anything!

 

Now, after 11 mos. of treatment he has returned to 8th grade in the jr. high. Has not been in a public school since the last qtr. of 6th grade so he was a bit anxious. His first day, hopped on his bike and rode to school and had a great time. I did errands afterwards and completely fell apart emotionally in the car realizing how far we had come and how joyous it was to see him go back to school!

 

We are hoping for continued healing and continued public school.

 

Best wishes on making the decision that is right for your child. You will know what is best.

[cobbiemommy]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! We are starting year two of treatment, but in our eighth year of dealing with this mess. We do have an IEP, documentation from his doctor supporting us, and the teachers and administrators at the middle school seem very supportive.

 

I think I need to find a new counselor, one who deals with CBT or ERP.

 

Thanks for the support. It means the world to me.

 

Cobbie

[philamom]

Julia Faith- Yippee for the first day! You deserve those good tears!!

 

cobbiemommy- I'm right there with you on the school. After making some treatment changes, my daughter had a pretty great month of July & August. Then last week we went down the shore and on the first day she was incredibly sweet, well-behaved, no yelling when I told her no boardwalk for the day, and then she woke up the next day miserable, and it's been crappy ever since. She's hyper, impulsive, defiant, inflexible. Anyways, we are also having major, major school anxiety issues & refusal. And, to top things off, her school who always had her best interest at heart (even asked me to pick her teacher last year - 3rd grade) has placed her with a tough teacher, who issues a lot of written work & homework - my daughter's trouble spots. Now I'm scrambling to help her with no 504/IEP in place, because up until now the school has been super supportive. And my daughter also deals with constant arm & leg tingles from the lyme, which seems to get worse when she's writing. Sorry I just hijacked your thread...frustrated too I can't imagine the troubles in middle & high school...I'm already a mess.

[LNN]

After 5 days of loving school, my daughter (not the kid I usually post about) had major anxiety this morning. She wouldn't take the bus and I had to drive her and walk into the classroom with her (1st grade). Thankfully, the teacher seems understanding and I quickly reviewed some things that might help - talking back to the anxiety fairies, keeping busy, visualizing happy colors - and the teacher seemed to understand (we shall see). So I think as much as all of us are hyper-sensitive to our kids triggers, we have to remember that this is a stressful time of year and if possible, we need to give our kids the tools, encouragement and sometimes kick in the butt to get through it if they can. If we give in too soon, we risk robbing them of that feeling of success when they rise above it and face their fears. I sit here sick with worry for my daughter (is she sad, will the teacher pick up on clues, will loud noises set her off, will she explode when she gets home). But I also have to try to be the coach and not the conductor. Sometimes we need to support without rescuing. God, it's hard.

 

That said, one suggestion if things get super bad is to make an agreement with your kids. If they can get through the morning, you'll pick them up at lunch. If they can get positive feedback from teachers, they can skip a homework assignment (obviously with a teacher's consent that you'd have to pre-arrange in a 504 team meeting), etc. Parenting by bribery. Sometimes if the carrot is big enough, they can fight through the OCD/mood issues, with your coaching and practicing tools (time to dust off What to Do When Your Brain Gets Stuck).

 

Cobbiesmom - you and your son should both read John March's Talking Back to OCD - it's great at putting the responsibility for thought-control onto the teen and making the parent step back. You can get locked into a no-win situation if it's you doing all the work. Your son is the only one who can control his thoughts and he has to take responsibility. If he were unable to function, home-schooling might be an option. But this sounds like your son is looking for an escape from doing the hard work, from taking responsibility for his disease. I don't mean to sound callous. I really do sympathize - my son has begged me for the same thing and I have thought about it more than once. But like you, it's not something I want to do and it would be a negative experience. I think you're right to look for a therapist who can help you with CBT/ERP. It is so so critical. This is a long treatment road. Maybe meds will get us to the finish line, but the therapy is what helps you hold it together during the journey. Stick to your guns on this one. Give him the tools to help himself but also let him suffer the consequences of his behaviors if he doesn't at least try to use his tools (there will be lots of failures - so also reward the good efforts and do let him indulge when he's really trying, even if it's a small effort).

 

Philamom - if you're heading down the 504 path, best thing you can do early on is get a letter from your doctor. You can post over on the Pandas forum - there's some sample letter floating around - and I'll send you the letter we used. Write it for your doctor and then ask him/her to print it on their letterhead and sign it. You can waste a lot of time waiting for a busy doctor to write a letter and it may not cover everything you were hoping for. The letter, with diagnosis and a list of appropriate accommodations included, should be enough to get you the 504. You may want to google your state's requirements to make sure you include the right buzz words in the letter.

Also maybe have a heart to heart with the teacher. If you walk away with a feeling in your gut that this will be an uphill effort, maybe approach the administrators you have a good relationship with and ask them what can be done to improve things. There are lots of ways to show comprehension besides writing. You can make dioramas, posters, powerpoint presentations. We struggle with the same thing here. Luckily last year's teacher gave lots of projects that didn't rely on writing. I also found that letting my son stand at the homework table and letting him chew gum helps his concentration. We've also printed dark vertical lines on paper and placed that under his homework paper. The dark lines show through and help him keep his writing a little straighter/aligned. Put dark graph paper behind math sheets.

 

I'm struggling with how much to tell my school about lyme. It's almost better to stick with Pandas because they don't assume they know much about it. With lyme, they all know someone who had it, took abx for a month or three and now are fine. To try to convince them that your kid has chronic lyme is almost worse than discussing some rare, strep-triggered brain attack. For now, our 504 remains under the Pandas umbrella.

[philamom]

LLM- thanks for the suggestions. I hope your daughter's school day ended well!

[LNN]

Well, she made it through the day. The teacher said she had some quiet moments, but mostly stayed busy. She was cuddly in the evening. This morning, I made sure to give her plenty of time to wake up and not be rushed and she was able to get on the bus all smiles and happy. So one crisis averted. 173 days to go.

[cobbiemommy]

After another day of DS arguing with all around him at school and crying in the middle of lunch (someone spilled juice on him), I got another call from a different teacher. I dread looking at the caller ID.

 

The doctor was not much help. He had ten different possibles, but nothing definitive.

 

Trying to look at all the possibilities with a fresh set of eyes.

 

Cobbie