Help with Public School

[MIAS_MOM]

My dd has stopped taking her medicines this last week, (because she refuses.) We go through these periods, but since Sunday he has been in crisis mode and we already have HORRIBLE days getting her to school on a "good day." She has a 504 plan and all the staff are GREAT with giving her whatever it takes to get her through the day. She has been "spinning her wheels" since 3rd grade, now in 5th, not able to absorb new learning, but pushed through because of the "No child left behind act." Next year we will start fresh at a private catholic school with only 4 students in her class, so lots of one on one and less stress, until then, we have 15 more days of school left, already did T cap testing, SOOO my question is, since I have to CARRY her into school crying and fighting me, only to make it to the class room late, and she just stands in a spot until our wonderful teacher can get her to settledown enough to get her at her desk, then I leave crying before I can make it out of public's view, Should we just stop for now? She is not learning, She has such severe anxiety it makes her sick, Can I just take her out now, and still be able to start 6th grade next year on a bette note? Some days she might be able to go with little trouble, but most days are sooo much, it doesnt make up for the good ? I dont think I can compose my stress level in public anymore, and that is not who I am, I'm always the strong one helping others, I'm losing it and others are noticing, such an embarresment on my part, ( not that I need to worry about me, but if I'm not holding together, neither can she)

[Doug]

My dd has stopped taking her medicines this last week, (because she refuses.) We go through these periods, but since Sunday he has been in crisis mode and we already have HORRIBLE days getting her to school on a "good day." She has a 504 plan and all the staff are GREAT with giving her whatever it takes to get her through the day. She has been "spinning her wheels" since 3rd grade, now in 5th, not able to absorb new learning, but pushed through because of the "No child left behind act." Next year we will start fresh at a private catholic school with only 4 students in her class, so lots of one on one and less stress, until then, we have 15 more days of school left, already did T cap testing, SOOO my question is, since I have to CARRY her into school crying and fighting me, only to make it to the class room late, and she just stands in a spot until our wonderful teacher can get her to settledown enough to get her at her desk, then I leave crying before I can make it out of public's view, Should we just stop for now? She is not learning, She has such severe anxiety it makes her sick, Can I just take her out now, and still be able to start 6th grade next year on a bette note? Some days she might be able to go with little trouble, but most days are sooo much, it doesnt make up for the good ? I dont think I can compose my stress level in public anymore, and that is not who I am, I'm always the strong one helping others, I'm losing it and others are noticing, such an embarresment on my part, ( not that I need to worry about me, but if I'm not holding together, neither can she)

[Doug]

If you can make it work for you to pull her out

I would for sure.

Tracie

[peglem]

I'd talk to the school about pulling her out. She's not learning anyway. Do you have attendance accommodations in her 504? Maybe just call her in sick for the rest of the year, or they could send work for her to do at home. Really, what's the point of you and her (and her classmates) going through this everyday?

Edited May 3, 2011 by peglem

[LNN]

I think the more concerning question is why is she refusing to take meds? Without meds, things could continue to spiral, regardless of the setting. Are you using any ERP/CBT tools? What's driving the situation?

[MIAS_MOM]

peglem, we at the time didnt add attendance accommodations to her plan, no one mentioned that to me, and that should have been done, since she misses so many days because she cant get out the front door on some mornings, that just unfortunalty got looked over and I didnt think of it. We could try some work at home, but almost bet its not gonna happen because of her severe ODD with me and her dad. But might be worth a try, she has "no homework" on her plan bc she was not able to sit and do it, even with me writting the answer's or just verbally reading the things she was suppose to write. Last night she could only read to me 3 vocabulary words and deffinitions before "blowing up" and the other kids had to write all 30 on paper. She's gone backward to almost a 2nd grade level from 5th.

LLM, She refuses her medications (just sometimes) bc she says they are BAD, meaning like not good for her body and brain, and doesn't want to take them.

She has periods when "medications" are part of her bad things, such as germs, and not gettin her ocd's right. We currently do not have CBT therapy in our state, just like the absence of ANYONE knowng about pandas, she is however in behavioral therapy with a great therapist 1 hr away we see every month, But Mia has her as a "bad" thing as well and will not participate or communicate at all with her, and we've seen her for almost 2 yrs! As far as whats driving te situation,,,,ANXIETY !!!,,,PHOBIA's !!! She is on some meications to help with these, but they are the devil of her problem. I guess i should call an emergent meeting with the 504 team ?

[peglem]

peglem, we at the time didnt add attendance accommodations to her plan, no one mentioned that to me, and that should have been done, since she misses so many days because she cant get out the front door on some mornings, that just unfortunalty got looked over and I didnt think of it. We could try some work at home, but almost bet its not gonna happen because of her severe ODD with me and her dad. But might be worth a try, she has "no homework" on her plan bc she was not able to sit and do it, even with me writting the answer's or just verbally reading the things she was suppose to write. Last night she could only read to me 3 vocabulary words and deffinitions before "blowing up" and the other kids had to write all 30 on paper. She's gone backward to almost a 2nd grade level from 5th.

LLM, She refuses her medications (just sometimes) bc she says they are BAD, meaning like not good for her body and brain, and doesn't want to take them.

She has periods when "medications" are part of her bad things, such as germs, and not gettin her ocd's right. We currently do not have CBT therapy in our state, just like the absence of ANYONE knowng about pandas, she is however in behavioral therapy with a great therapist 1 hr away we see every month, But Mia has her as a "bad" thing as well and will not participate or communicate at all with her, and we've seen her for almost 2 yrs! As far as whats driving te situation,,,,ANXIETY !!!,,,PHOBIA's !!! She is on some meications to help with these, but they are the devil of her problem. I guess i should call an emergent meeting with the 504 team ?

Even if she can't/won't do the work- it might mollify the school if they consider her to still be getting content while she's out. A face saving cover.

[MIAS_MOM]

peglem, we at the time didnt add attendance accommodations to her plan, no one mentioned that to me, and that should have been done, since she misses so many days because she cant get out the front door on some mornings, that just unfortunalty got looked over and I didnt think of it. We could try some work at home, but almost bet its not gonna happen because of her severe ODD with me and her dad. But might be worth a try, she has "no homework" on her plan bc she was not able to sit and do it, even with me writting the answer's or just verbally reading the things she was suppose to write. Last night she could only read to me 3 vocabulary words and deffinitions before "blowing up" and the other kids had to write all 30 on paper. She's gone backward to almost a 2nd grade level from 5th.

LLM, She refuses her medications (just sometimes) bc she says they are BAD, meaning like not good for her body and brain, and doesn't want to take them.

She has periods when "medications" are part of her bad things, such as germs, and not gettin her ocd's right. We currently do not have CBT therapy in our state, just like the absence of ANYONE knowng about pandas, she is however in behavioral therapy with a great therapist 1 hr away we see every month, But Mia has her as a "bad" thing as well and will not participate or communicate at all with her, and we've seen her for almost 2 yrs! As far as whats driving te situation,,,,ANXIETY !!!,,,PHOBIA's !!! She is on some meications to help with these, but they are the devil of her problem. I guess i should call an emergent meeting with the 504 team ?

Even if she can't/won't do the work- it might mollify the school if they consider her to still be getting content while she's out. A face saving cover.

Hey, great point, since her dad and I "do" her book reports and such for her ! we often joke about who does better on Mia's projects, Me or him, cause she doesnt do the 1st thing ! ( yes I know that's horrid) but like you said, we've done it to keep "A face saving cover !)

[MIAS_MOM]

peglem, we at the time didnt add attendance accommodations to her plan, no one mentioned that to me, and that should have been done, since she misses so many days because she cant get out the front door on some mornings, that just unfortunalty got looked over and I didnt think of it. We could try some work at home, but almost bet its not gonna happen because of her severe ODD with me and her dad. But might be worth a try, she has "no homework" on her plan bc she was not able to sit and do it, even with me writting the answer's or just verbally reading the things she was suppose to write. Last night she could only read to me 3 vocabulary words and deffinitions before "blowing up" and the other kids had to write all 30 on paper. She's gone backward to almost a 2nd grade level from 5th.

LLM, She refuses her medications (just sometimes) bc she says they are BAD, meaning like not good for her body and brain, and doesn't want to take them.

She has periods when "medications" are part of her bad things, such as germs, and not gettin her ocd's right. We currently do not have CBT therapy in our state, just like the absence of ANYONE knowng about pandas, she is however in behavioral therapy with a great therapist 1 hr away we see every month, But Mia has her as a "bad" thing as well and will not participate or communicate at all with her, and we've seen her for almost 2 yrs! As far as whats driving te situation,,,,ANXIETY !!!,,,PHOBIA's !!! She is on some meications to help with these, but they are the devil of her problem. I guess i should call an emergent meeting with the 504 team ?

Even if she can't/won't do the work- it might mollify the school if they consider her to still be getting content while she's out. A face saving cover.

Hey, great point, since her dad and I "do" her book reports and such for her ! we often joke about who does better on Mia's projects, Me or him, cause she doesnt do the 1st thing ! ( yes I know that's horrid) but like you said, we've done it to keep "A face saving cover !)

[MomWithOCDSon]

1. School -- I would work it out with the school as best you can for her to spend as many of the next 15 days being "homeschooled" as necessary. That being said, I would continue to treat each Monday through Friday as a "school day," get her up and ready as much as possible. That way, if she's able to get out the door without a giant fuss or meltdown, then she can attend school that day. I would think attending alone would represent a "success" for her and might encourage her that yes, she can do it again tomorrow. It wasn't so bad.

 

2. Meds -- We've had some med refusal attempts and ongoing balking of late. Like your DD, our DS's reluctance is tied to his "just right" OCD and some scrupulosity, as well. He feels he has to "think about" each and every pill and supplement and measure for himself whether or not taking it is the right thing to do. He says that's what it means to "be responsible"! Anyway, in our house, meds are a "non-negotiable." No meds, no moving from the table. No freedom. No playing. No watching TV. No nothing. If I have to, I sit with him and re-identify each and every capsule and its purpose so that he can make peace with taking it. Whatever it takes.

 

3. In General -- If your DD is displaying ODD at home with your DH and you, you really might benefit from some of the techniques in "The Explosive Child." A lot of forum families have found a lot of useful ideas in that book, and we've recently taken it "into our hearts," as well since our formerly quiet and introverted DS has, with emerging puberty, become quite vocal and obstinate, especially in situations over which he feels he should have sole control (see "Meds" discussion above ).

 

Anyway, long story short, "The Explosive Child" suggests that you utilized a "Plan B" which, instead of a Plan A in which the parents dictate expectations to the child and mete out consequences when the child fails to meet those expectations, or Plan C in which the parents decide to just drop those expectations entirely and let the child have his/her way and thereby forego any explosions that might ensue where the expectations maintained. Plan B basically suggests that you chose a quiet, reasonably calm moment with your child and start a conversaion along the lines of, "We've noticed you're having trouble taking your meds lately. What's up?" Then you let the child tell you the why's and wherefore's of the problem you've identified. These "why's and wherefores" are essentially the kid's concern: that the meds are bad for her, that they might make her do something she doesn't want to do, that taking them takes too long, etc. Then you voice your concerns, such as she needs them so that her activities are less difficult for her, so that she can attend school without feeling too anxious to participate, etc. Then you say, "What kind of solution do you think we could come up with that might satify both your concerns and ours?" And together you brainstorm solutions to the problem, such as distracting her OCD mind from the actual activity of taking the meds so that doing so is less problematic for her, or whatever satisfies all of you in the end.

 

It's not a quick method, but it DOES work if you stick with it. We've significantly reduced arguments and "explosions" in our house of late by virtue of it.

[MIAS_MOM]

1. School -- I would work it out with the school as best you can for her to spend as many of the next 15 days being "homeschooled" as necessary. That being said, I would continue to treat each Monday through Friday as a "school day," get her up and ready as much as possible. That way, if she's able to get out the door without a giant fuss or meltdown, then she can attend school that day. I would think attending alone would represent a "success" for her and might encourage her that yes, she can do it again tomorrow. It wasn't so bad.

 

2. Meds -- We've had some med refusal attempts and ongoing balking of late. Like your DD, our DS's reluctance is tied to his "just right" OCD and some scrupulosity, as well. He feels he has to "think about" each and every pill and supplement and measure for himself whether or not taking it is the right thing to do. He says that's what it means to "be responsible"! Anyway, in our house, meds are a "non-negotiable." No meds, no moving from the table. No freedom. No playing. No watching TV. No nothing. If I have to, I sit with him and re-identify each and every capsule and its purpose so that he can make peace with taking it. Whatever it takes.

 

3. In General -- If your DD is displaying ODD at home with your DH and you, you really might benefit from some of the techniques in "The Explosive Child." A lot of forum families have found a lot of useful ideas in that book, and we've recently taken it "into our hearts," as well since our formerly quiet and introverted DS has, with emerging puberty, become quite vocal and obstinate, especially in situations over which he feels he should have sole control (see "Meds" discussion above ).

 

Anyway, long story short, "The Explosive Child" suggests that you utilized a "Plan B" which, instead of a Plan A in which the parents dictate expectations to the child and mete out consequences when the child fails to meet those expectations, or Plan C in which the parents decide to just drop those expectations entirely and let the child have his/her way and thereby forego any explosions that might ensue where the expectations maintained. Plan B basically suggests that you chose a quiet, reasonably calm moment with your child and start a conversaion along the lines of, "We've noticed you're having trouble taking your meds lately. What's up?" Then you let the child tell you the why's and wherefore's of the problem you've identified. These "why's and wherefores" are essentially the kid's concern: that the meds are bad for her, that they might make her do something she doesn't want to do, that taking them takes too long, etc. Then you voice your concerns, such as she needs them so that her activities are less difficult for her, so that she can attend school without feeling too anxious to participate, etc. Then you say, "What kind of solution do you think we could come up with that might satify both your concerns and ours?" And together you brainstorm solutions to the problem, such as distracting her OCD mind from the actual activity of taking the meds so that doing so is less problematic for her, or whatever satisfies all of you in the end.

 

It's not a quick method, but it DOES work if you stick with it. We've significantly reduced arguments and "explosions" in our house of late by virtue of it.

This book stays on my nightstand, even though my husband and I have both read it, It is a GREAT book and I have found some good turn arounds with dd using it, the bad part,,,,I,,, like most everyone here, have 3 children, I'm very, very busy, and find myself being too tierd and overwhelmed to even attempt to use these plans on some days, I know thats not an excuse, but it's just the truth. I will try to slow down and use them more often, the part of still making her get up every morning and keepinga schedule opened my eyes, you are righ about that!

[MomWithOCDSon]

I,,, like most everyone here, have 3 children, I'm very, very busy, and find myself being too tierd and overwhelmed to even attempt to use these plans on some days, I know thats not an excuse, but it's just the truth. I will try to slow down and use them more often, the part of still making her get up every morning and keepinga schedule opened my eyes, you are righ about that!

 

I hear you, sister!

 

I guess as PANDAS families go, we're somewhat fortunate in that we only have the one child, so we've been able to minimize the "collateral damage" and direct all our resources to the one kid.

 

No excuses required! I'm wiped out with just ONE kid, a DH and a job! I can't imagine trying to keep things moving smoothly with 3 kids in the mix! Hang in there!

[SarahJane]

We were undx'd last year when my son was in kindergarten (did have an anxiety dx tho' that I always forget about because it wasn't that). I got our dr to give me notes to use as needed, & my son only attended half days. He did a bit better knowing he only had to stay until lunch (tho' the teacher still changed his color for something most days...just avoided the usual afternoon meltdowns). But with dr's notes the school shouldn't say much. Or you could try to add an absences accommodation somehow, especially since you're not coming back next year. Also make sure it won't affect her grade promotion/grades, but that may not matter if you work it out with the private school. Good luck!

 

Also, in retrospect, I wish I'd just yanked my kid outta school completely when things weren't going well, but I was trying to make it work. It caused so much stress on our little family. And in his last 3 weeks or so of school, they took away recess & isolated him at his own desk & who knows what other emotional abuse I didn't see.