Obsessions causing panic

[jondoe]

Hello. I an 18 year old male. Ever since the age of seven I have been having persistent disturbing thoughts of a violent and sexual nature, almost always about my family members. The strangest thing is that not once in my entire life has any one of my problems come from anyone or anything other than myself. When I was a kid I was always worrying about something or another and was on my way to becoming extremely obsessive compulsive. For example, I once went over to a friend's house to have dinner and I must have gotten up from the table to wash my hands 10 times. I was also extremely afraid of dangerous objects (Power tools, sharp things etc.) and still am at certain times.

 

I eventually began to keep my OCD symptoms in check and managed to calm them down significantly, however, I have never completely stopped the thoughts and have never been totally free of obsessions. Last summer I was quite happy, but this year has seemed to get worse and worse. I was very excited about the new year and had set many goals for myself, but for some reason my mental state seems to be getting shaky, and it frightens me. I have been behaving in ways that I do not understand, like, I will move my body in a certain way and then pause and try to analyze why I came to be in that position, fearing sexual reasons. I worry constantly about my motivations for simple activities like getting off of the couch, moving around etc. I worry about intentionally making sexual contact with my loved ones and or hurting them. This is causing me so much distress that I frequently think about suicide, although I have never attempted it.

 

My family members know nothing about my worries. The wierd thing is is that my life has always been great. I have been home-schooled all my life (my sister has been both home-schooled and public-schooled), my parents don't make me pay rent, they are loving and supporting etc. I would totally go to them for help...but because all of my issues stem from me being terrified of doing horrible things to them, I don't feel they should have to deal with that. I have been feeling as though I am trapped. I don't want them to have to go through the pain of having a son in a mental hospital, and I also don't want them to find me dead somewhere. I have thought of trying to hold out long enough until I can get some money together, get my driver's license (Can get it in june), find a place to live, and then engage in intensive therapy. I don't know what is wrong with me. I believe it to be a sort of OCD-like disorder, although I don't feel a need to perform very many ritualistic behaviors. I do check the stove several times and do little comulsive things, but they are not major. I mostly suffer from compulsive thoughts. It is important to note that I have never tortured an animal or been in a fight, and that people percieve me as being quite well adjusted...although I once wanted to be an actor, so maybe I am too good at it.

 

Would love to hear from anyone.

 

-Jon Doe

[Sheila]

Hi, Jon--I read your letter sent this morning and first want to offer my sympathies for what you are dealing with. I also want to encourage you to seek professional help right away.

 

I don't think you have to tell your parents everything that you are thinking--I would leave that to your doctor, as to how to handle it. The main thing is to tell them that you are troubled by thoughts that seem like ODC -- washing your hands, worrying, etc. (OCD has been in the news and on TV shows a lot lately. Do you think they are familiar with it? There is a lot of it now, so you are surely not alone.) You are lucky to have such a great family, and you know they would want to know so they can help you.

 

You may well find that what you need now is a treatment more related to fixing your brain chemistry than counseling therapy, though that can help you with all you have to deal wilth. Please tell your parentes this week, and start getting some help now. There is a whole new world out there for you!

 

This forum may be able to help you find environmental and dietary causes and natural approaches that could make a big difference in how your brain is reacting. But in the meantime you need to get additional assistance. Chances are some medication will be prescribed, and if so, you can ask the doctor to start slow and build up as needed. Once you get a handle on things, you and your family can work together at natural options whenever it seems right. When you find a therapist (maybe separate from the doctor) you could consider "cognitive therapy" which is helpful for many. They will know what it is.

 

Good luck and I hope you will keep in touch with us. Please watch your diet--no artificial flavors and colors, easy on sugars, eat regular meals with some good protein at every meal, and stay away from scented products and chemicals. Read other letters on this forum about nutrients, etc.

 

You need an immediate intervention right away, and your folks can help you with that. Does this make sense to you? Best wishes, Sheila

[jondoe]

Thank you Sheila. This is very difficult for me. Regarding nutrition, last summer I felt very good compared to now, and consequently I was eating barely any sugar, barely any saturated fat and taking supplements religiously. I was also pumping iron and doing cardio vascular activity. Lately, I have been lathargic and inactive, not even wanting to go to my martial arts classes for fears I will soon describe. This is a very long post I know, but I feel it necessary to describe in detail the kinds of things I worry about and the strange ways I behave.

 

I tend to latch on to something and worry about it until something else takes its place. At the time, the particular thing I am worrying about seems to be the most important thing. All of the things you are about to read disturbed me very much and are still rattling around in my mind upon my writing this. Rather than give you a basic idea of my obsessions, I am going to be very honest about my thoughts and behavior and give a detailed description of my day.

 

Here were obsessions from yesterday:

 

Got up. Went to computer. My mother came and sat down next to me to watch some conspiracy theory videos I had downloaded. I worried about sexually assulting her. (Cry) After that, my friend showed up for a surprise visit. I got panicky, I didn't really want to visit with him. I jogged to the computer to get rid of all the new-age ish type stuff I had been viewing (He's a christian and new age stuff to him might be sacriligious) and as I did, I passed between the island in our kitchen and a small table. On the table was a hammer. I thought my hands passed by the hammer, so I worried for a few hours about why I had done that, why my hands seemed to get close to the hammer. I was slightly agitated at the time...did I want to attack my friend with the hammer? God...this is so disturbing. I worried about that for two hours, trying to maintain a calm exterior.

 

Then we watched some videos on the computer and I was sitting on the floor. After a while, my friend went to get up. At the time he went to get up my mouth was slightly open. I think he was going passed me, but I don't close my mouth or move out of his way for a few seconds, I just sat there frozen. I worried about that for some time...why did I keep my mouth open while his crotch was near me? This is hard for me to talk about but I need some insight. After that we watched some TV for a while and then left to go to my martial arts class.

 

I had given my friend a card for two free trial lessons with the instructor. We did martial arts for an hour and I worried about making sure to not touch anyone inapropriatly. After martial arts we went to a store and I bought "King Kong" on dvd. Then we left for home.

 

When we got home I started preparing some chicken for myself. The knife I was using is very sharp. My sister went to pass me in the kitchen, and not wanting to touch her I leaned forward, but then the knife went forward somewhat in the direction of my friend and so I worried about that. Did I want to stab him?

 

After THAT we went into the living room and ate. My father was asleep on a cot, my friend took the couch and so I took a love-seat in between the cot and the couch. Once I finished eating I wanted to change positions. I lifted my legs to spread out on the love-seat and get more comfortable, but I froze when I realized that if my dad were awake, he might be able to see up my shorts from that angle,(though they are lined and I had underwear on so not really). I paused for a few seconds, then carefully brought my legs up on to the edge of the couch. I worried about this for a while. Did I want to expose myself?

 

This worried me so much that I carefully got up and went outside and started to bawl. After ten minutes of that I went into the bathroom downstairs to wash my face. I looked in the mirror and examined weather or not one could actually see anything up my shorts. I concluded no.

 

I started to feel mildly better and then went back up to watch some Television. By that time my friend had fallen asleep and I got very nervous. I tried to get out of my chair after a while, but was afraid of lifting my crotch high enough to get up. After a couple tries I slid my backside back against the couch, but this movement terrified me, as my shorts got lower on one side at the back, not low enough to come off, but low enough to maybe reveal some bare-###### if my behind wasn't in a chair. This terrified me. I almost remember wanting to slide my shorts off. Why? Why?? It's like I felt compelled to do this but then terrified that I did do it. I am so scared of molesting my family and friends, especially while they are vulnerable. I don't know what this means but it is terrifying me and I don't know how to help myself stop thinking and acting like this.

 

I am not a pychopath as I get startled easily and feel much emotional pain all the time. I don't know if I have some sort of paraphilia...that terrifies me. Why do I do these things? Get close to doing something but not actually do it and then worry about it incessantly for hours and hours until something else comes around to take its place? I am right now actually hoping for something non-sexual to worry about.

 

I have a wonderful life and a wonderful family and all of this terrifies me. I have spent most days like this for several weeks now and I have been experiencing things like this since I was very young. I just want to be a good person and not hurt anyone or worry about weather or not I have hurt people. I sometimes want to leave and live in the woods alone or go to a monestary where I hardly have to interact with people so I won't think about hurting them. Please, what is this? It's like some sort of impulse control freudian OCD sexual panic phobia. I just want this to all go away and feel nothing but innocent love for my friends and family. Any help will be valued. Thanks,

 

-Jon Doe

 

P.S. Do sleep paterns and cirdadian rhythm affect mood or behavior? I get about 7 hours of sleep, but I get to bed at around 4:00am lately and get up at around 12:30 or 1:00 O'Clock.

[Sheila]

Dear Jon, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I know it must be a hard thing for you to do.

 

You are being tormented by your mind, and there is help for that. But you have to get professional assistance. There is nothing I or anyone else can tell you that will fix this problem. Sleep patterns do make a difference for people, but what you are experiencing is too serious to have that make a big impact.

 

It's not right for you to be so troubled by something that is beyond your control--something that could be helped. Please don't continue to suffer alone. Tell one of your parents -- as I said, they don't need all the details -- they just need to know you are not able to control some of your your thoughts and obsessions. Share some of the less personal ones. And get to a specialist right away.

 

I would print this out and give it to them. Find something in it that you can relate to about types of thoughts and just say "that's what I have and I need help." Look how common it is!

 

Your family would feel terrible if they knew you were suffering. You are a good person. It's just that part of your brain is malfunctioning.

 

Please tell me you will do that. You deserve better than this. There is relief out there for you! You just have to be willing to let someone help you. Will you do that? Sheila