No Friends

[Suzan]

DD7 does not have any close friends. She wants to have friends who she can play with and spend the night with. She is always sad that her sister makes friends so easily. But everyone loves dd7. She would have tons of friends I think but she always finds a reason not to be friends with someone. Here are all the reasons I've heard recently.

 

She said I write sloppy so I don't want to be her friend

She was mean to me at school so I don't like her any more

They are too loud and wild

They don't put away my toys when they are done and they pull out too many toys at once

She tries on my shoes and won't stop if I ask her to

I'm too tired

I don't feel like it

Just because

I don't know

 

If she finally agrees to have someone come over (or if she gets invited to someone elses house), she will have a great time but then find a reason to ensure it never happens again.

 

Does this sound like OCD related? I can't quite figure it out.

 

Susan

[melanie]

DD7 does not have any close friends. She wants to have friends who she can play with and spend the night with. She is always sad that her sister makes friends so easily. But everyone loves dd7. She would have tons of friends I think but she always finds a reason not to be friends with someone. Here are all the reasons I've heard recently.

 

She said I write sloppy so I don't want to be her friend

She was mean to me at school so I don't like her any more

They are too loud and wild

They don't put away my toys when they are done and they pull out too many toys at once

She tries on my shoes and won't stop if I ask her to

I'm too tired

I don't feel like it

Just because

I don't know

 

If she finally agrees to have someone come over (or if she gets invited to someone elses house), she will have a great time but then find a reason to ensure it never happens again.

 

Does this sound like OCD related? I can't quite figure it out.

 

Susan

 

 

Kids are mean My son doesnt have many friends either Quite frankly I dont know if I would want to hang with him either hes not always nice.Im a middleschool teacher and some kids are really nice You should call school and see what kinds of groups there are for her to participate in .Rebel or games even aftercare is a good way for them to make friends

 

She soundslike a wonderful kid

 

Melanie

[Megs_Mom]

Does she have OCD about things like Germs or Cleanliness? If so, you might see friend avoidance. Even being uncomfortable that you might do things wrong (kids are pretty smart) would make a child anxious about being with friends. Perhaps a simple step to see if this is OCD related is to set up a permanent play date, such as every Sat at 10 (before the day becomes too much). Try to invite a child over during the week for the following weekend. Then see what happens when they are together. Sounds like kids want to be with her - so you are way ahead of the game already. I'm not sure if this is OCD or not - Meg was also very critical of friends during OCD - she just felt so wrong all the time, and was looking for reasons why. But is was sort of a side effect, not really OCD at some points. At other times, it was fear of illness - and very clearly OCD.

[Suzan]

Does she have OCD about things like Germs or Cleanliness? If so, you might see friend avoidance. Even being uncomfortable that you might do things wrong (kids are pretty smart) would make a child anxious about being with friends. Perhaps a simple step to see if this is OCD related is to set up a permanent play date, such as every Sat at 10 (before the day becomes too much). Try to invite a child over during the week for the following weekend. Then see what happens when they are together. Sounds like kids want to be with her - so you are way ahead of the game already. I'm not sure if this is OCD or not - Meg was also very critical of friends during OCD - she just felt so wrong all the time, and was looking for reasons why. But is was sort of a side effect, not really OCD at some points. At other times, it was fear of illness - and very clearly OCD.

 

 

Well, I know she does not like to get dirty, no water in the eyes, no icky stuff on her hands, I always saw that as sensory, not OCD. She is very much into how to do things right, she is more concerned with others not doing it right since she knows how to do everything right! She does not tell me how she feels unless she's mad that someone wronged her. I do know she's not into sharing much and what's her's is hers!

 

I'm not convinced it's OCD either, but I had the thought today for the first time that maybe it was. Today I asked her why she was not playing with the neighbor kids and she said "I don't like to play...... with KK, that is". Granted this little girl is 5 and can be quite annoying with all her questions

 

Susan

[thereishope]

When my son went through the dirt/germ/contamination thing, he couldn't play with kids. He wanted his friend over,but there eouldn't play with him. He found it easier to leave the room while the boy played in the room by himself because it was too much to see him touching his things. Then those things were bad and he couldn't play with them anymore.

 

So the "no to having friends" may not be the OCD but a result of an underlying issue.

 

Also, maybe the thought of another child messing up a game drives her crazy just thinking about it to the point that she's bothered with the playdate an dit causes anxiety before it happens.

[smartyjones]

just a thought - could it be a manifestation of social anxiety? of course, ocd is an anxiety disorder but would not trying to peg it into ocd and discover the thoughts make it easier to see and/or help? is she finding reasons not to be friends from a reject them/before they reject me stance; fear she won't fit in or fear she will do/say something wrong?

 

my son's 'official' psych diagnosis is 'anxiety - NOS', not OCD. this came after pandas diagnosis. still now, i'm not sure the extent of the web of thoughts associated with things he does/doesn't do. it is probably either just right OCD or a looser just right anxiety. i have a friend whose daughter, age 6, has social anxiety and althought the particulars in the situations are different, there are so many parallels.

 

have you ever checked out anxietybc.com. they have some good info in the parenting section.

 

meg's mom could certainly weigh in on this thought . . . our psych is also not sure the extent of thoughts and for now, believes that if we can help his behavior to be more advantagous through modifying behavior on an anxiety level, we don't so much need to delve into the thoughts producing it. if we're not able to make headway or if behaviors/compulsions takes up too much time from life, then we need to investigate whatever unrelenting thoughts may be driving the behavior.

 

so i'd wonder what happens when you set up situations that may be slightly out of her comfort zone with friends and just see if she can do it successfully w/o delving into thoughts driving it.

[MomWithOCDSon]

DD7 does not have any close friends. She wants to have friends who she can play with and spend the night with. She is always sad that her sister makes friends so easily. But everyone loves dd7. She would have tons of friends I think but she always finds a reason not to be friends with someone. Here are all the reasons I've heard recently.

 

She said I write sloppy so I don't want to be her friend

She was mean to me at school so I don't like her any more

They are too loud and wild

They don't put away my toys when they are done and they pull out too many toys at once

She tries on my shoes and won't stop if I ask her to

I'm too tired

I don't feel like it

Just because

I don't know

 

If she finally agrees to have someone come over (or if she gets invited to someone elses house), she will have a great time but then find a reason to ensure it never happens again.

 

Does this sound like OCD related? I can't quite figure it out.

 

Susan

 

We see a lot of this type of behavior in our DS12, and he's pretty much been that way all his life, even though he's been in social situations like preschool/daycare (much to his chagrin) since he was 6 months old! As early as 2.5, we got reports from his teachers that he seemed to prefer playing alone, or just hanging around on the fringes of a group, watching but not joining in; they always commented that he seemed perfectly content, however. As he got older, he tended to do his own thing, maybe starting a new activity in a separate spot in the room from the other kids; then, when a peer noticed that DS was over at the other table, cutting shapes in colored paper, one peer after another might join in DS's activity, and he was perfectly fine with that. It just needed to be HIS idea, in HIS timing.

 

DS12 has been diagnosed with OCD, and now we're exploring PANDAS, but I have to say that so many of these "You-Name-It-Anxiety-Related-Disorders" seem to have intersections of commonality. In the end, though, it doesn't necessarily matter which, if any, disorder it belongs to. You want her to be happy. Does she WANT to be social? Do you get the feeling that she's basically making excuses for not branching out, making more friends?

 

Our son is, shall we say, very selective about his friends. Like your DD, he's very bright, and he likes having things his own way. So he tends to chose the most easy-going, maleable boy on the block with some common interests (namely, video and computer games) to be his best pal. When the OCD behaviors (like contamination) are raging, this friend doesn't mind being asked repeatedly to wash his hands, and when DS12 wants to demonstrate what an expert he is at something, this friend is willing to give him a few minutes of attention/adoration before moving on to doing something else that he would prefer to do.

 

We're told that, at school, DS12 is well-liked, even well-respected because of his science and math abilities, and gets along well with others. But then DS12 will come home from school and complain that he has to participate in a group project that he would rather do solo because one kid isn't pulling his weight, and another kid doesn't wash his hands, and another kid is annoying, etc.

 

My DH worries that our son doesn't have enough of a social life, but I'm sort of on the fence. I think he has about as much of a social life as he wants. He doesn't often express feeling lonely or wishing he had someone else to play or hang with, and when he does, he can usually get on the phone and arrange to make plans with one of the two kids he consistently considers friends.

 

In the end, I guess what counts most is whether or not your DS is truly content, doing her own thing without the "interference" of peers, or if she's making excuses because she's too uncomfortable to be social. It the later is the case, then maybe a club or a park district class in one of her interests would introduce her to some kids with whom she would be more comfortable . . . on neutral territory and with a common interest?