aspergers and dating

[tasha011188]

for the past 8 months, i have been dating a man with minor asperger's. he was diagnosed at 14, and although i have known throughout our relationship that he has asperger's, it has never bothered me nor embarassed me. recently, however, our relationship has been "on the rocks" if you will, and he has had some doubts about whether or not he can have a stable relationship or if he is simply meant to be alone his whole life. i love him VERY much and am willing to do anything it takes to help or make things easier for him. does anyone have advice?

[tictoc]

Hi. I'm pretty sure I don't have AS but have some behavioral characteristics similar to AS @ the 'social aversion' dimension. Generally aversive-affective, if you will, but acquired. So, the tension in me between the way I'm probably not (intrinsically) and the way I apparently was/am (acquired) was a puzzlement in my two marriages, to be sure (similar to your case, both known from the beginning). It had an effect on intimacy and in general, but I think that was secondary to the effect on parenting. I was hesitant to having children and my first wife agreed to that in our marriage but she changed and got panicky about never having children and we got divorced. My attitude evolved into apprehension and uncertainty, and I got re-married, well in love, feeling that I would be willing to have kids, but thinking that I'm not the fatherly type. I have 2 children (who know this story) and they assure me that I've been a good father. [Gee, you'd never know you're...whatever, you know, Dad?" I don't know, though........[still kind of wary/uncertain, see?. This part sux, I can tell you! But I think it's PT not AS; they're apparently hard to distinguish if you didn't know [as in placebo]. And, despite my reticence, I would welcome any questions you might have, because I know this is a difficult area. Best wishes + [[[[[[ ]]]]]].

[Mysterious_Creature]

I have Aspergers, and apparently that scares guys off. Every guy I've ever cared for had rejected me in a rather painful manner. There's a guy I like right now, but he'll only reject me, too. Just like all the others.

 

Its pointless for me to have those feeling for anyone, as I will only get hurt every time. They'll tell me in subtle hints that I'm not good enough, that I'm creepy, and that I'm weird. They'll tell me the reasons they wouldn't be good for me, which I've learned is only masking a more direct statement:

 

"I'm not interested in you. I don't want you. You're not good enough. Stop liking me."

 

Yes I'm bitter. Yes I'm afraid to have feelings for anyone. I'm so sick of being rejected and hurt. Nobody can love me. It also doesn't help that I'm fat and ugly. No guys want girls like me. I'm fat, ugly, and I refuse to conform to society's image of 'feminine'.

[tasha011188]

that is the most horrible thing i've ever heard. those guys aren't real men. they are shallow creeps. my boyfriend has asperger's and i see him as normal. because really, who is "normal" if everyone's different anyway? i love him more than i could ever express and i hope you can find someone who will love you like i love my boyfriend.

[tictoc]

I have Aspergers, and apparently that scares guys off. ...Yes I'm bitter. Yes I'm afraid to have feelings for anyone. I'm so sick of being rejected and hurt. Nobody can love me. It also doesn't help that I'm fat and ugly. No guys want girls like me. I'm fat, ugly, and I refuse to conform to society's image of 'feminine'.

Hey, Mysterious. Peace. My 1st wife was fat and not ugly but not 'pretty'. I was skinny, sickly [acquired] and not 'handsome'. But we were both empathetic, albeit pretty pathetic individuals. But pretty intelligent. Enough to not let 'them' get away with doing a number on us. Good for us. Bitter but better. F them! Just make sure that if you DO stumble across another pathetic but wonderful individual like yourself, or s/he you, that you don't miss something that could indeed change your life, and vice versa. I know that sounds NT and maybe it is, but you Aspies are direct, so...well, there you have it. If I were ASpie maybe I wouldn't feel this way, but I honestly don't know and don't give a hoot whether I am or am not. You hurt about this kind of thing, I send empathy and support. Mercy.

[Guest Titiana]

I too have been dating a man with mild Asperger's. His initial diagnosis was "High functioning" Autism. We met online and I've known about his Autism/Aspergers since before we ever met offline. Once he told me about what was thought to have been "just" high functioning Autism I began doing research and reading up on the subject. There seems to be precious little out there in the way of information about Adults with Autism, or Aspergers.

 

We just celebrated our third month together. We know there are challenges ahead and have already faced several in just the past few weeks.

 

We have what feels like a strong bond already and have agreed to be exclusive. However, he too has doubts about whether of not he will/should end up alone for the rest of his life. I love him and am willing to learn, read, do whatever it takes to help him and keep us together.

 

He is the kindest, most caring man I've ever known and he says he trust me, still I can feel his pain and it breaks my heart to know he thinks he's unworthy.

 

Can anyone that's been there help us?

[Titiana]

Yes, if this looks familair I did post this before. However, when I did so I was not a member. I have since signed on as a memeber and still have the same issues. I am hoping one of you will read this and see that as I am now a registered member you may wish to respond. I am in need of help here... so please...

 

I too have been dating a man with mild Asperger's. His initial diagnosis was "High functioning" Autism. We met online and I've known about his Autism/Aspergers since before we ever met offline. Once he told me about what was thought to have been "just" high functioning Autism I began doing research and reading up on the subject. There seems to be precious little out there in the way of information about Adults with Autism, or Aspergers.

 

We just celebrated our third month together. We know there are challenges ahead and have already faced several in just the past few weeks.

 

We have what feels like a strong bond already and have agreed to be exclusive. However, he too has doubts about whether of not he will/should end up alone for the rest of his life. I love him and am willing to learn, read, do whatever it takes to help him and keep us together.

 

He is the kindest, most caring man I've ever known and he says he trust me, still I can feel his pain and it breaks my heart to know he thinks he's unworthy.

 

Can anyone that's been there help us?

[Guest Suzanne6090]

Men with AS are somewhat better at dating than most blokes.

They are less likely to cheat, and sleep around, or have affairs - and they manage to act like every other Joe Bloggs (most of them, depends on level of disability!)

 

I am not an expert in this field but I can safely confirm this.

 

It is proven by Professor Broadbent's research into this subject.

[Titiana]

Suzanne,

I have to agree with you. I posted a few months ago voicing my concerns about dating a man with AS, as they can be less communicative than other men. He has a very mild form of AS, still he struggles to feel he can be understood.

 

I have found him to be sincere and attentive, caring and willing to learn and experience new things. He knows he sometimes still has a need to "Try too hard," his words not mine. We have been through so much even an almost dalliance on his part this summer when he was spending weekends out of town. Still, he came clean about it before anything could come of it, and as we are now entering our fifth month together we are talking about a (Real), future together.

 

We are still learning, still growing, all the while our appreciation for our differences has deepened and strengthened our love for one another. He is the man I've waited for all my life and he knows this. We know it won't be easy.

It hasn't been, but it has been the most rewarding relationship either one of us have ever experienced.

[Guest Axel]

Men with AS are somewhat better at dating than most blokes.

They are less likely to cheat, and sleep around, or have affairs - and they manage to act like every other Joe Bloggs (most of them, depends on level of disability!)

 

I am not an expert in this field but I can safely confirm this.

 

It is proven by Professor Broadbent's research into this subject.

What study is that?

[Guest illthinkofitsoon]

I'm a guy with AS and i just want to say to Titiana (i know this is a little late to say this!) that even though your boyfriend feels that he is unworthy of you, i can tell you that he problably feels an insurmountable gratitude and love for you that you actually notice him and love him. As for your most recent post, you two are amazing. Good luck!

[dibbles]

I'm a guy with AS and i just want to say to Titiana (i know this is a little late to say this!) that even though your boyfriend feels that he is unworthy of you, i can tell you that he problably feels an insurmountable gratitude and love for you that you actually notice him and love him. As for your most recent post, you two are amazing. Good luck!

7834[/snapback]

 

 

How does one get determined with AS to know he or she has it for sure.

I am new in the business regarding my son so any bit of information

would certainly be valid to me. Much appreciation.

[lau_systemofadown]

well i have AS and i find it easyer to understand what a person wants if they explain what they want. so in ur case its better to explain every thing in ur relationship u dont like about him and then tell him u still love and respect him and he will let out any information to help the situation get better

[shelli]

hiya,

my boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD as a child due to his wild behaviour, i question this diagnosis as i have since been reading about aspergis syndrome and i really do beleive that my boyriend has it.

 

As i have not known about this untill now, we have had many silly arguments, because of my failure to understand his inability to read my feelings and emotions. spending so much time with him was becoming tedious and frustrating due to his obsessions on particular subjects. also becuase i didnt know about aspergis, i often thought his behaviour and input into conversation was rude and eccentric. Im hoping now that i have learnt a little about the syndrome, that maybe il b able to cope a little better. the problems seem to arise in social situations when his behaviour can be 'in your face' and often frighten his friends. also just sitting on the sofa having a chat can end up in a huge argument because of his inabilty to read social cues, or read my emotions. It was getting frustrating that i have to explain my feelings in depth, otherwise he does not understand. if i tell him he's upset me, he always thinks that he has merely anoyyed me. a conversation that would normally last 5 minutes, lasts about 20! simply because i have to explain everything over and over again!

 

we are both seventeen and he is very loving, loyal and caring, he apreciates me and the fact that i love him, we have a fantastic relationship and really trust each other, and now im hoping that things will get much better as i can now understand his behaviour. his mother has taken him to the GP and decribed her thoughts that her son may have aspergis, but her thoughts were dismissed, the GP beleives he has ADHD but i strongly feel that this diagnosis is incorrect. i have been finding it a little difficult and think it would be helpful to hear someone elses experiences. im not finding it easy, especially with us being so young. i think i just need a bit of guidance on dealing with it.

 

i love him so much i cannot begin 2 describe the feelings i have for him. I like the fact that he is eccentric and wild with his friends, but sometimes it can be innapropriate. im getting frustrated and i have been very confused! i really want to make it work!

[shazza5]

hiya,

my boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD as a child due to his wild behaviour, i question this diagnosis as i have since been reading about aspergis syndrome and i really do beleive that my boyriend has it.

 

As i have not known about this untill now, we have had many silly arguments, because of my failure to understand his inability to read my feelings and emotions. spending so much time with him was becoming tedious and frustrating due to his obsessions on particular subjects. also becuase i didnt know about aspergis, i often thought his behaviour and input into conversation was rude and eccentric. Im hoping now that i have learnt a little about the syndrome, that maybe il b able to cope a little better. the problems seem to arise in social situations when his behaviour can be 'in your face' and often frighten his friends. also just sitting on the sofa having a chat can end up in a huge argument because of his inabilty to read social cues, or read my emotions. It was getting frustrating that i have to explain my feelings in depth, otherwise he does not understand. if i tell him he's upset me, he always thinks that he has merely anoyyed me. a conversation that would normally last 5 minutes, lasts about 20! simply because i have to explain everything over and over again!

 

we are both seventeen and he is very loving, loyal and caring, he apreciates me and the fact that i love him, we have a fantastic relationship and really trust each other, and now im hoping that things will get much better as i can now understand his behaviour. his mother has taken him to the GP and decribed her thoughts that her son may have aspergis, but her thoughts were dismissed, the GP beleives he has ADHD but i strongly feel that this diagnosis is incorrect. i have been finding it a little difficult and think it would be helpful to hear someone elses experiences. im not finding it easy, especially with us being so young. i think i just need a bit of guidance on dealing with it.

 

i love him so much i cannot begin 2 describe the feelings i have for him. I like the fact that he is eccentric and wild with his friends, but sometimes it can be innapropriate. im getting frustrated and i have been very confused! i really want to make it work!

 

Hi Shelli,

I too have a bf who has asperger's so i know exactly how you feel! I'm 19 and have been with my bf for

over 7mths now. Like ur bf mine too is really loving, loyal and caring, but we often have little

misunderstandings. I try so hard to understand where he is coming from but I just can't and that's really

difficult to cope with. We try to talk about everything and if we have a fight, we never leave each other before we've sorted it out. But sometimes i think will it ever work? Can i do this anymore? Even he has said

that he feels as if he doesnt belong in this world. So i wonder, if we're both living in different 'worlds' how the ###### is this going to last??? Though he is the sweetest guy i've ever met and no relationship is ever going

to be perfect - i don't want it to be. I think if it's not tough sometimes you cant truly appreciate the good bits.

I found a site with some good info if u want to check it out - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome

 

It's really good of you to be taking the time to find some information on Asperger's too - it sounds like you

really love him and care for him a lot. If you do some reading i think it won't only help ur relationship (coz u will be able to understand why he says/does things) but it will also help you to cope a little better.

I know it is frustrating sometimes, when he just can't seem to understand why you feel a certain way but it will take time to find ways to make communication more effective -trial and error.

 

Hope this helps a bit - but it's just nice to know that there are other people out there feeling the same way as me