The Explosive Child

[dcmom]

Susan- I think the workbook will really help you and your daughter handle issues. Meg's mom has given me so much direction with the ocd. I have realized I had to change my parenting decisions in what to accomodate, and when to be tough. I do try to anticipate, but not to avoid the situation (like I used to), but to maintain calm and help her anticipate her stress, and come up with ways to deal with it.

 

I have to say my little one is so strong and creative, she will make up a compulsion, and get through anything. The older one uses avoidance more- which is a bit harder to tackle.

 

A funny note- they BOTH now have bathing/showering issues. It is that they don't like the feel when they get out of the tub, until they are completely dry. (This was NEVER an issue before pandas). The older one avoided bathing for a month- she is now back to it and doing well. The younger one came up with a complicated routine of getting dry. I was telling my dad about this, and he (as I might have done before learning about ocd) suggested getting a small heater for the bathroom because maybe they are cold. I had to give him a quick ocd "lesson", that I would be enabling their compulsions. I said in this case, they just have to "get used to it" (guti- a term we use a lot). So in that sense, I am learning to be tougher on not making everything better for them. On the other hand, I have learned to let go (a little bit) of always being on time for stuff, always getting all the homework done, beds being made in the morning, etc. It is just that they need different boundaries than they used to.

[jayjay]

I read the book before my son was diagnosed with PANDAS. I was convinced that he was an “explosive child.” We went to a therapist weekly who was trying to help us use the plans. For weeks my homework was to find what triggered his explosions. Each week I would return and tell him that there was no specific trigger to any of these episodes. And every week the therapist would look at me and shake his head back and forth with a “ there is a trigger, you are just not seeing it” look in his eyes. Guess he couldn’t tell that I spent 24/7 trying. During this time we saw another Dr. and she suspected my son might have PANDAS. I told this to the therapist the next time we saw him and he said to me, “No wonder it wasn’t working, this method probably would not work well on a child with OCD” Like dcmom said, I think the “explosive child” is an excellent method to use on a healthy child. I think it is an excellent way to handle disagreements in general, but trying to use it with a child in an exacerbation just added to our frustration.

 

PS: we live in CT and my son has worn shorts every day this winter. He actually built a snowman while wearing shorts! I've learned to pick my battles...clothing is not one of them.

 

I totally agree with clothes not being one of my battles but it is one of HERS and then she wants me to fix the unfixable. I am hoping the book will give us some format to try to stay alive until we get her cured. Maybe it won't work. If so, I may just have to run away.

 

Susan

I know my battle about clothes does not compare to yours because he is fine with any shorts and t-shirt I give him to wear and thankfully, we do not have to wear uniforms. I do know how hard it is to fix the unfixable. In my case, the "explosive child" method did not work for the OCD, but like some have already mentioned, there are books out there that do help. I'm so sorry you/we all have to go through this.

[smartyjones]

I see the need for me to work on my own frustration skills so I can deal with her.

I immediately jumped from calm to about to freak myself because of her reaction and because it was a problem I was not going to be able to "fix" in 1 minute..

I spent my time trying to stay calm, which makes her think I'm mad because I'm not talking and breathing slow when inside I'm about to blow.

So, in trying to figure out The Explosive Child and the baskets and stuff, where does this fit in?

Susan

 

there has been so much good info given here. i am one who is a huge advocate of that book. my son is one to have inappropriate flight or fight reactions, not seemingly tied to a web of thoughts (although i am willing to see that could be under the surface). he can let go of the issue according to something that makes sense to him, but is not something other's can figure out to help 'fix'. i'm not sure how much it makes sense to him either - it's more of just if it feels right or wrong. we have had some success with getting him to state if there's 'a reason or no reason'. - he's fairly good with "there's no reason or there's a reason but i don't want to tell you."

 

i think the value of that book for me is in my actions and reactions when he is "exploding", not really that it is changing anything of how he is acting/perceiving/behaving. that it's not changing him or his thoughts - as in what meg's mom said about it not being for ocd. i don't think i actually use the 'basket concepts' from that book. i do bring it up at a calm moment and ask for his solutions and what he thinks we should do, then try to remind him that he said he wanted me to X - he's usually not so receptive to that in the heat of the moment. but he does come up with solutions in the calm time and i think appreciates the concept of partnering to find solutions.

 

i can't fully remember but i guess that would be that i'm using the 'emergency techniques' which according to the book, are good but not the full picture. for me, that what i find the most helpful b/c i need the emergency techniques b/c i don't think he's behaving like this due to psychological reasons that can be fixed with behavior mod but rather due to medical reasons that need healing.

 

for my son, the best thing is to not engage with him. previously, i knew this but didn't know how to do it. now, i repeat back to him what he is saying. "it's all your fault" - "it's all my fault"; "i need to get dressed with brother" - "you need to get dressed with brother". depending, i can say it like a fact or a question or a joke or whatever. this would be instead of what you're doing when you say I spent my time trying to stay calm, which makes her think I'm mad because I'm not talking and breathing slow when inside I'm about to blow. it sounds like you're trying to not engage with her but you're focusing on keeping yourself calm and that's upsetting to her and you're still perpetuating some negative cycle. simply repeating back what she's saying keeps you involved with her, but not engaged.

 

for him, sometimes it can be simple "i'm not going to california tortilla" - "you're not going?" - "NO!" - "no?" -- this makes him reevaluate the ridiculousness of that b/c he loves going out to eat and loves that place. a few minutes of silence, then "okay, i am going". repeating is very helpful for his knee-jerk reflexive negativity.

 

it is helpful in more complicated too - a big freak-out b/c he wants to get dressed at the exact same time as his brother (which i actually believe to be an element of separation anxiety). "i need to get dressed with him" - "you need to get dressed with him" -- this is a more complicated issue and we still haven't uncovered what's driving it. however, repeating helps to keep the level down and we can move toward some sort of solution rather than having things spin out of control. today he wanted his brother to come back up and take his clothes off to get dressed together. we were able to relatively calmly get to asking his brother to come upstairs and be in the room while he got dressed. we had tried a desensitization with this but got off track with it - he has done well with steps before and we need to begin that again - however, the repeating and talking about reaching a solution that works for everyone is helpful in the heat of the moment.

 

so it sounds to me that you're a bit in the same boat as us to look at this book as a 'heat of the moment' help and suggestions for having her involved in solutions and use the other workbook to get to the root of the issues. good luck!

[Suzan]

so it sounds to me that you're a bit in the same boat as us to look at this book as a 'heat of the moment' help and suggestions for having her involved in solutions and use the other workbook to get to the root of the issues. good luck!

 

Thanks Smarty, I was hoping you would weigh in. What you have said is helpful. I think I am not to the emergency techniques section yet but I will be able to finish the book this weekend.

 

This morning, when she started to get upset about her clothes and other things, I was able to say "I see you are getting frustrated, please use words so I will know what might be frustrating you". She was able to then tell me something (although still mean and nasty but at least it was words) and that seemed to difuse things a little.

 

Also, I saw her getting upset when her sister told her to move over off of her side of the couch. I distracted her sister for a few minutes and told dd8 that when I was done with dd7, I was going to ask her to move. This really helped a lot to give her a moment to get over her inital reaction and slide over.

 

Separation anxiety must be affecting us too because she does get upset if she gets left upstairs alone in the morning and I get impatient with her because I can't always just stand up there while she does whatever she needs to do.

 

I'm going to try the repeat back technique tonight and see how that goes.

 

She wrote a lot in her OCD workbook last night and I was surprised by some of them, that she even was aware that they might be issues for her. We are enjoying that time together so for that alone it was worth it.

 

Susan

[Megs_Mom]

so it sounds to me that you're a bit in the same boat as us to look at this book as a 'heat of the moment' help and suggestions for having her involved in solutions and use the other workbook to get to the root of the issues. good luck!

 

I'm going to try the repeat back technique tonight and see how that goes.

 

She wrote a lot in her OCD workbook last night and I was surprised by some of them, that she even was aware that they might be issues for her. We are enjoying that time together so for that alone it was worth it.

 

Susan

 

That is so great, Susan - so cool that she is really enjoying the workbook. For our daughter, that book was a turning point in her understanding of her illness. I remember her running downstairs with the book, shouting to her dad "daddy, I have OCD, and lots of kids do, look there is a whole book about me!!!" She was way more ready that her dad & I were to talk about OCD. I had crossed out the work OCD in the book & written in "worryman", our name for the feeling that overwhelmed her. It was a moment of change for all of us and changed my attitude towards OCD.

 

For those that may someday read this thread and be confused about the references, the workbook is called "What to do When Your Brain Gets Stuck" and it is a great workbook for kids from the age of about 6-12. The other book, while not specifically for OCD tools is the title of the thread "The Explosive Child".

[Suzan]

That is so great, Susan - so cool that she is really enjoying the workbook. For our daughter, that book was a turning point in her understanding of her illness. I remember her running downstairs with the book, shouting to her dad "daddy, I have OCD, and lots of kids do, look there is a whole book about me!!!" She was way more ready that her dad & I were to talk about OCD. I had crossed out the work OCD in the book & written in "worryman", our name for the feeling that overwhelmed her. It was a moment of change for all of us and changed my attitude towards OCD.

 

For those that may someday read this thread and be confused about the references, the workbook is called "What to do When Your Brain Gets Stuck" and it is a great workbook for kids from the age of about 6-12. The other book, while not specifically for OCD tools is the title of the thread "The Explosive Child".

 

Tonight I'll try to write some of the things that she wrote because I do have questions about them. I think I am the worlds worst student about understanding OCD!

 

Susan

[dcmom]

Susan- Have you read the book cover to cover by yourself? I think it takes a while, as a parent, to see where it is going. I loved the tools it teaches for when ocd comes up ie: delay, give it a limit, do the opposite, etc. This gives you ACTUAL concepts to discuss with your daughter before, during and after and ocd issue comes up. SHE can choose the tool that she is most comfortable dealing with first. Give it a limit was a huge help for some of our issues with older daughter. Younger daughter and I are still working daily on a residual ocd issue she has. At one point (when I was getting a little zealous) she had to even hold me back, by saying "But Mom, doesn't the book say to start with the easiest one (obsession) first, and then work up to the harder ones?" "Why yes, dear!" She is six