repeating back concerns

[smartyjones]

disclaimer - my son is not in exacerbation and in the past few weeks, has been handling disappointments, upsets and inflexibilties fairly well.

 

i've written before that i find the technique from the explosive child of repeating back the concern very helpful. i don't so much believe it does anything to change his thoughts or even behavior, it's more that it helps me remain calm and involved with him but not engaged, so as to not escalate a problem.

 

first, i realize i could have/should have let go of this and just had him pick his own clothes but once we got into it, i felt i had to hold my ground b/c he was being rude and yelling. and of course, it's almost 80 degrees but I got too wrapped up in the point of his attitude. so please overlook my poor parenting of being stuck on minor details.

 

this morning, i said i wanted my boys to wear long pants b/c it was still kind of chilly in the am. they said they wanted to wear shorts. i said, it's chilly, i'd prefer you wear long pants. my older, non-pandas son put on his pants. younger, pandas - "NO! everybody's wearing shorts. I'M WEARING SHORTS!" -- on and on. we started to ignore this b/c we have to get on with life of getting ready -- i had a dr's appt plus painter coming to paint this morning. he usually doesn't so much care about what he wears.

 

everyone got downstairs with him with no pants on and still many variations of "I'm wearing shorts! I have to wear shorts!" my husband tries to reason - "it's chilly. today can be the last day of jeans and then if it's warm tomorrow, you can wear shorts." met by "NO! NO! NO!" and more.

 

then we remembered to repeat. my husband repeated back ds's words a few times. then ds found a quarter on a table, ran up to his room to put it in his piggybank and came downstairs with his jeans. a few minutes later, he asked where his jeans were. "by the stairs". he went and put them on.

 

i think it's something in the repeating that validates his concern but doesn't engage with it and then he can switch tracks in his mind. of course, it doesn't always work as well as today but it's usually helpful on some level.

[dut]

hi - I like the book in that it too has helped me see just how Plan A I am, with the odd Plan C thrown in when exhausted :-)

 

Plan B stuff has helped to ward off a few tantrums, mainly with my 2 yr old but also a few with my 6 yr old. I hate to think I'm tarring everything with the PANDAS brush but so many of the kids in the book scream PANDAS at me. It was so like my dd6 when in an episode. The rigidity they speak of with so many of these kids feels like OCD to me and the defiance, sensory issues and rages/tantrums followed by apologies. They want to be good but they're heads won't let them.....

 

I think the messages in the book are meant for "stick" parents like me who should be using "carrot" much more