Looking for advice

[P_Mom]

Well, I am in need of some advice/direction/experiences. This is unrelated to PANDAS, but, this is the largest source of info. from parents that I have....so, I thought I could ask here. I hope you guys don't mind.

 

My older son, 11, is obviously in need of the "talk." We found some Google searches on history of the computer that let us know, for sure, he is interested in the opposite sex and all that goes with it. Thankfully, he didn't see too much and now my boys have their own access to the computer that is very limited. They can no longer log onto our regular account and do any random searches. I should have done that sooner.

 

This is new to me...I don't know what to say...how much to tell him at this point, etc. And, how much do I tell him about his own body "happenings?" After these searches...he complained of a stomach ache. I didn't tell him what it was likely from. Should have I? help!

 

Any advice? Any good books to recommend? How did those that went through it handle it?

Edited December 30, 2010 by P.Mom

[Kayanne]

Well, I am in need of some advice/direction/experiences. This is unrelated to PANDAS, but, this is the largest source of info. from parents that I have....so, I thought I could ask here. I hope you guys don't mind.

 

My older son, 11, is obviously in need of the "talk." We found some Google searches on history of the computer that let us know, for sure, he is interested in the opposite sex and all that goes with it. Thankfully, he didn't see too much and now my boys have their own access to the computer that is very limited. They can no longer log onto our regular account and do any random searches. I should have done that sooner.

 

This is new to me...I don't know what to say...how much to tell him at this point, etc. Help!

 

Any advice? Any good books to recommend? How did those that went trhough it handle it?

We had the talk this summer with my 9 year old. She was getting exposed to some wrong ideas on the playground, and started to ask questions. Also, she is going to hit puberty early...so we found some online NOVA show to explain the basics. She was a bit freaked out, and I just told her that when you are older, and in love, it is really wonderful, and it leads to the blessings of children. She seemed to accept that for now.

 

I would venture to say, your son probably knows the basics already. You may be looking for something along the lines of the consequences of his actions. I have heard of a book called What's Love Got to Do With IT?, but I cannot say for sure if it is a good resource. I always liked the title.

 

I don't know how much OCD/anxiety your boys have suffered through (if any), but I know my husband has suffered horrible guilt (and me too to some extent because of our religious upbringing) over things that are natural. I think his anxiety and OCD tendencies have made this type of thing worse for him. So, I just wanted to point that out.

[dcmom]

Great book "sex and sensibility". About talking openly with kids

 

the main idea being NOT to have the talk, but to bring conversation about sex, and very importantly love relationships and your values within those conversations

 

have these conversations daily, informally, somewhat matter of factly

 

the book will be really helpful in getting you going

[JAG10]

Kelly,

 

Wow, you must have been reading my mind with my older having just turned 11 I know we are over due. I guess I've been putting it off until she is better cognitively and won't fixate (or at least not in an OCD way) about any info I would give her. Am I making excuses to kick this can down the road a couple more months? Yeah, I think I am. She still watches Sponge Bob AND thinks it's hysterical.... Of course, so does her dad. Oh for crying out loud, we sound pitiful!

 

Let me know how it goes!

Jill

[KaraM]

I read "It's so Amazing" with my 10, now 11 year old son about 6 months ago. That's the second of three books, the first being "It's not the Stork." It may be a little entry level given the searches your child did, but it may also be a good entry point and pre-cursor to the third book, "It's Perfectly Normal." I haven't read that one with my son yet (or given it to him to read in the privacy of his own room), primarily because he hasn't expressed interest - but I think I can see it coming. He knows it's here and on a book case.

 

Here is a link with a description to the last one I mentioned.

 

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/222507.It_s_Perfectly_Normal

 

Good luck!!

 

Kara

[P_Mom]

Thanks, Everyone. Yes, I know I am way overdue with my son. He is a mature 11 year old. Should have done it years ago. As far as the OCD stuff...I understand, and thanks. However, my older son has never displayed any OCD tendencies, so, I think we are ok with that part. When he was confronted with what my husband found.....he began to sob. My huband and I tried repeatedly (probably too much) to tell him it was okay and normal for him to be curious. In no way did we make him feel like he did something wrong. But, he sobbed and said he "felt stupid" for doing it. He was embarrassed. I felt so bad. So, we for sure have to do something soon. I agree he probably knows more than we think. I don't think he knows the basics (if we are talking sex).....he has never done anything or shown any interest in girls (although I deal with my share of phone calls/prank calls from girls for him almost weekly) But, for sure he knows something and is curious. Am I being naive? My husband tried to talk with him a bit, and he just hid his head under the pillow. Atleast he was listening. When I mentioned some books he could read...he got defensive and said "no". I like the idea of kinda making it informal like Dc mom said. Maybe if I just get a book or two and leave it on his nightstand? Then, my husband and I could bring thhings up slowly and sporadicallY?

 

Jill...I know every episode of Spongebob. (not of my choice) Both boys still watch it........my husband, too. If it is on.........can't escape it.

 

Oh my...just realized how pitiful I am. My husband just told me that when he was telling my older son that it was normal and that all boys are curious and do stuff like that...my younger, just turned 8 in Oct., son, piped up and said "yeah...I did that before, Dad."

Edited December 30, 2010 by P.Mom

[KaraM]

So maybe "It's So Amazing" would be a good place to start. I did read portions of that that with my son and then he took it and finished it on his own.

It's well done - while we were reading together there were a few awkward spots for him - but not too bad for me.

There are a couple of cartoon characters on the sidelines of all the pages, one of which finds all the facts fascinating, the other covers his ears and eyes and wants to talk about something else. Each kid probably identifies a little bit with both characters.

 

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/816473.It_s_So_Amazing_

[P_Mom]

I just ordered the 3 series of books mentioned....'It's not the stork", etc. Yes, probably starting out with books he will know everything about, but, yikes! I just want to cover all bases. I don't know how, but, my son came over to me and said, as I was clicking 'order', that he will never read the books! ! I don't know how he saw what I was looking at...that kid has hawk eyes! I am getting them anyway and leaving them one by one in his room. Why does this freak me out????

 

 

 

 

DcMom...I tried to pm you. In box full. I'd like to chat. make room?????

Edited December 31, 2010 by P.Mom

[smartyjones]

I just ordered the 3 series of books mentioned....'It's not the stork", etc.

 

 

hey - thanks for posting. . . we have it's not the stork and i very much like it. been meaning to get the next one and haven't gotten around to it -- thanks for reminding me. my kids are younger but we read it together much and they have gone through phases of very much reading it on their own when it's just been on the bookshelf with all the other books.

 

older son is getting shy and was even shy when we were talking about life cycles of animals. . . so i was definitely planning on having the next step book sitting around b/c he's getting to not want to talk/hear about it. (from us anyway) don't think he'll be reading that with us.

 

i think dcmom has it right. . . i remember when they were much younger similar feelings about talking about death. . . i didn't even tell them one of the goldfish had died until the neighbor boy noticed it. i then tried to bring it up casually -- leaves dying in the fall, flowers dying, squirrels dying - the circle of life. the more i did it just in passing, the easier it got. have to start it about sex too. thanks for the prod!

Edited December 31, 2010 by smartyjones

[browneyesmom]

I don't know what your beliefs are, but I have utilized a set of books: God's Design for Sex - it's a 4-part series that grows with kids as they mature & reveals more info as they get older. We've read them together at times & sometimes, she likes to look over them herself, which is fine. Here is the link to the set of books we got, if you are interested: http://www.christianbook.com/gods-design-for-sex-books-revised/stan-jones/pd/060130 I have found these to be great starting points for conversations.

 

I also have open dialogue with her routinely and she will just outright ask specific questions that seem out of the blue sometimes, but I know it has been in her thoughts. I take those opportunities to talk with her about her body & how wonderfully created she is, sex (at each age she is able to handle... bits of info at a time - not all at once - although at 11 now, she knows most of it at this point) & guidance about our beliefs. When she seems to have had enough discussion, we drop it for then... but I will work my beliefs about things into daily life so she has clear guidance & knows I'm open to talking with her anytime she wants.

[PhillyPA]

Funny story - I told my son when he was 4 years old all about the birds and the bees. I talked to him like I was talking about the weather. He is 6 1/2 now. Recently we were talking about a couple who are married who don't have children. My son piped up "Oh, I guess he didn't put his penis in her vagina yet."

 

My advice to people curious about this topic is to tell their kids as young as possible. That way, there is no hang-ups, no imput yet from other kids, they don't yet have any taboos about the subject. It is so much easier. I also told him what birth control is and that he should wait until he is married and in love. I told him that when he is a teenager sex is all he will think about. I also told him that the internet has lots of sex sites and it can be scary if he comes across them (although we don't allow him on the internet except to check the weather forcast).

 

I even told him what semen looks likes and not to be scared if it comes out of his body.

 

I felt strongly that I wanted to be the one to tell him about all of this. He goes to Catholic school. I know that the church has strong feelings about birth control and sex but I am a realist. I don't want him to be harboring the Catholic Guilt that so many Catholics are well aware of...

 

It is my hope that because he is armed with all of this information he will be smart and WAIT!!

[kimballot]

My suggestion is to do it when your child is feeling well and not in exacerbation. I did not realize my son was in an exacerbation when I told him and it really fed into the OCD stuff. We are past that now, but it was not a good thing at the time.

[P_Mom]

Thanks everyone! It really helps. I ended up getting all the books mentioned 'cause I couldn't make up my mind! So, I'll have them on hand when we are done with them if anybody needs them! We are Christian, so, I liked the Christian based books....however, I am not sure if they will lead to my son feeling guilty or afraid about things....soooo, I got them all and will blend them together.....taking points from each book. Yikes. I hope it goes well. We will start when all books have arrived (about a week)...then my husband and I will review them and then read them together with him the parts we feel are good and necessary at this point. I want to read it with him because I want the lines of communication open and to get him to feel comfortable talking with things like that with us openly. If I just put the books in his room to read...well, he may not feel comfortable openly talking with us... and, I don't want that to happen.

 

Good point about not being in PANDAS episode. The son I am referring to is my older son.....he has always been a mild case with no ocd, anxiety, etc....just tics. He has been symptom free since June....so, we are in a good place with him. Now, my younger son might be a different story. He is eight....maybe I'll start with him the stork book when it comes. I think I waited too long with my older son. But, better late than never. Oh, the searches I referred to....just pictures of women in the buff.....he did not search sex, so, I think we are good with that.

 

Happy New Year everyone!

[browneyesmom]

hehe... better over-prepared, than under. I did start with some very low level basics when my daughter was in third grade and announced to me one day that while she tries to keep her mind on her schoolwork, sometimes it just keeps spinning to the "cutsie-boy file"!

 

My ex also got my daughter an American Girl book about her body (for Mommy to discuss with her - Ha!) and I have also gotten her some and I'd just love to share the titles with you, but... um... I can't locate them in the mess that used to be her bedroom before PANDAS. Sounds like you have a nice mix; I'm sure it will help open some dialogue.

[P_Mom]

Okay...got 2 books today..."It's Not The Stork" and "It's Perfectly Normal". Oh my! Starting with "It's not the stork" tonight for both boys (8 and 11). The book is for ages 4 and up!! Wow! Not sure about that.....gives a pretty decent account of things. I didn't get the middle book yet. But, I know I won't be sharing it with my younger son...my older son...hopefully. The last book "It's perfectly normal" for ages 10 and up....wow...no way. I can't share all that stuff with him yet. Those ages are much too low ( in my opinion) Maybe I am just being naive. But, atleast I am starting tonight. I expect my older son to hide under the pillows and my younger son to be amazed and asking all kinds of questions.

 

Oh geez...someone tell me they won't obsess about "men putting their penis into a woman's vagina!" Am I even gonna be able to read that part to them?

 

 

On a side note: I threw away half of an Augmentin 500 last night and felt like I was throwing away gold! Anyone relate?

 

Also, I just noticed today my younger son had thrown away a ripped pair of undies he has. They are cute boxers that got ripped while the boys were rough-housing. This happened two years ago (the exact same thing)....and he threw a fit and cried for about an hour over the ripped boxers and would not throw them away. He insisted I keep them and fix them. Another good sign! Thrown away boxers!

Edited January 3, 2011 by P.Mom