Can it come back?

[nobody]

Hi everybody,

 

I read about OCD on the internet and about the symptoms and I realized that I had it when I was younger. I've never been diagnosed with it but after reading all this, I know I had it.

I always told myself to complete a certain task or something bad would happen. For example, I had to hold my breath until entering a room or my grandma would die. Or I told myself that if I completed a certain task, I wasn’t going to die some time soon. I was really bizarre and most of the time it was impossible for these events to occur.

Also, I always had the need for both sides of my body to feel “even”. For example, after turning left on a corner or something, I had to turn around again, but in the opposite direction. I did that with everything, 24 hours a day. I was even scared of not turning around at night an even number of times because I didn’t want to feel “uneven” the next day.

Another crazy thing that was bothering me was that almost every night, I believe when I was brushing my teeth, I was suddenly thinking about what was going to happen after I die. I had the need to jump up and down several times to “shake” that feeling out of my body. I was always really scared but I didn’t want to tell anybody...

 

Some day, I don’t remember when, it just stopped and I didn’t have to do those annoying things anymore. But now I believe that some of the symptoms are coming back.

 

For example, my bookbag must never feel heavier on one side of my back than on the other side. The strings must always have the exact same lenght and I keep checking it over and over again, but it never feels right.

I also try to do more with my left hand because my right hand usually feels “heavier”. I can write with both hands so I try to always write with my left hand to make it feel as “heavy” as my right hand. When I realize that I’m doing something with my right hand, my left hand has to take over or I’ll get that stupid feeling again.

I also keep waking up at night and even when the symptoms stopped the first time, some habits, like biting my nails, never stopped.

And I can’t stop counting the calories I eat. I know that propably a lot of girls do that but I try to tell myself not to do it. I try to convince myself of not counting calories but the harder I try, the worse it gets. At any time of the day, I can always tell how many calories I’ve eaten so far. It’s like I have to know it or I have a bad feeling. And when I forgot to count something, I have to go over everything I ate again and start from zero, just to make sure I didn’t forget anything else. The stupid part is that I don’t even care about how many calories I eat. I allow myself a certain number of calories each day and if I eat more than that, I ate “too much”. But I can’t remember a single day in the last few weeks that I didn’t pass that “line”. I plan my meals and before eating something, I have to count calories and design a whole meal plan for that day. It’s like “if I eat this, I can’t eat that, but if I eat this instead, I can eat something else later.” I usually end up eating everything I thought about cause I can’t forget about all that food. But I’m not overwheight or anything, it just bothers me that I always have to count calories.

 

I dont’t have the feeling that it is as bad as when I was young but I don’t want it to get as bad as it used to be again. Does anybody know if it can come back? Or maybe I just tried to suppress all these feelings and they were never really gone?

 

I don’t know if it has anything to do with OCD but I’m asking all this because I’ve been “overanalyzing” myself lately. If I do something, I always try to find a psychlogical reason for it, like something that happend in my childhood that makes me do what I’m doing. I don’t only do it with myself, I do it with everybody else too and I even want to become a psychologist because of that. When somebody is very mean to me or somebody else or says something that hurts me, I can’t even be mad at them because I tell myself that there must be a reason why they’re doing what they’re doing...

 

I hope to hear from you soon, guys, cause I don’t have anybody to talk to about this right now.

Thank you!