Does my partner suffer from OCD?

[Fatboy]

I'm soliciting any relevant advice or help. In January, I began a relationship with a wonderful woman (I'm 56 and she's 45). She is originally from South America and struggles a bit with English, so communication has it's hurdles. I believe she may be plagued by OCD or perhaps a similar personality disorder and it appears our relationship is in jeopardy or over. I should note, she also struggles with sleep apnea but will not wear the mask. I'm not very knowledgeable about these problems, so, I failed to recognize symptoms early in our relationship. I'm praying someone here can steer me in the right direction. This is what I've seen/experienced.

 

She is fanatical about cleanliness. I've seen her repeatedly mop her kitchen floor and it's spotless to start. She cleans her condo and that's spotless to start. She does laundry almost constantly when home, even though only she and her 23 year old son reside in the condo. Both have extensive wardrobes, so they're not running short of clean clothes or linens. About a month ago, and it was this day I began to suspect something was awry, I accompanied her into New York City (Manhattan...she works there & resides in NJ). We took the bus from her home to Manhattan, then the subway uptown to the theater district near her job. She instructed my not to touch any door handles, escalator hand railings, subway hand rails, etc., because they were dirty and germ laden. When I would touch any of these public items, she would pull a tube of anti-bacterial lotion from her purse and insist on squirting some on my hands. This same day, she showered before leaving in the morning for NYC, she showered 5 hours later upon returning home because "the city is dirty". About an hour later, we took her dog to Newark to stay at her brothers for a couple days. When we returned to her place about an hour later, she showered again because "the air was dirty". A week later, we took 3 of her comforters to the laundromat to wash them. She washed her hands 3 or 4 times while there, and repeated the same when we returned 45 minutes later to dry the linens. We returned after another 45 minutes to remove the comforters from the dryers and again she washed repeatedly. She would insist I showered and shaved before going to bed with her even if I had done so just hours before.

 

She was anxious to move quickly at the start of our relationship. Within 3 or 4 weeks, we went for a get-away weekend and were sexually active from that point. I would spend 3 days and nights per week at her home from this point on. But she seems to have sexual hangups which she passes off as shyness or being "old fashioned". She does not like to remove her nightie/underwear/lingerie until immediately before intercourse and most often she dresses within minutes of climax. She does not like to touch my penis and rarely does so. Oral sex is out of the question, either for her or me. She has unreasonable fears I would defecate in her bed. All of us pass gas at times in bed. Yet if I did so, she would throw the blankets aside and check to see if I had defecated in the bed. The more we became involved romantically and sexually the more she expressed concerns about "moving too fast", yet, it was usually she who desired that pace. As time went on, she would be very caring and affectionate, but in very short order, she would tell me to find someone else.

 

She also has what I believe is an unusual obsession with orderliness. In her bedroom, she's fanatical about ordeliness in her closet. Everything must be in a certain place. She folds her bras and panties just like they come out of the package and then each undergarment has it's special place in the rows of undergarments in her drawers. When we would watch TV in her living room, if I left the remote on the couch, she would get up and place it on the TV stand, even if I would change channels again within minutes. When I enter her home, if I remove my coat and shoes, she immediately places them in the closet, even though I would do the same within minutes.

 

The last month, our relationship has become very stormy. She has exhibited frequent 180 degree mood swings and has threatened to end our relationship (throughout our time together, she was extremely worried I would be the one to leave her).

We had planned to spend Easter weekend together, but yesterday, she emailed me and said she was flying to South America to be with her family for the holiday (unknown to me at the time, this was an April Fool joke on her part. She had no such plans). I replied that I was very happy she would be seeing her family and told her to have a wonderful time. I stated her trip was probably a good thing because I had suffered from a very painful dental problem all week and our Easter weekend was questionable. Within minutes, she phoned to tell me our relationship was over, that I didn't care for her, that we lived too far apart (100 miles). She was completely unhinged and I couldn't get a word in let alone reason with her. I emailed her last night and asked her to reconsider, to think about the many wonderful and loving times we had together. I told her I loved her very much (I do). But this morning she called and told me to never call or email again and she never wants to see me again.

 

I would do damn near anything to make this woman happy...I love her. But I fear I may have lost her. I'm really concerned for her welfare and future, even if that doesn't include me. Someone please help me. Does she suffer from OCD or another disorder. How can I help her. Should I attempt to contact her or her family about this. I'm beside myself wondering what to do.

 

Thanks

[Chemar]

Hi

 

although what you have described does sound like some OCD tendencies, she would need to see a qualified professional to receive an accurate diagnosis

 

if she is serious about breaking off the relationship, then there isnt much you can do....but if you do get back together you may want to suggest her seeing her doctor for an evaluation, altho I am not sure how she would react to the suggestion if she tends to be hypersensitive, as you have indicated. If it makes her feel more comfortable, maybe suggest the two of you go for couples counseling to work thru these issues and from there hopefully she will agree to see her doctor for referral

 

there are medications and natural ways to treat OCD, including the very helpful Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

 

here is some helpful information on OCD

http://www.latitudes.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=1963

 

I hope things work out for you

Edited April 3, 2010 by Chemar
adding link

[Guest asaxon]

I'm soliciting any relevant advice or help. In January, I began a relationship with a wonderful woman (I'm 56 and she's 45). She is originally from South America and struggles a bit with English, so communication has it's hurdles. I believe she may be plagued by OCD or perhaps a similar personality disorder and it appears our relationship is in jeopardy or over. I should note, she also struggles with sleep apnea but will not wear the mask. I'm not very knowledgeable about these problems, so, I failed to recognize symptoms early in our relationship. I'm praying someone here can steer me in the right direction. This is what I've seen/experienced.

 

She is fanatical about cleanliness. I've seen her repeatedly mop her kitchen floor and it's spotless to start. She cleans her condo and that's spotless to start. She does laundry almost constantly when home, even though only she and her 23 year old son reside in the condo. Both have extensive wardrobes, so they're not running short of clean clothes or linens. About a month ago, and it was this day I began to suspect something was awry, I accompanied her into New York City (Manhattan...she works there & resides in NJ). We took the bus from her home to Manhattan, then the subway uptown to the theater district near her job. She instructed my not to touch any door handles, escalator hand railings, subway hand rails, etc., because they were dirty and germ laden. When I would touch any of these public items, she would pull a tube of anti-bacterial lotion from her purse and insist on squirting some on my hands. This same day, she showered before leaving in the morning for NYC, she showered 5 hours later upon returning home because "the city is dirty". About an hour later, we took her dog to Newark to stay at her brothers for a couple days. When we returned to her place about an hour later, she showered again because "the air was dirty". A week later, we took 3 of her comforters to the laundromat to wash them. She washed her hands 3 or 4 times while there, and repeated the same when we returned 45 minutes later to dry the linens. We returned after another 45 minutes to remove the comforters from the dryers and again she washed repeatedly. She would insist I showered and shaved before going to bed with her even if I had done so just hours before.

 

She was anxious to move quickly at the start of our relationship. Within 3 or 4 weeks, we went for a get-away weekend and were sexually active from that point. I would spend 3 days and nights per week at her home from this point on. But she seems to have sexual hangups which she passes off as shyness or being "old fashioned". She does not like to remove her nightie/underwear/lingerie until immediately before intercourse and most often she dresses within minutes of climax. She does not like to touch my penis and rarely does so. Oral sex is out of the question, either for her or me. She has unreasonable fears I would defecate in her bed. All of us pass gas at times in bed. Yet if I did so, she would throw the blankets aside and check to see if I had defecated in the bed. The more we became involved romantically and sexually the more she expressed concerns about "moving too fast", yet, it was usually she who desired that pace. As time went on, she would be very caring and affectionate, but in very short order, she would tell me to find someone else.

 

She also has what I believe is an unusual obsession with orderliness. In her bedroom, she's fanatical about ordeliness in her closet. Everything must be in a certain place. She folds her bras and panties just like they come out of the package and then each undergarment has it's special place in the rows of undergarments in her drawers. When we would watch TV in her living room, if I left the remote on the couch, she would get up and place it on the TV stand, even if I would change channels again within minutes. When I enter her home, if I remove my coat and shoes, she immediately places them in the closet, even though I would do the same within minutes.

 

The last month, our relationship has become very stormy. She has exhibited frequent 180 degree mood swings and has threatened to end our relationship (throughout our time together, she was extremely worried I would be the one to leave her).

We had planned to spend Easter weekend together, but yesterday, she emailed me and said she was flying to South America to be with her family for the holiday (unknown to me at the time, this was an April Fool joke on her part. She had no such plans). I replied that I was very happy she would be seeing her family and told her to have a wonderful time. I stated her trip was probably a good thing because I had suffered from a very painful dental problem all week and our Easter weekend was questionable. Within minutes, she phoned to tell me our relationship was over, that I didn't care for her, that we lived too far apart (100 miles). She was completely unhinged and I couldn't get a word in let alone reason with her. I emailed her last night and asked her to reconsider, to think about the many wonderful and loving times we had together. I told her I loved her very much (I do). But this morning she called and told me to never call or email again and she never wants to see me again.

 

I would do damn near anything to make this woman happy...I love her. But I fear I may have lost her. I'm really concerned for her welfare and future, even if that doesn't include me. Someone please help me. Does she suffer from OCD or another disorder. How can I help her. Should I attempt to contact her or her family about this. I'm beside myself wondering what to do.

 

Thanks

 

 

Fatboy, I'm not a psychologist but I'm educated professional whose child has OCD, and I've studied the subject quite a bit. It sounds like your girlfriend has fairly severe OCD. One of the hallmarks of OCD is that it often "waxes and wanes" over periods of months or years. She might benefit greatly from medication and *specialized* therapy, but first she'll have to recognize that she has a problem. Good luck.