Feeling guilty

[galen]

When I was diagnosed with OCD and experienced its worst manifestations, (I've seen that some people here are not sharing their disease with their family members b/c they don't want to hurt them), but I, on the contrary, felt compelled to share everything with my mother, and I drove her insane with it, accusing myself of committing hideous crimes and demanding Mom believe and forgive me - while she was struggling to convince me that I was making those stories up and they were not actually happening. It was a shock and great pain for her - even though I've had various OCD-related symptoms following a childhood trauma, it was never officially diagnosed until that time - and it was precisely then that she discovered a breast lump, which turned out to be cancer, but not age-related (not hormonal) and not hereditary (she had no family history of cancer whatsoever), a form doctors found incurable. She kept telling me during our fights (she got desperate and even kicked me out of the house once when she could take no more of my insanity - I'm an only child btw, was very close to mom and very good and obedient until OCD hit its hardest) - she kept saying "you'll drive me to my grave, your behaviour will kill me". Mom passed away from her cancer almost a month ago, and I cannot forgive myself - I firmly believe it's my fault, my illness and especially behaviour during the illness that caused her incurable cancer and her death.

 

a) Do you agree it was my fault? How can I cope and live on?

[Chemar]

dear galen

 

I am so sorry that you are having to go through the pain of your mom's death as well as the added guilt you feel.

 

Honestly, I do NOT think your behaviour caused your mom's cancer. yes, the stress of it all may have aggravated things, but not caused it.

 

Above all, if you have such intense OCD, it is you who right now deserve care and attention as, nomatter what you may or may not have said and done, if you have OCD, it is not your "fault". It is an illness caused by a serious chemical imbalance and if it is that severe for you it needs treatment.

 

There are precription meds for OCD but unfortunately many of them do have unpleasant side effects. Nevertheless, for some people they have been literally life savers, despite the side effects.

 

Personally, I prefer the natural approach as I have seen how supplements like 5HTP and samE as well as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) turned my son's serious OCD into an almost non-existant factor in his life. ( He has Tourette Syndrome too, so his natural treatment was a multi faceted one)

 

I dont know if you are a person of faith, but if you are, I would really hope that you will spend time before God so that you can receive His loving help to forgive yourself. The greatest honor you could give to your mother's memory is to become a whole person yourself and not to be tormented this way anymore. Perhaps there is a caring person in your faith that you could go to talk to?

If you dont have a belief system, I would still urge you to genuinely forgive yourself for your mother's death, galen. You have an illness. Your behaviour was/is related to that illness and was a cry for help from you. PLEASE let this burden go....and I do hope you will find a treatment that can help with the OCD

[galen]

Thanks, Chemar. You obviously have to put up with a lot b/c of your son's illness. But at least he's not terrorizing you with his obsessions! Are there any other mothers/relatives/spouses/caregivers here, who've been thru what my mom had with me - being driven out of their minds and their will to live??

 

I've just tested it - I tried expressing my grief to an ex, manifesting aggression - and they just shut me out, refused to talk to me, blocked me! Mom couldn't do it. So is it really true what I say?????????!!!!!!!!!!!

[Chemar]

galen, I dont like to go into detail about things personal to my son , but I can assure you that when his OCD was severe...it was VERY severe and he told me everything and more than a mother would ever want to hear, and some of his actions were very scary too, so that I feared for his safety. It tore me up inside to realise he was suffering this way and, although I wouldnt use the word "terrorize" as to how I felt....I spent many days distraught and in tears, and I was personally very depressed at what was happening, and at times very afraid for my son.

 

But

I recognised that it was the OCD speaking and fuelling the actions, not my son, and that he needed help.

 

That is the point I am making

 

Not that I dont understand that your mother went thru agony because of what you were saying and doing

but that it was fueled by your illness, and as such, you needed then, and possibly still need now, to have professional care to help you overcome this.

 

And now that my son's OCD has diminished to almost nothing, thanks to the supplements and cognitive behavioral therapy, I am so thankful to see him living a full and happy life, no longer being tormented by thoughts and fears and actions that were driven by a chemical imbalance.

 

That is my hope for you too.

[galen]

Thank you, Chemar. You are very wise. Sorry if I sounded aggressive or touched a subject I shouldn't have. Guess it's really time for me to grow up. I greatly appreciate your help and support and send my best wishes to your son.

[galen]

Sorry, made this post by accident! Is there a way to delete posts?