unsupportive family members-VENT! Suggestions please

[bgbarnes]

They're very generous and giving people, will do anything for anyone but they seem to do it more for the attention that they get as a result.

 

I think you're exactly right! Makes them kind of pitiful, doesn't it?

That is EXACTLY what my parents say- that she helps all these people to get the attention herself. I feel so free that I finally have a reason- supported by my family to stay away! Woohooo!!!!

[airial95]

It is sad that this is why people would sonthese things. My own sister skipped my college graduation, moving away party (when I moved across the country), bachelorette party (she insisted on throwing it at a bar I wouldn't be caught dead in and then left after 20 min), and didn't show up for my wedding until 10 min before I walked down the aisle even though she was a bridesmaid. Now that I have kids, she barely sees them (even though she still sees the girls she used to nanny for practically weekly) Her reason? She can see those girls no problem but it's painful to see her own niece and nephew since she "can't have children of her own" - even though no dr has ever told her that and she's never tried to get pregnant.

 

Anything that's not about her or can't be turned to her is not worth her time. Were throwing my mom a surprise 60th birthday party today, I organized and paid for everything, my sister is bringing one dish - guess who'll take the credit for the whole thing?

 

Fortunatly she's never opened her mouth about PANDAS cause she knows she doesn't know my son well enough to know anything about him.

 

Myhusbands aunt on the other hand, vie just been waiting for her to say something in front of me. I know my MIL will back me up on the PANDAS thing because they were here for 6weeks right before we got the dx, so they saw the absolute worst of him!!

 

Just hang in there and remember, even though you're not personally trying to find the cure for cancer just so you can be on the cover of time - you're a better person. And you are the world to that child who is counting on you to helpmhim through this, and to teach him how to deal with people who would judge him so unfairly.

[tpotter]

OMG...Did I write this one (just insert: " doctor who doesn't treat patients, and who didn't read any of the material I sent her" for "teacher", and "single" for "married", and I swear I must have written your letter in my sleep! Just venting, too. (BTW...I refused to go to a family get together in December for the same reason, but went to one this weekend. She actually tried to give me a hug...I turned around and walked away!)

[matis_mom]

Oh I can relate! I kind of have the same situation with my MIL, but not about the PANDAS thing, thank God!

I think you are right to choose to stay away. You've tried to include her, you have explained, and if she doesn't get it, you have better things to do with your energy than stressing out about what she might say.

With my MIL, what has worked in the past is to write her an email explaining the situation and why we choose not to see her (yes, at times, we have had to cut all contact). Talking has never worked, as the conversation is always one-sided, and she is always twisting things and is way too proud to admit she was out of line.

So, whenever you feel inclined, write a nice long letter explaining how you and your husband feel about her comments, etc. Try not to be judgemental, just explain what you are going through and how her attitude is not helping and that is why you choose for the time being to not be around her.

Is she your brother's wife, or your husband's sister? In either case, it always works better to deal with your own blood relative (i.e, either you write to your brother, or your husband writes to his sister).

We have had to put my MIL in "time out" more than once and now she knows where the line is.

You have to stand up for yourself and your family. Better to do it now than to blow up one day in front of the children

[bgbarnes]

Oh I can relate! I kind of have the same situation with my MIL, but not about the PANDAS thing, thank God!

I think you are right to choose to stay away. You've tried to include her, you have explained, and if she doesn't get it, you have better things to do with your energy than stressing out about what she might say.

With my MIL, what has worked in the past is to write her an email explaining the situation and why we choose not to see her (yes, at times, we have had to cut all contact). Talking has never worked, as the conversation is always one-sided, and she is always twisting things and is way too proud to admit she was out of line.

So, whenever you feel inclined, write a nice long letter explaining how you and your husband feel about her comments, etc. Try not to be judgemental, just explain what you are going through and how her attitude is not helping and that is why you choose for the time being to not be around her.

Is she your brother's wife, or your husband's sister? In either case, it always works better to deal with your own blood relative (i.e, either you write to your brother, or your husband writes to his sister).

We have had to put my MIL in "time out" more than once and now she knows where the line is.

You have to stand up for yourself and your family. Better to do it now than to blow up one day in front of the children

She is my brothers wife-so I have talked to my brother and we are fine. If she saw my ds this evening she would know something is wrong- he had a major meltdown! From historical reference I know most people would want to whip his butt or deliver major consequences and I know it just does not work or make it any better....I just want a healthy little boy!!! After tonight I don't care what she says- I refuse to deal with her and I dare her to say something to my face- I have bigger fish to fry!

[P_Mom]

Okay, sorry, but I have a different take on this than the majority on here. I wasn't going to respond, but, I can't sleep. (what else is new) I think the majority of us have dealt with this type of......."it is just behavioral" stuff.

 

Anyway, I'd go to my Dad's house on Father's Day! You are already giving this woman too much....don't give her this now.

People like this feed off of how they affect people...they love to see what impact they can have on things/people. Staying away or even getting into it with her would just be throwing in the towel and giving her what she wants.....she'll LOVE the fact that she gets to you so much that you avoid her. Yes, you need to fight back, but, in a way that will drive her nuts!

 

Go....be happy...enjoy your Dad (you never know when there will be no more Father's Days)........be kind to her, but, not overly engaging. Smile.....IF she brings up anything about your son.......just stop, look at her, smile bigger, then, turn your head (ignoring the comment) and begin speaking with your Dad or whoever is near about something else. Tell everyone to do this if she tries to bring the subject up with them..........don't give it ANY attention on this day.......don't let her get under your skin about this......if you can do that, now, that is victory! If she is smart, she'll get the picture eventually and drop it, and, hopefully you two can have a better relationship in the future. Not going to your Dad's, fighting with her, or even trying to convince her of your child's PANDAS........waste of time and energy! It is stealing away from YOU....not her. Forgive me, but, to me, it would be like giving in to her crap. Who cares if she believes you or not?? YOU know what you know and that is all that matters!

 

I agree with your last statement "I have bigger fish to fry."

 

Everything will come around full circle someday.

 

I say Go! Smile...have fun....ignore any and all references made about your son!

 

Sorry..........this is just my opinion and what I would do.

Edited June 14, 2010 by P.Mom