how much abuse can a parent take?

[ajcire]

I agree about the ABA... that it is good for things that they can actually control but if something has taken them over and it's out of their hands.... Before I got my teaching job I was an assistant in an ABA run class. I had mixed feelings on it but it definitely served a purpose with the kids I was working with..they were 4-5. In my particular case with the behaviors I am dealing with I don't think there is any way ABA would work for us. A meltdown for us is a meltdown and there is just no working with it.

 

When I got my teaching position it was for much older kids. I didn't use ABA formally but sure it came in handy at times and I indirectly find myself using it with my 2 year old at times as well.

 

Applied Behavior Analysis. It worked for things Allie actually had control over, but didn't help at all with ragey meltdowns/aggression/obsessions. Her school 2007-last spring was an ABA school...by the end of last year, the behavior specialist informed me that ABA is not working for my child-they've been "through the book"-twice, so I should take her to the psychiatrist to get some help with that (actually the school hires a non staff "consultant" for that, since its not legal for them to do it). They wanted to talk with her psychiatrist- but I would not allow it. We had tried several psych meds during those 2 years, even the holy risperdal. She's at a different school this year.

Anyway, what I've heard from others in the autism community is that when the kids are very young, 3-6 years old, it seems somewhat effective...but older than that seems to be mixed results. Many adult autistics are very critical of it and report that they felt demeaned and manipulated by it.

But, if you are seeing positive results- and since you are post IVIG, it may just be a matter of restoring regular expectations and consequences again- they can help you be systematic about that. But I think when kids are in exacerbation it can make things worse as you insist they get control of things they just can't.

[mom md]

I think this is the hardest to manage. I can't believe how many rude and disrepectal comments are made each day. Despite the disease though I feel I have to reprimand him and point out that that behavior will not be tolerated. Often it makes him angrier, but I have to let my other two see that I remain consistent with not tolerating it. My best technique is just to send him to his room. It removes him from the situation (and from me) and allows him a peaceful place to wind down. Often he re-emerges later acting as if nothing has happened. For the 4 months post-PEX when we were briefly cured we did not have ONE cross word spoken. I have to continue to remind myself it is the disease talking and not him. I also have found taking several deep breaths slowly before I respond helps.

[MomWithOCDSon]

I think this is the hardest to manage. I can't believe how many rude and disrepectal comments are made each day. Despite the disease though I feel I have to reprimand him and point out that that behavior will not be tolerated. Often it makes him angrier, but I have to let my other two see that I remain consistent with not tolerating it. My best technique is just to send him to his room. It removes him from the situation (and from me) and allows him a peaceful place to wind down. Often he re-emerges later acting as if nothing has happened. For the 4 months post-PEX when we were briefly cured we did not have ONE cross word spoken. I have to continue to remind myself it is the disease talking and not him. I also have found taking several deep breaths slowly before I respond helps.

 

We have a very similar way of working in our house. Having "grown up" with what was originally identified as old-school OCD in our house, cognitive behavioral therapy very early on encouraged the parents to separate the behaviors from the child himself (blame the OCD, not the kid). As a young boy, our son even "named" the OCD and would express how this alter-ego was trying to pester him, prevent him from doing certain things, incurring thoughts, etc. So we would respond in turn, telling him that when he (the son) was in charge again over the OCD, then we could have a meaningful conversation, but we weren't going to be manipulated by the OCD, etc. It has stood us well in all the subsequent years, excepting the major meltdowns during which there's absolutely no talking with either the son OR the OCD!

 

If you've ever tuned into one of the "Obsessed" episodes on A&E, it reminds me again of one of the mantras spoken there frequently, and we've been known to speak it at home now that our son is older: I realize you can't control the thoughts, but you CAN control the behavior! Especially with older kids, I like the accountability of that overall. Again, during the meltdown itself, he's probably completely out of control. But once it subsides and you can talk through it, then it seems like the right thing to do, expecting some accountability for control.

[asatwice]

we are in the middle of a recurrence as well. yesterday i feel like all i did was yell "stop it! what are you doing? look at my face--don't do that!" about a thousand times, and i feel like just about the worst parent in the world today...the only saving grace was that my husband had the day off and was actually here to see it--his schedule usually doesn't permit that. we tried TV, which failed yesterday; today we are trying video games (something we don't normally do) and sledding. also, we started him on a course of antibiotics last night (husband is a medical scientist)--we have given up completely on getting strep tests at this point.

 

i'm so sorry that you're suffering right now, but please know that you are not alone.