Need some parenting tips

[ilovedogs]

My ds is 10 and is a bundle of nerves. Since we homeschool and he's my only child I think I focus on him too much! How do I pull away and not let his emotions get to me? For example: he was doing one of his nervous things earlier where he gets this look on his face and starts getting fidgety. I automatically know something is bothering him so I ask:" What's wrong?" And, of course, I get the story and sometimes it's as simple as him being disappointed that the Indy Colts are losing right now! UGH!

 

The boy lives on the edge of a breakdown it seems every day. He is sensitive to things he sees on TV, going out to eat sends him into a tizzy b/c he's afraid of food poisoning, he has major fears of death and illness, separation anxiety is a big one, and I know he fears my dh(who, btw, is a great father but is prone to being loud and expecting my ds to 'grow up' when it comes to his fears). We have him in counseling and I am going to a naturopath who is trying to help calm his nervous system, but right now I don't see any of this benefitting him.

I keep praying that as he gets older he'll become more equipped to handle anxiety and stress, but I am starting to lose hope! I guess I just don't want him living in fear and living under my roof when he's 27 years old!!!

 

Does anyone have any practical suggestions or supplements to suggest that could benefit us? I will bring them up with our doctors this next month! Thanks!

 

Bonnie

[lynsey]

Bonnie

Do you mind me asking why he is home-schooled? (Do you feel it is better to home-school

him) Please know, I'm not casting any judgements here. My youngest son sounded very

much like yours in the anxiety department, and I seriously (and I mean seriously) considered

home-schooling him. In fact, his anxiety was so severe, (we're talking about a child who

would cry at other kids BIRTHDAY PARTIES - I mean, anxiety-PLUS. He would never go

anywhere without me, and my husband and I couldn't go anywhere without him). You can imagine how

anxiety-ridden he was at school. He cried every day walking in. He cried if he didn't understand

something at school. He cried when they changed his routine. The principal of the school

sort of got "fed-up" with all his anxious peculiarities, and my calls to the school, and suggested he be home-schooled.

My doctor told me it was very important for him that he learn in a school environment, that

this would enable him to teach himself strategies for dealing with his anxiety in social settings

and all other types of settings.

I'll admit, it was traumatic for 6 years, he had daily anxiety issues and we dealt with them,

literally, one day at a time - got a special psychologist in to talk to the principal/teachers and

give them insight into his anxiety, so they knew how to deal with him. He emerged from this

period a strong young adult who copes quite well with his anxiety now, and I don't think he would

have if I had home-schooled him. Plus, I NEEDED the break when he went to school! It was

essential to my mental health. I was destroying my health, mentally and physically, trying

to cope with his extreme anxiety.

It's just a thought..... I know every parent does what they believe is best for their child, and home-schooling may

be best for your child....just telling you my experience

 

Lynsey

[ilovedogs]

We had decided to homeschool when he was 3 on the suggestion of my mother's(of all people). He is involved in a co-op where he takes classes with other children and has a teacher other than me 1 day a week. He also participates in a PE class for homeschool kids where there are about 100 other kids with him. Honestly, we started homeschooling so that we could keep our own schedule as we have family all over the country and we like to travel. It allows us a lot of freedom. Also, I felt that my own public school upbringing was saturated with test taking skills but not with life skills and most of my friends were from relationships outside of school. So, I really didn't think he would be missing out socially b/c I knew I'd keep him busy, which I do.

Also, he has LD's where I feel that I can match his lessons to his learning style and I can let him learn at his own pace and gear the lessons to his abilities, yet still challenging him at the same time. I've contemplated school for him and I always tell him that the option is there for the future if he'd ever like to participate in school sports, etc. He's only 10, things can change...right?

 

B

[Caryn]

Is he involved in sports?

Maybe a sport that requires skill/concentration might be good, even if it isn't 'physical' like for instance golf or chess.

My ds started a chess club this year and he loves it.

Music may also be a good outlet for stress. You may consider having him try an instrument, or at the very least encourage music for leisure by getting into bands, sounds, genres, etc... with him and using it when he is really worked up about stuff.

I think it is fantastic that you homeschool. I have a couple of friends that do, and they have very busy social schedules. We may get there someday too, as ds reads at a fourth grade level and is only in kindy. For right now he's enjoying himself and he has matured a lot socially.

We do games and silly stuff when he gets wound up about things. He responds well to it. We also pillow talk about 'stuff' and that helps. Your ds is 10, a lot older than 5, but since you homeschool and are together a lot he may be more open to talking about 'stuff' with you if you approach it in non-threatening ways when he is calm.

Learning to cope with stress is a personal thing. Your ds just needs to find what works for him. Our son is sensitive to 'junk' on T.V. too. He is disturbed by things that his 4 yr. old bro takes in stride.

Does he often have friends over? Sometimes being around a laid back kid helps. I swear that works. Last year our neighbor's got into a pinch when the husband had to work double shifts for about three months. They had a baby and the wife was working part time for insurance. I offered to pick up their son and bring him to my house to play 3 days a week so the father could sleep at the same time as the baby. Ds was more anxious and not too social at the time. He really enjoyed having a same age friend to play with and really matured because of it. The other boy is a second child and as a result more mature and laid back. It was a nice combo. Now they are best of friends this year at school.

[ilovedogs]

Caryn, it's funny that you mentioned the friend thing as he has a nice laid back friend over right now! Yes, he loves sports and he just finished his 3rd season of flag football(even though he gets so worked up about the games that he throws up beforehand), and he plays tennis and golf, as well. He used to take piano lessons but he just didn't care for it and I'm thinking of getting him involved in guitar or drums in the next year or so since we have a drum set and some electric guitars here at home. He is a great kid and has lots of friends, it's just the anxiety sometimes gets in the way for him and I hate to see him struggle. I feel like I keep hitting walls with our therapist and even with our naturopath doctors. Maybe I just need to give things more time?

 

B

[lynsey]

You all seem like you are doing the right things, and so you may be on the right

track, and as you say, it just takes time. What is a solution for one child, is not

necessarily the solution for another. It sounds to me like you are giving him many

social experiences which he needs to mature and grow, and definitely time and

maturity will help a lot of the anxiety issues. If I've learned anything about raising

an anxious child, it is that improvement is sometimes agonizingly slow... but steady.

It happens over months and years, but it happens.

 

You have to weigh the pros and cons and find the solution that you feel is best for you and

your son. For us, I'm glad I had my son in school - he gained an inner strength

that I don't know he would have had otherwise.