My dad left.

[Guest]

After 30 yrs of marriage, my father left my mother and I. I rarely talk to him.

 

He told my mom such nasty things about me: "it's your fault she's still at home", "her only issue is depression she just needs motivation". This is after him seeing me suffer in unbelievable ways for the past 13 yrs.

 

I barely talk to him but I feel guilt about the divorce as if it's my fault. I think my mom would be better off without me, if I had the money I'd just move away to give her freedom. I just feel so guilty all the time.

 

How can he just leave?? How can he just find another girlfriend and forget about us. My mom is so talented and smart, she's been a nurse for 16 yrs, she's kind and genuine, she's beautiful.

 

He's acting all weird. When he was still around he was drinking all the time. Then one day he left my dog in the woods and just went home and left me a voice message. At this time I had mono and upper respiratory infection and I had to go out in the woods by myself searching for her and it just felt like he's really good at leaving isn't he........... But all I have are my dogs, this behavior is so unlike him and I don't know where it's coming from as he's in his mid 50's.

 

My brother moved away to alaska and has not been supportive in the divorce, I NEVER hear from him. He never calls or emails, nothing. I think he has aspergers though. He was here visiting and he had his girlfriend call me and she said, "he's really worried, he's never seen you so sick, can't you get help? can't you get better? he's worried, he's terrified at your state." But he never calls, never contacts me, why doesn't my flesh and blood support me? I need all the supporting I can get!

 

I just needed to vent, thanks.

[searching_for_help]

So sorry you and your family are going through this. Chronic illnesses take a toll on a family. I basically have to have "pep talks" with my husband, reminding him that others are out there suffering like us, and having him read some of these forums to show him that these types of illnesses have no quick fixes (and unfortunately, seem all to common). I don't think most men generally have the patience and compassion to deal with chronic mental and physical illnesses.

 

I'm sure your Dad cares for you. I think it's just so frustrating for them to not really know what to do. Frustration brings anger and blaming (even though sometimes they don't really mean it.) For some, it's easier to leave than to keep dealing with a situation they can't fix. It's not right, I'm not excusing his behavior, because running out on you and your Mom while you have been so ill is terrible. It's terrible for everyone.

 

Just know that it is not your fault that you have suffered from all these illnesses. I wish he could understand that, and maybe he does and just can't deal with not being able to help you. I know there have been many times in the past when I got angry with my daughter, assuming she could just stop the OCD. Not until I started reading up on it did I realize what a nightmare it was for her. (Sadly, I'm still not always patient!)

 

Hugs to you. I hope you find a doc who can help you find some answers. It's OK to vent... you've had so very much to deal with.

[Guest]

So sorry you and your family are going through this. Chronic illnesses take a toll on a family. I basically have to have "pep talks" with my husband, reminding him that others are out there suffering like us, and having him read some of these forums to show him that these types of illnesses have no quick fixes (and unfortunately, seem all to common). I don't think most men generally have the patience and compassion to deal with chronic mental and physical illnesses.

 

I'm sure your Dad cares for you. I think it's just so frustrating for them to not really know what to do. Frustration brings anger and blaming (even though sometimes they don't really mean it.) For some, it's easier to leave than to keep dealing with a situation they can't fix. It's not right, I'm not excusing his behavior, because running out on you and your Mom while you have been so ill is terrible. It's terrible for everyone.

 

Just know that it is not your fault that you have suffered from all these illnesses. I wish he could understand that, and maybe he does and just can't deal with not being able to help you. I know there have been many times in the past when I got angry with my daughter, assuming she could just stop the OCD. Not until I started reading up on it did I realize what a nightmare it was for her. (Sadly, I'm still not always patient!)

 

Hugs to you. I hope you find a doc who can help you find some answers. It's OK to vent... you've had so very much to deal with.

Thank-you. Your response means a lot to me.

I think you're right that he can't fix it and to feel "better" or less guilty about leaving he will convince himself that nothing is wrong. I think the drinking it to alleviate the guilt.

 

Thanks again for letting me vent.

[trintiybella]

Please don't feel responsible. Your not. Your mom sounds awesome!

[911RN]

After 30 yrs of marriage, my father left my mother and I. I rarely talk to him.

 

He told my mom such nasty things about me: "it's your fault she's still at home", "her only issue is depression she just needs motivation". This is after him seeing me suffer in unbelievable ways for the past 13 yrs.

 

I barely talk to him but I feel guilt about the divorce as if it's my fault. I think my mom would be better off without me, if I had the money I'd just move away to give her freedom. I just feel so guilty all the time.

 

How can he just leave?? How can he just find another girlfriend and forget about us. My mom is so talented and smart, she's been a nurse for 16 yrs, she's kind and genuine, she's beautiful.

 

He's acting all weird. When he was still around he was drinking all the time. Then one day he left my dog in the woods and just went home and left me a voice message. At this time I had mono and upper respiratory infection and I had to go out in the woods by myself searching for her and it just felt like he's really good at leaving isn't he........... But all I have are my dogs, this behavior is so unlike him and I don't know where it's coming from as he's in his mid 50's.

 

My brother moved away to alaska and has not been supportive in the divorce, I NEVER hear from him. He never calls or emails, nothing. I think he has aspergers though. He was here visiting and he had his girlfriend call me and she said, "he's really worried, he's never seen you so sick, can't you get help? can't you get better? he's worried, he's terrified at your state." But he never calls, never contacts me, why doesn't my flesh and blood support me? I need all the supporting I can get!

 

I just needed to vent, thanks.

I am sorry you are going through this...here is something you may find helpful: These are "The Four Agreements" by Don Miquel Ruiz:

 

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

 

In other words....

1. Do what it says

2. Your father leaving has nothing to do with you

3. Reach out to your brother--perhaps, he does not really know how much you need his support--even from long distance in Alaska.

4. Do what is says...under sick or healthy circumstances.

 

 

Perhaps, you can take your love of dogs and volunteer at animal shelter or veterinary office?? Transform this into a way to get out of the house...with potential job opportunity in the future.

 

Volunteer for Special Olympics event in your area...somehow get involved with Autistic children. Parents of this group often have caregiver stress and fatigue. Are over burdened with responsibilities. Often, have NO extra support, baby sitters etc. Perhaps, you could find employment to sit for autistic children and this will allow you some outlet for music therapy with this special group of children. Volunteer work can often lead to gainful employment if you have a special interest in a particular area. Both of these interests are under served by the general population. I.E animal shelters and services for special needs children.

 

 

Hugs to you!

[tenyearswithpans]

I feel the same way at 20 I support myself but my medical expensives are thousands a month. Every time my mom pays bills I feel terrible because they would have so much more if I didn't need testings done all the time. Hospializations to scrips. I feel like they would be able to have their cottage they want. They make great money but idk