So now I know I have OCD...

[magicjordan]

My whole life I've always wondered why I can't stop my brain from thinking a mile a minute...why I'm always obsessed on negative thoughts...why I get mad at the smallest stuff, so on and so forth. Why I have sudden impulses to crack someone in their face with my fist for no reason.

 

Then I just happened across an article on OCD and it raised an eyebrow. Then researched OCD top to bottom, left to right for months and realize I 100% positively have this disorder. I haven't seen a health care specialist, but there is no doubt I have this. As if all the pieces didn't fit together enough, I read how many sufferers excessively peel the skin on their nails and for years I have been baffled by impulses to do this to the point that my fingers are bleeding profusely.

 

Now that I understand myself a little better, I know why I constantly find myself trying to hate or be annoyed at the person I love. I been with my girlfriend for 5 years and continue to let myself get enraged at everything she does. All her personaility quirks drive me insane to the point where the other day I finally just said, man she aint the one for me. But then it finally dawned on me that maybe it was HOW i viewed her quirks or personality that was the problem. I realize that I get really mad at dumb things. I get mad at the fact that she only likes to eat organic foods. I get mad at the fact that she always locks the door when I get out of the car. I let everything she does stress me out and don't know why. I tell myself shes not the one for me and that shes a "b*tch" etc etc. Then when my brain calms down I realize how much I love her and how good she is to me again.

 

She is a loving, caring person who goes out of her way for me, has always been there for me and is fun to be around. She left me once last year and I realized how much I love her and how good she was to me. When I got her back I said I would make her my wife but since it hasnt happened yet she broke up with me. I love her and its killing me inside that I can't accept her for who she is and that my mind is telling me that shes no good.

 

I need to conquer this and see if I can deal with her with MENTAL clarity and realize if its my OCD making me think shes not the one for me, or if she REALLY isnt the one for me. Has anyone gone through this also? Please advise, this is the 11th hour for me before she leaves me for good.

[CarolynN]

Hello,

 

I just wanted to say hang in there. I know life seems very confusing right now. I thought I would attach a post I did to another person a few months ago that I thought might help. http://www.latitudes.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=2623 .

 

I also wanted to say don't be afraid to ask for help from a professional counselor. We found a great Christian counselor for my son by doing a search through our insurance company.

 

God Bless,

 

 

Carolyn N.

[ariel]

Carolyn. I want to let you know that I read you post and it helped me immensely. Obsessive thoughts are hitting me at a time in my life when everything else seems to be going so well. About a year ago I had a few minor panic attacks. This was not my first bout with anxiety so my doctor prescribed Prozac. After starting it and looking it up on the internet I became terrified that it was going to cause me to become suicidal, like I read horror stories of. I loved my life but couldn't stop thinking "what if I became depressed and lose it". I immediately had my doctor switch me to another med which worked pretty well for about a year to calm my fears. Now I want to have a baby so I weaned myself off the med. Unfortunately my thoughts have returned and broadened to include thoughts of harming others. I am able to rationalize that I am not suicidal with the realization that I go to bed each night wanting to wake up the next day. However the fear of hurting others is proving to be harder to push out of my mind. The ironic thing is that I don't think I have ever physically or emotionaly hurt another person in my life, or really wanted to.

My big question now is what's going to happen when I have a baby. I don't want to deal with thoughts of hurting my own children. I don't really focus on thoughts of hurting my husband because when they pop into my head they are just too ridiculous to me to entertain. I'm hoping that will be true with my kids also.

I am a Christian and I am trying to become more involved with church and have more faith in God.

Any reply would be appreciated

 

Ariel

Hello,

 

I just wanted to say hang in there. I know life seems very confusing right now. I thought I would attach a post I did to another person a few months ago that I thought might help. http://www.latitudes.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=2623 .

 

I also wanted to say don't be afraid to ask for help from a professional counselor. We found a great Christian counselor for my son by doing a search through our insurance company.

 

God Bless,

 

 

Carolyn N.

[CarolynN]

Ariel,

 

Thank you sooooo much for sharing this helped you. That really means a lot to me. I just wanted to let you know I am going to respond in more detail to your post tomorrow night. I just saw you posted and wanted to let you know that I saw your post. It is getting close to 1 a.m. and I want to reply to you with an awake mind not a sleepy one . Any way I wanted to copy in a post from another posting I did to a woman who was so afraid she was going to hurt her child. So this is part of the response to her but again I will respond to you tomorrow night after my children are in bed. So here is the copied over response ................................................................................................

 

First please take comfort in knowing you are not the only mother that has had these thoughts about her children. I have had similar circumstances in the exhausting effort of fighting back unwanted thoughts about my children. Let me tell you there is so much hope for you. I understand you are in such a moment of great despair and have been for quite some time.

 

What I really want you to understand is the reason the fear of these thoughts, is so great in you, is because you are thinking thoughts that are the exact opposite of who you are as a mother. You have to realize that when God made us He also created our brains with an imagination. I know this may seem real basic but please hang in there with me. What happens with in this cycle of unwanted thoughts is an unpleasant thought enters into our imagination then our emotions follow with the feeling of fear and now anxiety hits hard. Our emotions do not understand that it was in our imagination and just a thought. So now that sinking feeling enters into our stomach because the fear of "what if I could do that to my child" starts. Believe me I know I have been in your shoes so I completely understand what you are feeling. What you HAVE to do is tell your emotions the truth. You can't just let that emotion of fear run wild. When you start telling that fear you know you would never do that and it is just in my imagination it will make a big differance.

 

I want to share with you that I have been a Christian since 1993. I cannot even tell you how far I have come in this fear of unwanted thoughts cycle. God has taught me so much about how to handle these unwanted thoughts. I think the biggest thing that has helped me is when I start thanking God for those things about me that I know would never allow me to do such horrible things that are in my imagination. For example I would start saying something like "thank you God that you gave me the ability to be able to hug my daughter without doing anything to her". "Thank you God that my daughter realizes I am a safe mother to be with and she wants hugs from me".

 

You need to realize when God made you and I He also made us with freewill. This means we have the choice to choose to do something or choose not to do something. I can tell you 100% that your freewill inside you would never allow you to do what ugly thoughts are in your head. It is not in you to do these things and that is the exact reason it bothers you so much. It is because you are such a loving mother.

 

The other thing I want to share with you, that made a big differance for me, was I realized I was not trusting the way God created me as a person. Let me explain to you what I mean. I was believing that just because I had a thought enter into my imagination meant I could possibly act out that thought. This was even though I knew it was exactly against my character. You have to realize God made us to be able to have a thought in your head but also the ability NOT to carry out the thought with actions. Let me give you some examples. What keeps you from just throwing yourself into walls as you walk even if you pictured yourself in your head doing so? What keeps you from not closing doors on your hands even if the thought enters your head? What keeps you driving on the correct side of the road even if you picture yourself on the opposite side? What keeps you from not going through red lights as you are driving even if in your imagination you are picturing a green light? All of these things do not happen outwardly because God designed us so amazingly that even though you can imagine something does not mean it is to be acted out. Again it comes back to freewill. You are believing that because you have an ugly thought you may compulsively act it out when in reality God gave us the ability not too. When you really think about it we are so amazingly created. So I want you start thinking about the fact that there are differant parts of our brains that constrain us for doing those things we do not want to do.

 

I want you to right now to not think about a blue dog wearing a bright pink hat. My point is when we try not to think about something it does the exact opposite. It gets ingrained into our brains even more. So by trying not to think about your daughter and these thoughts you are actually forcing more thoughts into your head. The only way around this and again, I tell you from experience, is start having a thankful heart and speaking truth over your emotions and it will make those emotions pop like a balloon.

 

I understand you are feeling a great deal of guilt for even letting these thoughts enter in your head in the first place. I believe that you are thinking that a good mother would never even think a thought like that and that leads to more fear. Let me reassure you that I have talked to COUNTLESS mothers who have had unwanted thoughts about their children.

 

As a side note, I mention unwanted thoughts to a lot to new mothers because I dealt a lot with this when my first baby was born. I was at a point where I did not trust myself to touch my new born baby. I was in so much torment. So now I want to help reassure new mothers that these thoughts are nothing to be fearful of just realize they happen because we love our children so much that the thought of doing these things just disgusts us. I always get the same response from mothers when the topic comes up "I have had those same types of thoughts". I think we have to realize that we live in a society where we are very aware of the evil that some people have committed against children, because of mass media and obvioulsy for you because you went through something so horrible as a teenager. So of course the thoughts are going to collide in our minds of "what if I could do something like that". It is a perfectly normal thing for a mother to go through this process.

 

Now the other part of this comes down to even when you "feel you conquered this emotional cycle of fear and anxiety" don't be surprised when you have a thought enter your head again that your emotions will try to resurface. I have had this happen even a year or so after I feel like something has been defeated within me. So I have to start the process over of giving thanks to God for the truth and speaking the truth over those emotions. It is a cycle but it is a cycle with a lot of hope. You will learn so much from this and will be able to help others.

 

I don't know if you read the posting, on this website, I did to desperate. I put in this link a lot of my story and what has helped me overcome my battle with unwanted thoughts. Also, there is a person who posted a response in this link about his battle with unwanted sexual thoughts and fear of molesting a child. That person has now been healed. I also address in this posting unwanted thoughts against God because I have had those too. I thought I would attach it here just for ease of access http://www.latitudes.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=2623

 

I know you don't know me but please know I have walked in your shoes and I can tell you 100% you will never do what fears are running wild within you. It is just what a Pastor of mine called "stinking thinkin". It is just like when you go to a scary movie and all of a sudden your emotions are believing that what is happening on the screen could happen to you so your emotions start getting fearful. This may seem like a crazy statement but if you really think about it our emotions are not exactly smart. Your emotions can easily be deceived and we need to hold a lot of caution in trusting our emotions over God's truths.

 

I also wanted to recommend a tape series that helped me sooooooooo much. It is called "Victory over Depression" by Bob George. I believe it is a series of 6 cds (they all come packaged together for the price). The first cd may seem a little long and slow but then He really gets going on why we let our emotions get so far out there. I would really recommend this for you. http://store.silaspartners.com/merchant.mv...duct_Code=CDVOD . Also he has a book on the same topic at http://store.silaspartners.com/merchant.mv...oduct_Code=BVOD

 

Trust in God and the way He made you, thank Him for how he made you with constraints, and thank Him for giving you such a blessing in having a child. He wants the best for you. God loves you so deeply and loves you daughter too.

 

I will be praying for you!

 

Carolyn N.

[CarolynN]

Hello again!

 

Well I am not so sleepy now, like last night at 1 a.m., and have been thinking and praying about my response to you today. I truly do pray that God will show you the answers and make it clear in your heart. You are a Christian so you are able to listen, in your heart, as to how God is directing you.

 

The other day, my Pastor said something that really put my emotions in perspective. He said "trying to change your emotional state is like trying to capture the wind with your hands". In other words, you just cannot force yourself to change your emotions. But what he did say you can do is "change your perspective". The change in perspective will ultimately change your emotions.

 

Ariel, please rest assured I have lived this practically my whole life, that you are dealing with an emotion of fear and nothing else. You said that you read the stories about people becoming suicidal and it put thoughts in your mind about "what if". With obsessive type thoughts it is ALWAYS the "what if" that captures your emotion. Every time I start obsessing over something I always have the same thing happen to me. I start thinking about x,y,z and all of a sudden my stomach sinks and then I feel a rush of fear come over me. The next thing I know I cannot stop thinking about it. It is like a self defense against the fear. But what I can tell you, is every time this has happened to me, once I do get the right perspective on the matter, it completely calms my fear down. Just like my Pastor said.

 

I can tell you the fear of harming children has been one of my biggest fears in my life. As a matter of fact, this past week I started fearing again with a certain thought about my children. I had to go back through and remind myself of all the truths I have learned. Once again I am calmed down but sometimes these things capture us in a moment and you wonder "now why did that thought not bother me yesterday but today it got me?" Normally I find it is because the day it captures me I am having other anxieties happen around me that heighten my sense of fear in general. Then I have a yucky thought enter my head and boom I am back into obsessing on x,y,z.

 

What God has shown me with my fear of harming others is our imaginations can come up with all kinds of unpleasant things. The problem is our emotion of fear does not realize it is an imagined event so it "feels real to us". Just like I referenced before with going to the movies. Our emotions believe these things can really happen like when we watch a scary movie and then are afraid to even walk outside the theater. So what I have had to do is start forcing truthful thoughts over those emotions. For example, I would say to myself "how many thousands of children and adults have I been around and ever done x,y,z to?". Of course the answer is none. Another example would be saying to myself that God has given me the ability not to do these things to a child or adult since I obviously do not desire to do so it is actually the exact opposite I detest it. I trust God's workmanship of me to know that since I don't want to do x,y,z I certainly will not.

 

Using scripture to speak truth to your emotions is a great. The Bible tells us very clearly to "Renew our minds with His truth" Romans Chapter 12 verse 2. I have found time and time again when I stay focused on His truths my anxiety is next to nothing. It is when I take my eyes off His truth that I get in trouble.

 

It is very important, as I stated in my previous post to start thanking God for the blessings in your life. This to me is really key. It will start putting those emotions back in place. Start thanking God for even what we would consider basic in our lives. But really is not basic when you stop to think about it. The ability to see, hear, walk, have food to eat, have a place to live, etc.

 

Ariel, can I tell you the fear of hurting our own children is far up on the fears for new mothers. But the good news is the love you feel for that child ultimately outweighs the discomfort of the fears. You will look back on your life, when you are a grandma, and think "yes that was stinky and yucky that I had those fears but the love, for my children, wow that is AWESOME and something I glad I did not miss out on".

 

The truth is Ariel you will more then likely have these fears with a new baby and even as they move out of babyhood BUT you are prepared already to expect them. I didn't know this and it came as a huge shock to me. Here I was with a brand new baby and terrified to hold him for fear of harming him. But God spoke into my heart, days after he was born, that I was not going to harm my baby and just to settle down. It took the fear away in an instant. So if you start fearing in a moment ask God to calm your heart. No one knows better then God how to do this.

 

Again, referencing my Pastor he said something that really puts life in general in perspective (again here is that word)! Think about what our God our creator made. The universe! To put the universe in somewhat of a perspective of size it would take 17 YEARS to fly to our sun in a standard commercial jet. Now consider the billions of stars He made. In the book of Isaiah, in the Bible, chapter 48 verse 13 it says "My own hand laid the foundations of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens". In Isaiah chapter 40 verse 12 it says "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens". My point is we are talking about our God, who is far beyond our ability to comprehend His amazement, and this God cares and loves you Ariel!. He can walk you through this and anything else that comes your way. He is very powerful! How can a God that can create something so magnificent and so beyond our ability to understand it not be able to help us with a problem such as yucky thoughts?

 

I wanted to share something else with you that really helped me. When my obsessive thoughts get going, again they still do at times, I go to the book of the Bible 1st Corinthians Chapter 13. It is all about how love is the only thing that will last forever and truly matters in the kingdom of God. So what that you think all kinds of yucky thoughts in your head, WE ALL DO, but what God is looking at is what IS TRULY IN YOUR HEART. He knows your true heart of not wanting to hurt people!

 

The other thing that came to me this week, and I just wonder if this is part of the reason I fear hurting others, is that if you met me you would say I am an all around "good" person. I really try to help others and deeply care for others. I think part of the fear for me is "if this did happen where I hurt someone" my goodness would be gone, in my minds eye, and that is a HUGE part of my identity. So in other words, I could never look at myself ever again the same and it would change completely my existence of who I am as a person. So the fear remains of the "what if" because I don't want to change who I know myself to be. But you know that God is truly the only one who can be considered good. Jesus told us that in the Bible. So am I trying to make myself like God in perfection by being able to only think perfect thoughts? So I wonder if it is not partly own self identity that is afraid? But the truth is, one way or another, I am a completely forgiven person since I accepted Christ's sacrifice on the cross for my sin. This is for past, present, and yes future sin. What good news is this and no matter what my self identity wants to come up with I am forgiven because of His Grace and not because of the good things I have done in my life. (Colossians Chapter 2 verse 13-15 and Ephesians Chapter 2 verse 8-10)

 

I also had a Pastor, a while back tell me, when you are trying to get to a place of peace and joy in your life you cannot target these things as your goal. There is an avenue to take before you can get there. It is called trust! He said you ultimately have to trust God before these things will happen. So I always try to remind myself to ask God "what is it that I am not trusting you about in this moment of time"? He has always shown me the answer when I truly seek His guidance.

 

Ariel, if you are having a really hard time with your thoughts you might want to consider going to a Christian counselor that does cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I found one, for my son, by doing a search on my insurances website. Many people on this forum have found CBT to help them get over through these kinds of thoughts.

 

The last thought I wanted to leave you with is something I read on another Internet site. As ridiculous as it sounds, I have this HUGE fear of throwing up. I have a panic type attack when I think it is going to happen. Anyhow, what I read is the main problem for people, with this fear, is that throwing up just does not happen very often. So for most people it can be years and years of not happening but yet anticipating it. So what happens is you never get the opportunity to "face the big giant fear in your mind" to actually realize it is only a tiny little ant. When I do end up throwing up I always have the same reaction "That was not such a big deal so why did I fret on this sooooooo much?". As a matter of fact, I start feeling ridiculous about myself after it occurs. My whole point, of this is, it's the same with all these obsessive type of fears. We make them out to be this really big Giant when the reality of the situation is they are little bitty ants. It is the anticipation that really is the worst part of fear. This is why it is so important to change your perspective, and understand the truth, on the fact your will never harm a person intentionally because the reality is that it is not going to happen. You will never actually "face this giant" you will always be in anticipation mode.

 

I know this was long. Let me know how you are doing! Trust in God and realize He truly is in control. I love Psalm 139. You should take time to sit down and read it over. It tells us so clearly that God is with us every second of every day and how He formed us. It also tells us that He has every day ordained for us from the day we were born to the day we die. HE KNOWS IT ALL!!!!

 

I also have thought to myself do you realize God still remembers that fear x,y,z I had back, say 5 years ago and long forgotten by me, but He still remembers it and He still loves me in spite of it! These fears will pass but His love for you will not. "Nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans Chapter 8 verse Chapter 39.

 

Have a wonderful day!

 

Carolyn N.

[ariel]

Carolyn,

Thank you again. What you are saying is so true and is really helping me put my fears into perspective. I have spent a lot of time the last couple days reading the Bible, especially Corinthians, Romans and Philippians, and I'm feeling so much calmer. I think just sharing my problem on this forum really helped too. Reading it back to myself my fears seem so silly. I think you are exactly right what you said about self identity. I have always been known as nice and caring, so these thoughts really caught me off guard. I can barely get myself to squash a bug in my house!

I've also been realizing that I need to give control over to God. I always saw myself as a calm, laid back person, until a few years ago when I went through something somewhat traumatic and completely out of my control. From then on I've become quite a control freak. I'm realizing that I can't control my thoughts and that realization is huge. When I'm not trying to control my thoughts, my obsessing isn't a problem.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond and give me so much helpful information. I know that God puts these trials into our lives to make us stronger, and I hope that someday I can help someone else the way you have helped me.

Sincerely,

Ariel

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again!

 

Well I am not so sleepy now, like last night at 1 a.m., and have been thinking and praying about my response to you today. I truly do pray that God will show you the answers and make it clear in your heart. You are a Christian so you are able to listen, in your heart, as to how God is directing you.

 

The other day, my Pastor said something that really put my emotions in perspective. He said "trying to change your emotional state is like trying to capture the wind with your hands". In other words, you just cannot force yourself to change your emotions. But what he did say you can do is "change your perspective". The change in perspective will ultimately change your emotions.

 

Ariel, please rest assured I have lived this practically my whole life, that you are dealing with an emotion of fear and nothing else. You said that you read the stories about people becoming suicidal and it put thoughts in your mind about "what if". With obsessive type thoughts it is ALWAYS the "what if" that captures your emotion. Every time I start obsessing over something I always have the same thing happen to me. I start thinking about x,y,z and all of a sudden my stomach sinks and then I feel a rush of fear come over me. The next thing I know I cannot stop thinking about it. It is like a self defense against the fear. But what I can tell you, is every time this has happened to me, once I do get the right perspective on the matter, it completely calms my fear down. Just like my Pastor said.

 

I can tell you the fear of harming children has been one of my biggest fears in my life. As a matter of fact, this past week I started fearing again with a certain thought about my children. I had to go back through and remind myself of all the truths I have learned. Once again I am calmed down but sometimes these things capture us in a moment and you wonder "now why did that thought not bother me yesterday but today it got me?" Normally I find it is because the day it captures me I am having other anxieties happen around me that heighten my sense of fear in general. Then I have a yucky thought enter my head and boom I am back into obsessing on x,y,z.

 

What God has shown me with my fear of harming others is our imaginations can come up with all kinds of unpleasant things. The problem is our emotion of fear does not realize it is an imagined event so it "feels real to us". Just like I referenced before with going to the movies. Our emotions believe these things can really happen like when we watch a scary movie and then are afraid to even walk outside the theater. So what I have had to do is start forcing truthful thoughts over those emotions. For example, I would say to myself "how many thousands of children and adults have I been around and ever done x,y,z to?". Of course the answer is none. Another example would be saying to myself that God has given me the ability not to do these things to a child or adult since I obviously do not desire to do so it is actually the exact opposite I detest it. I trust God's workmanship of me to know that since I don't want to do x,y,z I certainly will not.

 

Using scripture to speak truth to your emotions is a great. The Bible tells us very clearly to "Renew our minds with His truth" Romans Chapter 12 verse 2. I have found time and time again when I stay focused on His truths my anxiety is next to nothing. It is when I take my eyes off His truth that I get in trouble.

 

It is very important, as I stated in my previous post to start thanking God for the blessings in your life. This to me is really key. It will start putting those emotions back in place. Start thanking God for even what we would consider basic in our lives. But really is not basic when you stop to think about it. The ability to see, hear, walk, have food to eat, have a place to live, etc.

 

Ariel, can I tell you the fear of hurting our own children is far up on the fears for new mothers. But the good news is the love you feel for that child ultimately outweighs the discomfort of the fears. You will look back on your life, when you are a grandma, and think "yes that was stinky and yucky that I had those fears but the love, for my children, wow that is AWESOME and something I glad I did not miss out on".

 

The truth is Ariel you will more then likely have these fears with a new baby and even as they move out of babyhood BUT you are prepared already to expect them. I didn't know this and it came as a huge shock to me. Here I was with a brand new baby and terrified to hold him for fear of harming him. But God spoke into my heart, days after he was born, that I was not going to harm my baby and just to settle down. It took the fear away in an instant. So if you start fearing in a moment ask God to calm your heart. No one knows better then God how to do this.

 

Again, referencing my Pastor he said something that really puts life in general in perspective (again here is that word)! Think about what our God our creator made. The universe! To put the universe in somewhat of a perspective of size it would take 17 YEARS to fly to our sun in a standard commercial jet. Now consider the billions of stars He made. In the book of Isaiah, in the Bible, chapter 48 verse 13 it says "My own hand laid the foundations of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens". In Isaiah chapter 40 verse 12 it says "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens". My point is we are talking about our God, who is far beyond our ability to comprehend His amazement, and this God cares and loves you Ariel!. He can walk you through this and anything else that comes your way. He is very powerful! How can a God that can create something so magnificent and so beyond our ability to understand it not be able to help us with a problem such as yucky thoughts?

 

I wanted to share something else with you that really helped me. When my obsessive thoughts get going, again they still do at times, I go to the book of the Bible 1st Corinthians Chapter 13. It is all about how love is the only thing that will last forever and truly matters in the kingdom of God. So what that you think all kinds of yucky thoughts in your head, WE ALL DO, but what God is looking at is what IS TRULY IN YOUR HEART. He knows your true heart of not wanting to hurt people!

 

The other thing that came to me this week, and I just wonder if this is part of the reason I fear hurting others, is that if you met me you would say I am an all around "good" person. I really try to help others and deeply care for others. I think part of the fear for me is "if this did happen where I hurt someone" my goodness would be gone, in my minds eye, and that is a HUGE part of my identity. So in other words, I could never look at myself ever again the same and it would change completely my existence of who I am as a person. So the fear remains of the "what if" because I don't want to change who I know myself to be. But you know that God is truly the only one who can be considered good. Jesus told us that in the Bible. So am I trying to make myself like God in perfection by being able to only think perfect thoughts? So I wonder if it is not partly own self identity that is afraid? But the truth is, one way or another, I am a completely forgiven person since I accepted Christ's sacrifice on the cross for my sin. This is for past, present, and yes future sin. What good news is this and no matter what my self identity wants to come up with I am forgiven because of His Grace and not because of the good things I have done in my life. (Colossians Chapter 2 verse 13-15 and Ephesians Chapter 2 verse 8-10)

 

I also had a Pastor, a while back tell me, when you are trying to get to a place of peace and joy in your life you cannot target these things as your goal. There is an avenue to take before you can get there. It is called trust! He said you ultimately have to trust God before these things will happen. So I always try to remind myself to ask God "what is it that I am not trusting you about in this moment of time"? He has always shown me the answer when I truly seek His guidance.

 

Ariel, if you are having a really hard time with your thoughts you might want to consider going to a Christian counselor that does cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I found one, for my son, by doing a search on my insurances website. Many people on this forum have found CBT to help them get over through these kinds of thoughts.

 

The last thought I wanted to leave you with is something I read on another Internet site. As ridiculous as it sounds, I have this HUGE fear of throwing up. I have a panic type attack when I think it is going to happen. Anyhow, what I read is the main problem for people, with this fear, is that throwing up just does not happen very often. So for most people it can be years and years of not happening but yet anticipating it. So what happens is you never get the opportunity to "face the big giant fear in your mind" to actually realize it is only a tiny little ant. When I do end up throwing up I always have the same reaction "That was not such a big deal so why did I fret on this sooooooo much?". As a matter of fact, I start feeling ridiculous about myself after it occurs. My whole point, of this is, it's the same with all these obsessive type of fears. We make them out to be this really big Giant when the reality of the situation is they are little bitty ants. It is the anticipation that really is the worst part of fear. This is why it is so important to change your perspective, and understand the truth, on the fact your will never harm a person intentionally because the reality is that it is not going to happen. You will never actually "face this giant" you will always be in anticipation mode.

 

I know this was long. Let me know how you are doing! Trust in God and realize He truly is in control. I love Psalm 139. You should take time to sit down and read it over. It tells us so clearly that God is with us every second of every day and how He formed us. It also tells us that He has every day ordained for us from the day we were born to the day we die. HE KNOWS IT ALL!!!!

 

I also have thought to myself do you realize God still remembers that fear x,y,z I had back, say 5 years ago and long forgotten by me, but He still remembers it and He still loves me in spite of it! These fears will pass but His love for you will not. "Nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans Chapter 8 verse Chapter 39.

 

Have a wonderful day!

 

Carolyn N.

[CarolynN]

Ariel,

 

I am so glad this helped you. You are right on track by getting into His Word (the Bible). That is where you need to be. I heard a Pastor say, on the radio, when someone is going through something where emotions are really clouded the first thing he asks is "have you been in the Word". He said consistently the answer is no. I know this to be true for myself. When I do not stay focused on the Bible and renewing my mind with God's truths it is when I am most easily vulnerable to "believing my emotion of fear".

 

One suggestion I have for you is to keep a journal. When God shows me truths and I get that moment of "wow that makes sense" I write it down. This way when I am going through hard times again I can reference back. Otherwise I forget and that "gem of truth I learned has escaped me". Also many Christians also keep prayer journals so they can go back and really get a good picture of what God has done for them.

 

The last thing I wanted to say, and I was thinking this last night after I posted, is I have had obsessive thoughts since I was around 7. So I am know 37. For thirty years I have had a track record of these thoughts. So if you were to add up the hours upon hours of obsessive thoughts it would easily be in the thousands. Now I can tell you not one of my obsessions proved to be correct. That is not exactly a good track history. In other words, that emotion of fear has been incorrect 100% of the time. So why would I consider that "feeling" inside me to be reliable. I mean, truly, how sensible is that to rely on the fear emotion to run my life when it has been so wrong for so many years. The answer is not relying on that fear but pushing past the fear into truth. In other words, what does God say about the situation. The only way you will know is by studying the Bible. I focus particularly on the New Testament of the Bible (for those unfamiliar, who are reading this, it is the part of the Bible where Jesus comes to Earth and also after His death and ressurection. The Old Testament is prior to Jesus coming to Earth. It is setting the stage for His arrival). We are in a Bible study and I have learned soooooo much through this experience. I can say it has been one of the best experiences of my life. Also getting involved in a good Bible based Church is so key. I am very blessed to be part of a fantastic nondenominational Christian church in my area.

 

Have a blessed day Ariel!

 

Carolyn