relationship ocd

[charliebear085]

after going through loads and loads on online help I still can't find the advice I need so I have come here as a last resort I really don't know what else to do. My boyfriend has just ended out relationship of 3 months because of his ocd. I have known him for a very long time before we got together and I have always known about his ocd but he said he had gotten help and he felt like he was better. our relationship was amazing he was always so loving and just generally amazing cud tell by the way he was just how he felt about me even tho it was a short relationship I think we always had feelings for each other before we got together. the last 2 weeks of the relationship went very strange. we had celebrated his 40th birthday and had a great weekend but by the Tuesday he started acting very distant. because I had seen him like that I asked him and he said everythin was fine with him it was me causing the problems cos I was very negative. he had a point ive had my own issues with past stuff but after he said that I decided I didn't want that coming between us so a went and looked into counselling. but as the week went on he got more and more distant he didn't want to see me didn't really want to talk to me but when we did talk he always maintained he loved me. we spent valentines together and he was great he hates valentines but actually made the effort of buying me and amazing gift and a lovely card with the sweetest poems in it. that whole night he was back to himself or so it seemed. 2 days later he texts me and says he's wrestling with whether he wants to be with me or not he loves me but doesn't know what he wants. so I arranged to go see him and he couldn't really tell me anythin but ultimately the relationship ended. which devastated me. he text me that same night saying he didn't want me to shut him out of my life that I mean the world to him. the next day we had to meet up again because I had left some things at his house that was when he told me that it was the ocd that had him thinking that he didn't know what he wanted and that it has affected every relationship he has had. he told me he can't b with me as he doesn't want to continue hurting me the way he is which I understand but it's hurting me more knowing that I mean so much to him but he can't actually be with me anymore. we r both miserable but have now decided to give each other a break for a couple of days until he tries to get his head together. I really need to know if there's anythin I can do for him? I have read bits and bobs on the Internet about this but it's obviously through all different circumstances. I can't talk to my friends of family because they don't understand. do I fight for this relationship and not let him go or do I walk away and save myself all this heartache?

[MomWithOCDSon]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but when you ask the question, "Should I fight for this relationship?" honestly, all I can think, is that HE needs to decide to fight for it, and you can support him and care for him. But he needs to decide, maybe once and for all, that SOMETHING -- this relationship -- is more important than his OCD.

 

Does he get any therapy or counseling for his OCD? Does he take any medications? If he's not currently in therapy, I would encourage him to seek some out, and perhaps the two of you could attend at least some sessions together, if he would allow that. The thing about OCD is that it can be so distressing, that loved ones tend to accommodate it, knowingly and unknowingly, and that just encourages it to stay present and gradually consume more and more of a person's everyday life. By attending some therapy sessions together, he will get some tools and techniques for pushing back at or "shrinking" the impact of the OCD in his life, and you will also get some tools and techniques for supporting him while not also inadvertently enabling the OCD.

 

The insidious thing about OCD is that it will consume every molecule of air you give it, and then ask for more. And it will take more and more until the sufferer puts a firm stop to it, prioritizing "real life" over the constant nagging anxiety and perseverative thinking that OCD commands of its host. Therefore, one helpful technique can be to clearly separate the OCD from the person; support and love the person, while expressing a "no tolerance" policy for the OCD.

 

Maybe you can try telling him that you care for him, that you want to support him, and that if he wants a chance at a meaningful, rich relationship, you're there for him, and that part of that relationship will need to be getting help for the OCD and not just trying to "gut it out" on his own because, clearly, that's not working. It's likely to be tough sledding, given his age and the fact that he's likely repeating a pattern that he's been living for quite some time. But I've seen it happen with many people...finally something is big enough, important enough, that they have the incentive and are able to do the work to reclaim their lives from OCD/anxiety.

 

All the best to you.

[charliebear085]

Hi MomwithOCDson thank you for replying to my post. the problem is he dosent seem to want to fight it is me asking him to fight. I have told him I don't want to give up on him but he seems so disconnected I sometimes feel he is only telling me how hurt he is to try and make me feel better somehow if that makes sense. he has said that he is absolutely gutted that things have ended the way they have and that he never wanted to hurt me. when we decided to take a couple days away from each other I found out that there has been problems at our work place that could have had an effect on how he is actually thinking of me. we both work in the same place I am in a slightly more managerial job than him and I would help him out at work with different things he was needing on the quiet if you like but I was always like that with him even before we got together. now the workplace has started to look into everythin and he has been gettin the grief being pulled into several different meetings and being told that wot I have authorised is no longer in place. I haven't been at work so he took all the grief on his own and now I feel that this has also put doubt in his head. we have always had people poking their noses in at work it's just the type of place it is but now the work is out to get me and have seemed to go through him to do it. all of my friend keep telling me he's a waste of space obviously never loved me if he can leave me like that and all the other stuff friends are supposed to say but I don't beleive that's the case if it is he's a very good actor he looked devastEd the last time I saw him. I'm just so confused we haven't spoke since Friday this is longest we have ever gone without speaking. we spoke everyday for around a year as friends first then took the step to relationship. I miss him it's like I have lost my best friend as well.

[charliebear085]

so I have got my ex to now agree to try again. it was hard work to try and get him out of his head. he kept repeating over and over that he was ending it for me. he doesn't want to hurt me again. even tho we are giving it another go it's still very uncertain. because he lives thinking in the future he already finks that it won't b a good idea but has decided to try and if it doesn't work we just then work on a friendship rather than a relationship. I don't know how or even if I will be able to get him to think another way or if his thought will still stay the same. has anyone else had this happen? a just need to no if there's anythin I can do to help him I preferably don't want to have the relationship end again. thanks