I want to argue with my DD!

[momslove]

DD has not attended school or done much except sleep and watch TV all week. OCD is increasing and frightening us all. (Plugs ears with certain TV shows because she has to stop listening when the last word is not a bad word according to OCD. Asking for reassurance that there would not be any beer on the remote control because DH had a beer tonight...)

 

Tonight I allowed her to go out with friends a short time if she got herself showered and dressed. On the way she and I talked briefly about getting back to school and she made comments about how school was the problem, that she didn't need a high school diploma, that she would be just fine...

 

I want to holler at her! I want to engage her in an argument right now! I want to put facts on the table about rent, utilities, food, clothes--not to mention the costs of a phone, internet, and netflix...!!! I want to ask her how she plans to get to a minimum wage job when she can't get up to go to driver ed classes. Oh and then there is the cost of a vehicle, gas, and insurance... I want her to say she didn't mean it...

[BeeRae22]

My children are still little so I can't speak to the teenage aspect of parenting, but when I was reading your post I was "putting on my anxiety ears" while listening to your reasoning . Try to remind yourself that OCD is an anxiety disorder, and you can't "reason with anxiety". Your daughter is too busy worrying about beer being on a remote to consider thoughts of minimum wage jobs and the cost of Netflix frustrating I know, and I'm sure you know all of this already anyway..... Save those conversations for when she's well. If she can't get there right now, than she will some other time.

Best of luck!

[Mayzoo]

I do not think "arguing" with her will help much, BUT she is almost or over 16 right?

 

Dependent on her mental health/ability right now, maybe it is time she sits down with you for a few non-confrontational life skill lessons. She could sit with you and help you pay the bills you have and balance your checkbook for a few months. She could also learn to actively help with grocery shopping ie keeping it in budget and cooking with what you have. All these are skills she must have to be independent regardless of her income, and the effect that has on her attitude will likely be more impactful than an argument or just stating facts she does not see in actual life.

 

She may not truly "get" how expensive living is. The best you can hope for is to instill in her the real cost of living through non-confrontational, hopefully low stress examples.

Edited November 2, 2014 by mayzoo

[MomWithOCDSon]

I'm just guessing that your DD doesn't REALLY think she'll "be fine" without a high school diploma. This is her OCD school avoidance talking. And coming from an intelligent kid, they can rationalize nearly ANYTHING when the OCD/anxiety requires it of them. Been there, done that!

 

Our therapists have been pretty consistent in coaching us that arguing with OCD is a non-starter. It won't bring about any positive behavioral changes, and it can help inadvertently feed the entrenched position your kid is already digging for herself.

 

While I know you don't want to be punitive, the goal is to get her back in school, right? So, not as punishment or retribution, but as incentive, you probably are going to have to structure some things. I know the experts always encourage you to start with the positive reinforcement/incentives, but we found those to be few and far between when our DS was in the midst of his avoidance issues in the past. Still, it's worth a shot. Can you sit down with DD and figure out a stepped incentive program for, say, going to school and staying for one period. Then going to school and staying for 2 or 3 periods, and so on?

 

If not, then maybe you won't have any choice but to implement some dis-incentives, and maybe applying some of those "real world" consequences suggested by Mayzoo would work here. Okay, since you're not going to school, I need you to come with me to do the grocery shopping, and you're in charge of tracking the budget vs. spending. Or, okay, since you're not going to school, and school is basically your "job" at your age, you'll need to substitute other jobs/responsibilities for your school time, so here's a list of jobs that I'll need you to do here at home (clean the refrigerator, rake the yard, etc.). Then there would need to be consequences if she didn't fulfill her obligations, and I think anything that you've given her access to as a privilege (cell phone, screen time, time out with friends, etc.), rather than a right (housing, shelter, sustenance, etc.) could and should be on the table. After all, as you've pointed out, you can't have any of those privileges without the necessary financial resources, and if she's not doing her job (going to school, or a substitute), then she can't hope to "earn" these things.