My Anti-neural anti-body titers

[MichaelTampa]

Boy, that is a tough question, and I would like a time out once I'm done doing my best to answer it.

 

First of all, I want to say that the dynamics are very different for me. A lot of the time in my relationships where this might occur (whether we're talking family or work or whatever), I'm in a much more dominant position than a child is. Poor children are always being told what to do and what not to do.

 

I sometimes have the attacks of rage, and I think, less occasionally the attacks of irrationality. Perhaps there are situations where there are both, and maybe in some way a person could look at them as the same. For example, is it irrationality when you're not in control and just being told the bad news or given the demand you don't like. And then, is it rage when you're in control and can do whatever you like. The more I type it, the more I like that story.

 

I think as I look back at, yes, I absolutely did know I was being irrational when I was being irrational. But I was so distraught about what I was hearing that I had to make it sound like it was such a big deal, I had to make the person understand my pain, I had to and I had no control and I couldn't help it. This actually happened a few months ago on the long trip back from Dr. Sims, was so upset that my wife passed up the one hotel set of exits (she wanted to go further that night), and then we were having trouble finding an acceptable one where she did come off (only after I finally whined enough), that I got so upset I said (by "said", I probably mean something more like "screamed like a person who had just totally lost touch with reality and reasoning") that we would need to go back to the hotel we stayed at during the way up to see Dr. Sims (an hour on the highway in the complete other direction that we had just passed). Following that, I lost all bargaining power for the rest of the night as she kind of decided she couldn't count on me to be rational. And yet, if I was driving I would not have driven back an hour, but I said it like I really believed we should, and I knew that was a bad idea, one I didn't even like, but I had to say it, I had no control. I think I said it internally first and did not know it was irrational then, and then shouted it out, and then knew it was irrational. So, there was a very short period where I didn't know it was irrational. I think this has a moral component to it, like we needed to do that to correct whatever wrong was done (as I perceived it, by skipping the exit I wanted). Gosh, though, I'd be really careful calling somebody on that. The poor person really just wants to be heard. The best thing she could have said right there was, "I'm so sorry, you must be feeling so tired, I'm sorry we're in this position we're in now, I'll do my best to [get you a hotel that you will find acceptable][generally--make the situation as bearable for you as I can].

 

I have had rage attacks where I have done physical violence (people, things, you name it), and it has happened so fast that I didn't realize it was wrong until I did it, I was just that mad, they deserved it, or whatever. There have been some times where I have had rage attacks and done physical violence on things where I did realize it was wrong before I did it, but I did it anyway, it is a difficult question to ask whether I could have stopped it. Would some say the fact that I didn't stop it mean that I couldn't stop it? I was too mad to care about right and wrong, and I cognitively knew it was just a thing and it wouldn't be too bad, heck, it could be replaced/fixed.

 

I did have a long-lasting rage attack once where a big bully threw a ball at me and hit me, and I rode my bike back to get a knife to show him he shouldn't do that. I met up with someone along the way who kind of gave me the "hmmm, you sure you want to do that", and I said, "yes, he shouldn't do that". And I did go back and confront the bully with the knife. At some point, during those 20-30 minutes of rage between the ball-hitting and the knife-bully-confronting, I absolutely became aware of the idea that this could be very harmful for me. I'm not sure I considered it irrational. I give more weight to what is moral than most, and that was an example of that situation, the bully must understand, the bully should not do that, and so on. I think the psychologists and psychiatrists would say that is part of the OCD that is part of PANDAS. So, in the end, with the rage, I still "knew" I was doing the right thing, the situation deserved it, and that was that.

 

These are all examples, there are others, but I think the mechanics (for me, anyway) are all really the same. Hope that helps.

 

Michael

[ajcire]

Michael, thanks for taking the time to try to explain it. What you are saying actually is making a lot of sense. I really need to rethink some of how I am coping with my ds when he is this way. Fortunately he is not phsyically aggressive but there have been a couple times right at the onset of an episode where his initial reaction was to swing or push at me. I imagine it took a lot of energy for him to stop himself at those moments but he did. If I ask my son if he has control over how he is acting he says yes but he is only 7 and I am not really sure if he understands what I am asking him.