intrusive thoughts of hurting child

[jjortiz]

Ok. Here is my issue. I know for a couple of years i have anxiety, but i always droped of the meds and tried dealing without them. In any case I have some charactaristics of OCD, Anixitey, Depression. About 2 months ago i started to get scared because my girlfriend was going back to work and i did not want to leave my child, my girlfriend told me that she would cover everything if i watched the baby. I told her that i could not because of my child support. In anycase it was hard to cope with me dropping off my son at the babysitter. It took some time, but i got it done.

 

After that was all over i started to think about my son being dead and how i would feel and it would come and go. There has been many cases on tv lately about and i would feel very sad and just moved on. I then started to think what i would do if this happened to me. If i lost my head and harmed my son. I could not imagine the idea and try just forgetting it.It would go away but then it would come back when i was changing him or playing him or just watching him sleep. About a week ago today My Girlfriend started school and i picked up her daughter and my son. We came home and i started to cook dinner. My son was in the kitchen on the bouncer and he was smiling. I was chopping lettuce and all of a sudden i saw the knife through him. It was a horrid image which made me drop the knife and pick up my son. I took him to the room and could not cry or anything. I just placed him in my arms and started to talk to him and fell really down. He fell asleep and i started to look at the clock wondering what time my girlfriend would be home. In any case she came home and i was so reliefed I handed her the baby and i went to the kitchen to see what had happened. It was so hard for me to finish dinner that night. We ate dinner and i did not know what the ###### to do. I did not sleep much that night. Then next day i went to work and i could not work. My girlfriend stayed home the next day and i had been planning all week to go home and you know "do it". Our sex life after the baby has been hard but i understand. So I could not explrain this image. What did i do. I went to my mothers house (They are on vacation). So i tried drinking a beer and it did not calm me down. My niece was home so i decided to reach out. It had been almost 24 hrs since it happened that i could not take it no more. She started to try and council me, but she just ended up looking for some numbers for me to talk to someone. So i left to go home and i called my girlfriend. I had to tell her. She thanked me for it. I told her my job was to protect them and that i was probably going to be in my mothers. That i was afraid to go home. So she said bring your brother over and we will figure it out. Icalled my brother but he was busy. IN any case i came home and she said listen you have some xanax from last time take some and go to sleep in the couch. Tomorrow we will seek help.

 

So i did and everything worked out fine. The images would not stop so i would not want to get close to the baby. I could not get any help till tuesday and i went to see a therapist that made me laugh cry and depressed all in 45 minutes. Then that same night i saw a pyhciatrist and he was very dry. I was giving anafranil and risperdal. The medication seem to be working yesterday I had such a good trip up to connecticut with my brother. We were picking up a car, but on the way down i felt lonely felt like giving up. I kept telling myself you have to try at least for my kids. I have always been the on that helps everyone in the family and i am worried about my girlfriend going with the flow and letting me go. She has always been very sincere, but i want for to be happy. I told her if she wanted me to leave that i would leave. She said we have to learn to live with it.

 

My brother has a medical issue so he decided he had to go home and get some meds. He was a little shy because he got diareah. So he also went to do his buiness. Now i laid down with my girlfriend and had a great time watching "Everyone loves Raymond". My brother then called and said he was staying home and too call him if i needed him. I told him k. Then i told my Girlfriend and i saw in her eye she was a little worried. In any case i took the before bedtime pill and fell asleep. My brother called and told me he was comeng back. So when he got here he explained and i started to feel better, just that i could not go back to sleep. In any case i did all my morning duties and i felt good, but then i got these weird feelings of pure anxiety now. This has started with the new medication. I know there are side effects. For example right now i feel good, but i feel tingly in my arms. I am going to tell my therapist today.

 

I need support. I feel like my appointment is never going to come. Has anyone ever had this issue? Not a common issue i guess

[Chemar]

Hi

I am glad you are seeing a therapist to help you with these very disturbing thoughts

 

I would also like to recommend the online community at PsychCentral.com http://forums.psychcentral.com/

 

they are a very active and caring community, with a resident psychologist as admin, who also does live interactive chats every Friday afternoon