Behavior Issues and TS

[Gina]

Hi Everyone,

 

I havent posted in a really long time. But I read posts here quite often. I have a few questions that I hope some of you can help me with.

 

My son Dan who is in the 4th grade has TS. He has never been medicated and his vitamins consists of a good multi, B1, B6, zinc, Mag. Taurine and Calcium. I try to keep everything with no preservatives or high fructose corn syrup and no artificial color or flavor. We do OK with all of that. He has never had any other issues that seen to go along with TS. He has no learning problems. He has gotten straight A's all year. Has no signs of ADD or OCD. He has a bunch of friends and his teachers say nothing but good things about him. I have never gotten a negative comment from anyone at his school. There is a boy that came to his class about 2 months into the year and he is completely blind. Dan has taken him under his wing and helps him out with everything, even at recess they play kickball and my son holds this boys arm and runs him around the bases and the simle on both of thier faces is wonderful to see. My son was not asked to help him he took it upon himself to get to know this boy. There is also another boy in his class that is slightly Autistic he is very smart and can keep up with the work but he has problems staying focused and I would say has a maturity level of maybe a 6 or 7 year old. Again my son took a liking to this boy and has been a positive influence for this boy. I don't even think that my son is aware of the effect he has on these boys so I know that his actions are truly from his heart and soul.

 

Now I am not telling you all this because I am trying to brag about my son but I need you to know that part about him so maybe you can help me with the next part.....

 

My son comes home from school and it is like Dr. Jekly and Mr hyde..... That sweet boy that has a heart of gold has turned into a Whiny, argumentative, rude and completly inconsiderate little stinker to myslef his dad and his sister. Nothing is ever his fault and if things don't go his way he ruins the rest of the day for all of us. It has gotten so bad that I am so dreading the upcoming summer break. I have always looked foward to summer we always do so much fun stuff. I feel really guilty for feeling this way. Tonight we had to run out after dinner to a couple of stores (nothing fun I need to buy a new vacuum) By the time we finally made our purchase it was 8:00pm my son asked if we could walk around the mall. My husband and I both said no that it was to late. Thats all it took.... whining and crying and saying stuff like we owed him that since he had to go out shopping for stuff that we want and nothing is ever for him etc.... He sounded like a 3 year old having a temper tantrum (which he never did even at 3) This took place the whole way home and I sent him to his room and told him to go straight to bed. The problem is he can not stop arguing his point and he goes on and on I could threaten him with anything but he just goes on and on. This happens all the time and he argues to the point where I sometimes have to walk out of the house to cool myself down. Now I am aware that this could have something to do with his age but I dont think the intenseness of it is normal for his age. He would argue his point until the sun came up if I let him. He does not have issues with violence, it's all with his mouth..... Could this be part of the TS and puberty being around the corner? I know that I walk on eggshells not to upset him because than the whole day is ruined for all of us and I know that's not OK either. Why is he so different and home verses being at school or at a friends house. I know that some TS people have learned to hold back tics for a certain amount of time only to have a burst of it later in the day. Could this be the way his come out if he is holding back at school? I am just so tired of all the arguing and yelling.

 

Sorry for such a long post but I am at the end of my rope. Any advice will be appreciated.

 

Thanks for listening

Gina

[Guest Diane]

Hi Gina

 

I know your frustration, I've been there! I know about the Jekyll/Hyde personality. I was so concerned about that in my son, I talked to an excellent child psychologist about this very thing. What she said really put me at ease. She said to me: "The way he is in public - IS THE WAY HE REALLY IS. If he is well-behaved, kind and compassionate at school and out in public, then you have nothing to worry about. Do not worry about his behaviour change at home. At home, he feels totally relaxed and comfortable, which you want him to feel. If he is feeling cranky and stressed and his TS symptoms are getting to him, he knows that at home, he can let it all out and tests his limits. He feels safe and secure at home.

 

After a while, I actually felt it was good for them to let some steam off at home (within reason, of course!) cuz it is much healthier for them if they can release a little bit, and I'd rather it be at home than in public. Of course if his behaviour was excessive then he'd have consequences.

 

Gina, I could have gone to this doctor every day for advice (she was that inspiring) but could not afford it, so I asked her to recommend any book that I could refer to. She recommended the following:

 

GET OUT OF MY LIFE! - but first, could you drive me and Cheryl to the Mall? a parent's guide to the new teenager. by Anthony E. Wolf

 

Now, I know your son is not a teenager yet, but he may be starting early. This book is great, whether or not your son is yet a teenager.. It explains all about why today's girls and boys behave the way they do, and suggestions on handling it in the best way. I bought the book right away and have been referring to it frequently while raising both my boys (both have TS).

 

I hope you get it, you will really find it helpful

Good luck

[Chemar]

Hi Gina

 

first off a (((BIG HUG))) for you in sympathy cos I know how you are feeling.

 

In truth, when we went thru a similar phase, I really never was sure where the symptoms associated with the disorders stopped and puberty stuff started or where plain old pre-teen angst blended in.

 

It took patience and perseverence but my son finally did realise that, although I was very sensitive to his struggles with his TS/OCD/ADD/SID/CAPD etc etc and with the fact that he was also entering a new phase in life hormonally......still, he simply had to develop coping skills to preserve the harmony and happiness that we have in our family. Granted, he was in 4th grade when his tics first manifest clearly, and so it truly was a time of upheaval and stress etc.

 

I found that spending time talking with him one on one, where he could vent his feelings and I would just listen, and then present things from the other side, really seemed to "get thru" to him more than when I pulled rank and became enforcer.

 

It is a very fine line to be understanding of what our kids go thru, yet at the same time be a responsible parent teaching them family and socially correct behaviour.

 

I think you can take enormous relief and pleasure that your son clearly has a kind and good heart, as evidenced by his caring attitude toward those other kids

and so you already know that the root is in good soil!

The pre- and early teen years are not easy under any circumstances, but by maintaining a gentle and loving firmness and consistency on what is and what isnt acceptable behaviour, you can guide him thru it.

I recall once, after a particularly explosive and out of proportion reaction from my son, I literally dissolved into tears.......and the impact on him was profound....he really understood just how his behaviour had hurt me and we were able to talk thru some things on a very special level. It heralded a major turning point. Yes, he still slipped up....but I found it easier to get him to realise when he was being out of line, and more co-operative to reign in the emotional outbursts.

 

I also found humor to be a real help. Sometimes it was good to be able to help him see how silly his actions looked and we learned to laugh our way thru many potentially unpleasant situations.

 

I dont know if my reflections on our experience have helped you....sure hope so

[mmazz]

Hi Gina;

 

What a wonderful child you have who is so warm and loving with disabled children instead of fearing them. You should be, as I'm sure that you are, so proud. When I read you post I kept saying it sounds like she is writing about my kid. Everyone tells me the same things about my little guy. "What an angel. He is so good. It so refreshing to have such a polite and caring boy in my class, etc.." I look at these people dazed and confused and sometimes I think they have me mixed up with the wrong parent Because , just like you, when he gets home I'm was in for it. It's just me, not his brother or father. It is because I am the one that shows the most unconditional love. Yep, the punching bag if you will. He needed to vent. Being happy and good 24/7 is impossible. I think they know the importance of being well behaved in school. I know from work. I have to be chipper, and pleasant and by the time 7 o'clock comes around and I still have dishes, laundry etc., I could just bell tower it.

My sons neuro told me that an intelligent boy will bring with it challenges. Defending the point to the utmost is a trait worth having as a sucessful businessman, but as a child it challenges the parent more. She told me not to surpress this for it is a wonderful trait that will take him far in life. So, what I have choosen to do is to keep him busy, so that he is so tired that arguements are few and far between. So we now have track three days a week, cub scouts, school of course and playdates to fill in the gap. His downtime is school work, reading, tub and that wonderful sleep time. This helps with the fidgeting, the TV stuff, that continual "can I please have that one more cookie". These tricks have made our relationship so strong because I am doing things for him to have fun. I'm now his cheerleader and he appreciates it or me more. I know as a parent time is of the essense but I would rather watch him run and eat dinner an hour later than to argue for an hour straight over why the he can't wear black socks with his sandels just like Grandpa

I don't think it is a TS trait, just a personality thing.

Good Luck and great post!

 

Marie

[Guest Guest]

This is to much to be a coincidence. You guys have described my situation to the letter. My 7th grade son is just what you all described. At a parent teacher conference, one of his teachers said "this is a kid you would just like to take home with you, there aren't many kids you feel that way about and I bet he's the same way at home" WRONG. I sat there smiling nodding my head hoping I didn't get struck by lightening for lying. I hear this story from parents of his friends, bus drivers, even his grandparents don't understand why I'm so concerned because he's so wonderful. He is also unusually(extreme) caring for impaired or disabled people-or just the underdog.

 

This child and I have always had a super close relationship. Lately it seems as if he is on a mission to destroy me. He turns into what the rest of you have described within 10 minutes of being in the door. He will respond with comments like "make me" when asked to do something. He will stir trouble and then say "I hate this house" . At bed time he will apologise, and say I'm sorry mom, you help me live. I love you so much. One time I asked him why he was putting me through this, with inappropriate language, not doing what he was told, all of the back talk, and he simply said "because I know you can take it". I think this translates into the unconditional love thing. I also find this behavior to be extreme if you are just going to chalk it up to puberty. I wonder what a parent of a non ts teen-preteen would say, is this a challenge of the age or exaggerated in these kids.

Thankyou to all

[Gina]

Thanks, Diane, Chemar, mmazz & Guest,

 

 

Big sigh of relief!!!!

 

It's nice to know my son is not the only one going through this. All your kind words and suggestions have put me a bit at ease.

 

Diane - I will check out the book. Thanks

 

Thanks Again,

Gina