Hey can someone PLEASE help me?

[anonymous915]

First of all, I'm 14 (yeah, I know) and I'm a girl with a desperate need of help. One day, because I got so tired of having unwanted sexual thoughts, I decided to go online and do something that will take my mind off of them. There was this survey I was taking (just for the heck of it) that would decide if I had a disorder of some kind, not that I knew anything about any disorder I was just doing it for fun. After I finished the survey, I got Obsessive-compulsive disorder. I was a little curious about it so I want on wikipedia.org and typed the name of the disorder. When I started reading the symtoms I had about 90% of them, especially the fear of being bi/lesbian because I started having unwanted sexual thoughts about 3 weeks ago. I have the following symptoms:

 

I count my steps sometimes, like I tell myself, I'm going to take 5 steps to the front door of my house for no apparent reason.

 

I try to "cancel out" bad thoughts, like when I'm thinking of myself being with another female (which is disgusting to me but I still have the thought) I try to think of something that I want to think about (like something that makes me happy) to cancel out my first thought.

 

An example of the next symptom is: if I'm in my room, I tell myself that I have to hold my breath until I reach the kitchen because if I don't something will happen to me.

So basically I try to complete a task that will prevent something bad from happening and that if I can complete the task something that I want to happen will happen, like if I can do 3 cartweels perfectly then I'm going to pass a test at school.

 

Unwanted sexual thoughts, they have been technically taking over my life. i don't let myself go to the beach because I will feel like a lesbian if I'm around girls with bathing suits, I don't listen to music that is sung by female artists, I don't like watching movies with female actresses in them, I don't talk to my friends because a disgusting thought will come up like "Oh my gosh, do I like her?" when I know that I don't. So, I don't go out often, I try to hang out with guys only and I'm just scared of being bi or a lesbian even though I have never liked a girl before.

 

A need for both sides of the body to feel even. Like if I'm walking down the street and I step on a sidewalk crack with my right foot, I want to step on a crack with my left foot too, just because I want both sides to be even. Or when I crack my knuckles on my left hand, I feel like I need to do it on my right hand too or else it will really bother me.

 

I'm also doing things by three's, like the cartwheel one I stated above. Before I thought I was doing them because it was my favorite number but now it's gotten out of hand.

 

I sometimes feel like I need to wash my hands for no reason, and I hate touching a door knob because I don't want my hand to smell like metal and touch the germs other people have left there. And when I take a shower I say to myself that "I wash away my gayness" since I have unwanted sexual thoughts.

 

And I just can't stop thinking about these sexual thoughts, even though I don't feel that way, they're still there. I've done everything I could to not think about them but I still do and it's disgusting. I also connect everything that happens in life to my problem. Like if someone comes up and tells me 'I really like that movie', I would automatically think to myself 'I'd like it too if there weren't actresses in it'.

 

And I also might have Tourette syndrome because I have tics, sudden movements that come out of the blue and they're unnecessary.

 

I also think I have Compulsive skin picking because I love picking my scalp, lips, back and whatever I can find almost ALL THE TIME and most of the time I don't realize I'm doing it until about 15 minutes

 

And another disorder I might have that is related to Obsessive Compulsive disorder is Body dysmorphic disorder. i think i'm SO ugly and think that ugly people look better than me. I'm too shy to go buy something because the cashier will think I'm ugly. I'm too shy to be in pictures because I always hate my looks. I think that everyone is looking at me and saying "Damn, she's ugly"

 

I sometimes have to slap myself hard in the face to snap out of it, to stop being so obsessed with things

 

So can anyone help me?

 

I almost killed myself once because i don't want to live like this, even though it's not severe like some other people because I can control all my obsessions....with the exception of the unwanted sexual thoughts

 

Do I have OCD?

[Chemar]

hello

it does sound like you may have OCD. But also, I sense that you may really need someone to talk to about all this. Do you feel comfortable telling your mom some of this and maybe asking for her to make an appointment for you to see a trustworthy therapist/counsellor who has experience with teens and OCD

 

There is something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that can be very helpful

 

Although there are medications that can help with OCD, they do have the risk of pretty serious side effects, especially in young people and so you may want to ask your mom or the therapist about 5HTP and Inositol, both of which are over the counter supplements available in health stores that can help to balance your serotonin levels. Serotonin is known to be deficient in OCD

 

I do hope you will talk to an adult that you can trust and who will assist you in finding help for this, so that you can be liberated to enjoy life

 

stay in touch here too as it is good to have a place where you can vent, or ask questions etc freely

[anonymous915]

Thanks for replying. I wanted to tell my mom but what if she thinks I'm weird? Because I used to have another obsession that I got through. I always used to tell my mom that I was going to die, I told her that everyday and she thought I was crazy until I stopped

 

Do you need insurance to go see a therapist? Because we don't have insurance since we're not citizens of the US yet. We've only been here for 4 years.

 

Also, does this mean that I'm bi/lesbian because I really don't want to be and sometimes cry about having these disgusting thoughts

[Chemar]

Hi

I really do think you have to talk to your mom about this. You can explain to her that you have been researching OCD and believe youhave it. You can then also let her know that the thoughts and fears etc that people with OCD have are not always based on reality or logic and so she will understand. Many of the world's most brilliant and successful people have had OCD so it isnt anything to be ashamed of. It is neurological and based on a chemical imbalance which can be helped.

 

Also, please dont fret about sexual orientation. This is very likely related to the OCD and with treatment you will hopefully feel more at peace about things

 

You dont require insurance to see a therapist but you would have to pay. Your local community health services may be able to assist you in finding someone at lower cost to you. Also, depending on your income, there are insurance plans for children and teens that may be of benefit to you and you do not need to be a citizen to obtain insurance, just a legal resident.

 

Please do try to find help........it is so counter productive for you to have to suffer when there are ways to assist you. If your mom is open to joining this forum, you can have her contact me and I can try to give some info to her.

[Dobian]

I have OCD, and do a similar thing with the breathing. I'll hold my breath in elevators, and sometimes actually expel all the "bad" air from my lungs and don't breath until I get out. I have a habit of banging my glass down onto the table, or grind it into the table, before lifting it to drink. I often need to reach out and touch the thing that is just at the corner of my eyesight. Yes, you have some OCD behaviors. Do talk to your mom. It's important not to keep things like that bottled up inside.

[anonymous915]

I always do the breathing thing, sometimes I just do it for no reason, not only to not think about my obsessions, but because it will bother me if I don't do it

 

Well I still haven't talked to my mom about it, it's really hard, I really want to tell her but something won't let me.

 

And I'm really really worried about my sexual orientation. I cry everyday because of it. What if i don't have OCD and I really am bi? What if I'm bi and don't know it?

 

I'm going to try telling my mom. I'm going to start asking her a question like "Mom, have you ever completed a task just to got something off your mind?" and will continue with questions until I tell her. I hope it works, but I have to find the right time where I am comfortable with telling her. I'll post again after I have told her *cries*

 

By the way, I feel uncomfortable talking to my mom about it, I'm scared that I'll be even more uncomfortable talking about it to the therapist (especially if it's a female because I'll start thinking disgusting things and feel gay). What have I done to myself?

[Dobian]

You need to love yourself and and not judge yourself, because you have done nothing wrong. I have lived with Tourette's and OCD for well over thirty years, and can tell you that guilt and shame are things I had to overcome. You are who you are and have nothing to apologize for, regardless if you have OCD, and regardless of your orientation. You need to open up to your mother first. Then you can start thinking about appropriate therapy.

[nell]

Hi, im a 17 and a girl and i feel i have very similar problems to you, it was nice to read what you had writen it didnt make me feel so alone and wierd!

 

Ive had OCD since i was about 13/14 I always have to wash my hands, touch walls, turn lights switches on and off.. theres loads of things. I also get unwanted thoughts of girls in my head, and i worry all the time that people might think im a lesbian or i may say something by mistake that people could think i am or fancy a girl. Thr truth is though im beginging to think i am Bi, i dont want to be but i think i just feel more comfortable with girls.

 

Im pretty sure i also have body dismorphic disorder - it sounds wierd but it depends on the kind of lighting im in, it can either make me feel really pretty and better than everyone else, or really really ugly and discusting. I used to love going shopping but over the last year vie dreaded it more and more i hate the lighting in the changing rooms! All the the girls at the cashier are always so pretty, and i also dont like paying because i think they will think im ugly. I hate my face and my overbite - ive been told i will ned an operation on my jaw, so i figuered it must be really bad!! I also hate my nose its too big and also im only a tiny size (UK) 6 i dont like my body, its actualy to skinny and i look like a 12 year ol, although i do feel my hips are far to big and not in proportiton. People tell me im pretty and could be a model but i dont believe them i jsut feel there saying that to make me feel better and shut up.

 

I also find it hard to leave the house unless i feel as happy as i can be about the way i look, and my make-up, clothes look perfect, or else ill spent the day worrying aobut the way i look.

 

Ive thought quite a few times too about killing myself, i hate living like this i jsut wish i could be normal.

 

Would be realy great to hear back from you

[wowowow]

IF YOU HAVE OCD MAKE SURE YOU READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS THE CURE!!!!!

 

 

the solution to ocd is very simple, but hard to do, well its not that hard to do, it is do able. STOP DOING WHAT EVER MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER. What ever makes you feel releieved and good, stop doing it. That is the thing which is ruining your life. To be honest i didnt even bother reading any of the posts because as far as ocd goes its the same cure. What ever your sympton you will feel uncomfortable feelings, what youve got to do is sit with the discomfort if it says your contaminated and you need to do this. Just sit there and listen to the ocd telling you youve been contaminated and feel the horrible feelings. Instead of getting rid of the fear by doing compulsions or sitting there trying to convince yourself the thought s are not true. Just sit with the intrusive thoughts. Let them tell you you are comtaminated, when the uncomfortable feelings get really bad ASK FOR MORE. Say i can take these feelings all day these are nothing feel the horrible dread and disturbing feelings and just sit with them. Then and only then will they subside gradually each time the feelings arise they will be less painful and it wil get a lot easier to do this process untill they gradually disintegrate into nothing. And it wont be that gradual things start to get better quite fast.

 

The most important thing to remember is this STOP TRYING TO ACHEIVE THAT RELEIVED AND PEACEFUL FEELING. You know the one when youve done your compulsions or when you are fully convinced that your worries are not true. I know from myself that this feeling FEELS BRILLIANT.

But it is the thing that is ruining your life.

All ocd is is these EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS. But that is all they are HORRIBLE FEELINGS. WHen that voice in your head says THERE REAL, FOR YOU THEY ARE REAL. Sit with the feelings feel the horrible feelings inside yourself. DONT TRY AND CONVINCE YOURSELF THEY ARE NOT REAL. Just let them tell you what ever they want. Let them make you feel as bad as they want. Dont look for a way out to feel relieved.

Just allow yourself to be filled with dread and fear. Allow the horrible feelings to stay aslong as they want. MAKE NO ATTEMPT TO RELIEVE YOURSELF FROM THEM.

 

Ok so ive probably just repeated the same thing again and again. Im not sure if i have because im not going to bother reading what ive written because im too tired and conat be bothered. But i hope i have got my point across very clearly. Because i have given the solution to your problem if you have ocd.

 

In doing what ive said the painful feelings will go away. At first the feelings will return regurlary and catch you in your weacker moments, just go through the whole process of just sitting with and feeling the uncomfortable feelings again. The gaps between when the feelings return will increase.

Until they stop coming altogether as they have to power over you, as you will become desensitized to the uncomofortable feelings your obsesive thoughts give you.

They will however probably return in the future. ie. In a few months or weeks and you will then just go through the same process until they go.

 

If there is anything anyone dosent understand then just ask and i will reply.

 

 

 

can people post this on any other websites they are memebers of to do with ocd. unfortunatly i probably wont end up replying to any of their questions.

[Guest]

anonymous915,

 

I usually post on another part of the latitudes forum, but I came across your post and wanted to check and see how your doing. Have you talked to your mom about this yet? If your still having trouble discussing this with her, do you have anyone that your very close to that you could tell first and that person could help you talk to your mom about it? Maybe a teacher, school counselor, friend, etc.? Maybe if you have someone else to help you talk to her it would be easier. What about writing about it in a letter to your mom? For me I can keep things in for a very long time, but writing makes it much easier for me to get things out. Holding things in is really hard on you.

 

Carolyn