Day 9 - School Refusal

[mama2alex]

Our ds9 had a major flare-up starting a week and a half ago and has refused to go to school ever since. He improved somewhat with increased Azithromycin, but is not back to his former 75% improvement. We have tried everything we can think of to convince/force/bribe him to go to school. He did go up on thurs to make up his standardized tests and stayed for an hour afterward, but then wouldn't go Friday b/c he said he was so behind on his work. We got him caught up over the weekend, but every now he starts saying scary things and trying to hit me every time I mention going up to school.

 

Has anyone else experienced this refusal? I know some have just taken their kids out to protect them from strep, viruses and unenlightened teachers, but he just refuses to go.

 

Any thoughts/ideas/input would be more than welcome at this point. Don't worry about hurting my feelings if you think we shouldn't even be trying to get him to go - this thought has definitely crossed my mind.

 

We are probably going to request home-hospital schooling through the district for the remainder of the year, but we'd like to hear what others have seen and done.

 

Thanks!

Jennifer

[peglem]

Does he tell you why? Could it be separation anxiety?

 

After my daughter's 2nd low dose IVIG, she started the same thing. I think at that point it was definitely separation anxiety. We're still struggling with it. We make her go anyway, because (God forgive me) I need a friggin break! My daughter goes to a special needs school, though, so has people at her school that can deal with severe behaviors.

[norcalmom]

Maybe he is having separtion anxiety? my only thought is maybe you can ease him back in with just a couple hours. Or you could go with him ot th library time or somehting else (gym, art, music?) and be nearby. Or if there is a feild trip or class party you can go to that, to start to get him back into his routine. We only have 3 1/2 weeks left, I dunno about your schoold district, but I don't hitnk they are missing too much academically at this point.

I found out from our teacher this year that no child has to take the standardized tests(we are in CA), he personally has exempted his children a couple times himself. I tried to talk our son out of doing ithem this year, because he was in minor exacerbation and not only did I not want to add stress, I thought there would be a possibility that his score (especially in math) would be low because of the exacerbation. He really wanted ot take it beause he doesn't like to be singled out (and we've been taking him out of class for Drs appointments so much - he hates that). so we let him.

They use several differnt math tests from 5th grade to place the kids in the middle school- it gets broken into 3 groups going into 6th grade. They also use teacher input. Our teacher thought that his input and the end of year middle school placement test were much better reflection of kids ability and knowledge....especially my kid since we think he is gifted in math, but will occassionally bomb tests. We are in process of trying to figure this out. I suspect pandas related.

Food for thought for next years standardized test.

[mama2alex]

He says the kids will ask him where he's been, won't believe he's been sick, tease him about it. I know the teachers aren't very understanding. Sometimes he threatens to run out into the street (school's on a busy street) if we make him go, but I don't actually believe he would ever do that.

 

How do you "make" her go? He's too big for me to carry or force into the car. And the school offers no assistance once we get there - no one other than the principal will even engage in a conversation with him when he's refusing to go to class. So if I could make him go, I might. But we just don't know what that would look like. We've taken away priveleges, like tv/computer, even seeing friends for a few days, but nothing sways him.

 

Does he tell you why? Could it be separation anxiety?

 

After my daughter's 2nd low dose IVIG, she started the same thing. I think at that point it was definitely separation anxiety. We're still struggling with it. We make her go anyway, because (God forgive me) I need a friggin break! My daughter goes to a special needs school, though, so has people at her school that can deal with severe behaviors.

[fuelforall]

Hi, Jennifer,

 

Sigh. No, despite what Peglem is able to do with her child, you can't make them go to school. You can't physically haul them over your shoulder and so on. I started to try that once. Didn't go over well.

 

 

This school anxiety is something my son has. I don't think it's separation anxiety, I think it's pressure from social and educational forces at school. Probably not something he'll tell you. Don't be hasty about home/hospital schooling. Remember, it's almost June and the school year is ending. Pressure lessens considerably.

 

Here's the advice I was given on getting a child to school.

Try to get him to the building. Tell him he can sit in the counselor's room, or with the parenting coordinator, or with the assistant principal. No pressure to go to class. Get your school on board with this.

Change the morning routine. Take him out for breakfast. Take him to play a sport early before school. See if another friend of his will meet him and trade Pokemon cards before school, then you take them home when you reach school so the kids don't get in trouble (they are banned in my son's school)

Hire someone to take him to school. My son now has a male nanny, he comes in the morning, gives my son a ride on his bicycle.

 

 

Hope this is helpful.

Michael

[tantrums]

I have not had this situation yet, but I tell you I fear it to my very core!! I have dealt with school phobic kids at work both with my CPS job and my Developemental Disabilities job. I can honestly tell you - we never found a good solution, or one that truly works to everyone's advantage Being a case manager and sending in behaviorists, provider respite agencies, etc... we've tried all sorts of solutions from having someone else transport the child to the parent going and staying at school. And of course, I've seen uncaring/unknowing school districts take parents to court for non attendance of the children

 

That said, I wish you ALL THE BEST that this too "shall pass" eventually. In the meantime, just please don't give up trying whatever course you take. If you want your child back at school, even if home schooling, I would continue to try activities at the school so it doesn't become a totally foreign place.

 

But I did want to add, picking up screaming child and carrying them in... was always the WORST result

[smartyjones]

He says the kids will ask him where he's been, won't believe he's been sick, tease him about it. I know the teachers aren't very understanding. Sometimes he threatens to run out into the street (school's on a busy street) if we make him go, but I don't actually believe he would ever do that.

 

How do you "make" her go? He's too big for me to carry or force into the car. And the school offers no assistance once we get there - no one other than the principal will even engage in a conversation with him when he's refusing to go to class. So if I could make him go, I might. But we just don't know what that would look like. We've taken away priveleges, like tv/computer, even seeing friends for a few days, but nothing sways him.

 

mama - so sorry to hear this, i know it's difficult. my son is a bit younger - 5, kindergarten - so it's not the same 'importance' as older schooling. he did not attend for the last 5 weeks last year, he was in an exacerbation(after 100% improvement with abx that i thought he was cured) and got in trouble mainly through a misunderstanding. his health was spiraling down and i kept him out the next day and then couldn't get him back. over the summer, he said he was never going back. for us, one day is so improtant b/c it just gets the snowball rolling and boy, does it build fast!

 

of course, i don't know you or your son, but in my opinion, your son is seeing going back into school just like you'd see walking into a building with a wild lion on the loose.

 

you may want to check out anxietybc.com. i found it very helpful with info about anxiety and plans for systematic desensitization. for us, last year, it was important to realize, he's not doing it on purpose and he'd gladly walk into a burning forest instead of going into the school building so no coaxing, bribing, punishing etc was going to work.

 

if you're going to force it, you have to have the support on the other end of someone who understands or at least tries to understand like you do. when they're just rolling their eyes that it's defiance, it's not helpful. they've got to work like it's anxiety and be helpful and supportive, not punitive.

 

this year has been much better, only a few times i had to leave him there with a teacher holding him. he's younger and smaller than your son and they were willing to do that. once he knew he was there, he'd get with the program. things started falling apart in school in the spring when his teacher, i think, just got tired of dealing with him and wanted him to just be like all the other kids. i no longer have confidence it's a good place for him if he's upset - he's okay if the day is normal but i can't trust they have the proper respect to help him anymore with school refusal.

 

a few weeks ago, his teacher tried to have him stay the whole day (he leaves 15 min early). it backfired. of course, he wanted to "never go back ever again!" it's especially hard b/c i, like you, can't trust there's appropriate help on the other end. so i decided i wasn't going to have him go if it was difficult. a key here for me - i decided. so i feel better about it than being that i'm trying to get him there and just can't. there's only a small amount of time left, so maybe that can help or if you do do homeschooling, you can have it be a place of power that you've chosen rather than you're forced into a corner and just can't get him to go.

 

i'm not sure where i think ds's health is -- he's on some newer treatments for newly found infections and i don't know if he's showing reactions or has allergies or spring cold. he's not totally healthy but of course, we need coping mechanism to live and to teach him what he may need to get through life.

 

ds didn't want to go the following day, and we were able to arrive at a solution that if he didn't go that day, he would the next. lucky for us, the next was a 1/2 day friday with a gym event planned. the next monday, he didn't want to go. we worked a plan to walk into the school as a desensitization 'step' and agree to go the following day. he went the whole rest of the week.

 

today is the next monday -- he's home. he wouldn't get out of bed and wouldn't open his eyes. said he "just didn't want to go. there's a reason but i just can't explain it." again, we made the deal that if he didn't go today, he goes tomorrow. remains to be seen what will happen tomorrow. he's usually pretty good if he makes an agreement. we'll see.

 

last year, he's always say tomorrow but never go. this year, he's healthier plus we've worked the past year on finding solutions, making agreements, and systematic desensitizations.

 

on these days (and last year) when he hasn't gone, he has to stay in his room and read or do activity books. which, he's always done until the time he's supposed to come out. i think it's b/c it's certainly the lesser of 2 evils for him.

 

good luck and keep me posted!

Edited May 17, 2010 by smartyjones

[smartyjones]

Here's the advice I was given on getting a child to school.

Try to get him to the building. Tell him he can sit in the counselor's room, or with the parenting coordinator, or with the assistant principal. No pressure to go to class. Get your school on board with this.

Hope this is helpful.

Michael

 

i would try to talk to him about what he'd be willing to do in school along these lines. not that you're agreeing, you're just trying to find info about what is in his mind reasonable and what is not doable. can he be with a counselor but not other kids? etc.

 

then see if you can work up some plans -- tomorrow, he read in the library for 1 hour. whatever will work for him, you and the school.

[tantrums]

I did do a plan once with someone who had developed a major anxiety issue and agoraphobia. But he LOVED Burger kIng. It was very step by step. Day one, he would go to BK but got to eat it in the van. We did that several times... Then, he had to open the van door to get it (but eat in the van), After a few times of that, he had to step out of the van to get the food. Then step 10 feet away from van to get food, go back into van to eat. Then - go to BK door to retrieve food, then back to van. Then inside BK to get food, back to van. Then in line to get food but back out to eat. Then in line, get food eat inside. It was a VERY VERY proud moment. This was a person who hadn't left his home in years. It took maybe a couple of months for the process.

 

Of course, we had an obvious reward there. Not sure what a good reward would be at the school? Silly bands if child goes inside? Silly band for every 15 minutes spent inside?

 

I use that example bc it worked. We also adapted that plan to other places and now that individual goes everywhere without rewards. Quality of life is greatly iimproved.

 

I wonder if that type of step by step, a little at a time, procedure might help with a school phobic child? let them get comfortable with each step before moving forward.

[sf_mom]

My girlfriend's son did run off school property in a panic attack. They had to run after him and restrain him on the ground while he had that wild look in his eyes, kicking and screaming. To this day, he still does not understand why he ran off school grounds.

 

My vote is to pull Alex from school. Perhaps get him another IVIG immediately to provide temporary relief and go after the LYME full force. Get some assistance for him and you while at home..... nanny, tutors, etc (whatever it takes). AND, perhaps restart him in fall or a year from now when he is doing better.

 

I truly feel for your situation. Hang in there but getting him is well is truly the only priority at this point.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He says the kids will ask him where he's been, won't believe he's been sick, tease him about it. I know the teachers aren't very understanding. Sometimes he threatens to run out into the street (school's on a busy street) if we make him go, but I don't actually believe he would ever do that.

 

How do you "make" her go? He's too big for me to carry or force into the car. And the school offers no assistance once we get there - no one other than the principal will even engage in a conversation with him when he's refusing to go to class. So if I could make him go, I might. But we just don't know what that would look like. We've taken away priveleges, like tv/computer, even seeing friends for a few days, but nothing sways him.

 

Does he tell you why? Could it be separation anxiety?

 

After my daughter's 2nd low dose IVIG, she started the same thing. I think at that point it was definitely separation anxiety. We're still struggling with it. We make her go anyway, because (God forgive me) I need a friggin break! My daughter goes to a special needs school, though, so has people at her school that can deal with severe behaviors.

[Megs_Mom]

I did do a plan once with someone who had developed a major anxiety issue and agoraphobia. But he LOVED Burger kIng. It was very step by step. Day one, he would go to BK but got to eat it in the van. We did that several times... Then, he had to open the van door to get it (but eat in the van), After a few times of that, he had to step out of the van to get the food. Then step 10 feet away from van to get food, go back into van to eat. Then - go to BK door to retrieve food, then back to van. Then inside BK to get food, back to van. Then in line to get food but back out to eat. Then in line, get food eat inside. It was a VERY VERY proud moment. This was a person who hadn't left his home in years. It took maybe a couple of months for the process.

 

Of course, we had an obvious reward there. Not sure what a good reward would be at the school? Silly bands if child goes inside? Silly band for every 15 minutes spent inside?

 

I use that example bc it worked. We also adapted that plan to other places and now that individual goes everywhere without rewards. Quality of life is greatly iimproved.

 

I wonder if that type of step by step, a little at a time, procedure might help with a school phobic child? let them get comfortable with each step before moving forward.

 

Our daughter gets agoraphobia from OCD, I can see why, if the OCD comes out of the blue. It's pretty scary. Basically the plan that you describe above is ERP - in the case of panic/agoro, it is called exposure therapy - for OCD, it is exposure & ritual prevention. We treat avoidance as the ritual or response part of ERP. It take a lot of time, committment from everyone - and with kids, a good bit of creativity & trial and error. This post made me feel tired, as I know just what you are up against. I agree that you really cannot force a child to do anything - especially an older child - but really anyone that is in a panic mode. However, that does not mean that you lose all expectation or don't continue to try to develop a plan. It's so hard with the school system, as you need them on board. Have you considered an IEP that might allow you to develop this sort of plan with some support?

 

I am not against home schooling at all - it is a great option for a lot of reasons. In our case, it was not just school, it was everywhere, and spreading fast. During exacerbations, it was critical for us to keep "going out" and school and activities were a big part of that. Once we lost something, it was a huge battle to get it back. Let me tell you, the day a dr said my child was agoraphobic, I cried harder than I ever have before. This was my sweet 6 year old kid, that I took everywhere with me, who never had a bad thing happen to her. She's an only, and was so flexible & curious. To go to agoraphobia in a matter of a week was so hard to process, and kept us searching for answers. It was only later that we really "peeled the onion layers" and realized was OCD really is, and how it contributes to agoraphobia. And how OCD is caused by PANDAS.

 

We did relaxation and breathing practice to get through panic attacks that were triggered by OCD bad thoughts - and then went to ERP to help understand and reduce the OCD. When properly treated with abx, the bad thougths are so dramatically reduced that the therapy then really eliminates the issues quickly. But the exposure plan was very systematic, and did get her to her life, but not without a good bit of work and - well, I guess the best word is pain, on her part & on mine. I can't tell you how many days I cried in my car after leaving her in her classroom, dance class, gymnastics.... I had great teachers and aides that helped us a lot & we had a lot of meetings and brainstorming about how to best do this. I need to send some more thank you notes out soon.....

[saidie10]

Our ds9 had a major flare-up starting a week and a half ago and has refused to go to school ever since. He improved somewhat with increased Azithromycin, but is not back to his former 75% improvement. We have tried everything we can think of to convince/force/bribe him to go to school. He did go up on thurs to make up his standardized tests and stayed for an hour afterward, but then wouldn't go Friday b/c he said he was so behind on his work. We got him caught up over the weekend, but every now he starts saying scary things and trying to hit me every time I mention going up to school.

 

Has anyone else experienced this refusal? I know some have just taken their kids out to protect them from strep, viruses and unenlightened teachers, but he just refuses to go.

 

Any thoughts/ideas/input would be more than welcome at this point. Don't worry about hurting my feelings if you think we shouldn't even be trying to get him to go - this thought has definitely crossed my mind.

 

We are probably going to request home-hospital schooling through the district for the remainder of the year, but we'd like to hear what others have seen and done.

 

Thanks!

Jennifer

 

so sorry your ds and your family are going through this right! this is terrible. the anxiety he must feel must be really overwhelming for him to be in this situation. just keep hanging in there mom and i hope you get the help you need!

[wornoutmom]

This, for me, is some of the hardest stuff. In 6th grade the school phobia surfaced. For him, he went blank during a test - his brain just wouldn't work. This scared him and he ended up having a panic attack. After this happened a few more times he became panicky that he would have a panic attack in school, and this led to separation anxiety. He could not stand the idea of having a panic attack in front of classmates and away from me with no one to help him. What we tried that didn't work: hospitalization, homebound services, gradual re-introduction to school (i.e. go 1 hour , then work up to 2 hours, then 3 etc.), lots of time in the counselors office, therapy. What did eventually work: an IEP reducing work and giving him daily one on one time with a case manager to manage academics, flooding technique with him signing a contract (i.e. go to school and can go to counselors office or time out room or call therapist but not home - has to wait out the anxiety until it calms and then go back to class) and daily prize box for attendance with large reward after completion of school (a tv for his room)

 

That being said, 2 years later he still experiences periodic school refusal. Now it is based on being overwhelmed by the volume of work and fearing he may lose control at school. Once the volume of work is reduced and managable again for him, he seems ok. Again - the same theme that he won't be able to control his emotions at school (publicly mortifying for a junior high student) I have to say our school counselor has been amazing with him and usually is able to talk him through the worst and get him back on track. Do you have counselors/support services at your son's school?

[Megs_Mom]

This, for me, is some of the hardest stuff. In 6th grade the school phobia surfaced. For him, he went blank during a test - his brain just wouldn't work. This scared him and he ended up having a panic attack. After this happened a few more times he became panicky that he would have a panic attack in school, and this led to separation anxiety. He could not stand the idea of having a panic attack in front of classmates and away from me with no one to help him. What we tried that didn't work: hospitalization, homebound services, gradual re-introduction to school (i.e. go 1 hour , then work up to 2 hours, then 3 etc.), lots of time in the counselors office, therapy. What did eventually work: an IEP reducing work and giving him daily one on one time with a case manager to manage academics, flooding technique with him signing a contract (i.e. go to school and can go to counselors office or time out room or call therapist but not home - has to wait out the anxiety until it calms and then go back to class) and daily prize box for attendance with large reward after completion of school (a tv for his room)

 

That being said, 2 years later he still experiences periodic school refusal. Now it is based on being overwhelmed by the volume of work and fearing he may lose control at school. Once the volume of work is reduced and managable again for him, he seems ok. Again - the same theme that he won't be able to control his emotions at school (publicly mortifying for a junior high student) I have to say our school counselor has been amazing with him and usually is able to talk him through the worst and get him back on track. Do you have counselors/support services at your son's school?

I was thinking today about how I would feel about this as an adult. I'm in sales, so imagine in the middle of a presentation, my mind blanks out & then I can't remember names & I start sweating like mad. I can't imagine how I would react! Life is hard enough - and to be a middle school kid, when everyone feels like they are already being stared at & evaluated all the time - it has to be the hardest thing! No real answers, just a sympathetic comment.

[peglem]

He says the kids will ask him where he's been, won't believe he's been sick, tease him about it. I know the teachers aren't very understanding. Sometimes he threatens to run out into the street (school's on a busy street) if we make him go, but I don't actually believe he would ever do that.

 

How do you "make" her go? He's too big for me to carry or force into the car. And the school offers no assistance once we get there - no one other than the principal will even engage in a conversation with him when he's refusing to go to class. So if I could make him go, I might. But we just don't know what that would look like. We've taken away priveleges, like tv/computer, even seeing friends for a few days, but nothing sways him.

 

Does he tell you why? Could it be separation anxiety?

 

After my daughter's 2nd low dose IVIG, she started the same thing. I think at that point it was definitely separation anxiety. We're still struggling with it. We make her go anyway, because (God forgive me) I need a friggin break! My daughter goes to a special needs school, though, so has people at her school that can deal with severe behaviors.

 

I'm sorry, I do forget sometimes how different my daughter's situation is from others. She attends a self contained, cross categorical special needs school. In the mornings, she keep refusing to get on the bus- and they would have to leave w/o her, and so I cancelled the bus and now I drive her. Its very difficult to get her into my van in the mornings. We cannot physically force her anymore. It takes a lot of reassurance. She frequently thrashes about in the back seat while we are driving to school. Refuses to get out of the van when we arrive....its quite an ordeal! But, she has a one-one assisstant and the school is designed to thwart escape (for lack of a better word- its not safe to have kids running off!) Once she's actually in school, she seems to enjoy herself.