backlash against non-pandas sibling

[mom24]

I should have known that this would happen at some point, but I guess that I was hopeful. The short story is that my daughter extended herself to a former friend, someone who had a recent flood at their home. Although they are no longer friends (the girl is trying to be "popular") my daughter said that if there is anything she could do a place to stay or loan her clothing or anything else, to let her know. ( She said this since I told her that an email was circulating around the town that they needed help). The girl laughed and said thanks but maybe i will stay with you when your brothers are less diseased (in front of a group of people). I felt/feel so bad for her. Honestly, they are tough to live with and she has to deal with them, let alone some ignorant little brat. The boys drive her crazy but she is very loyal to them. She is a tween and she doesn't need another thing to deal with. My DH called the parents and they seemed mortified(we know them) . The gossip probably came from the mother and another that we know of. The girl then cornered my DD the next day in school and told her that she basically misunderstood and that she would never say anything bad and that she "loves" the boys. The nerve of her. Ironically, her mother is a nurse, the girl has anxiety and her brother has OCD.

 

What is also bothering me is just how much PANDAS is misunderstood. It is apparent that people are gossiping about them and us. We can take it, but my poor daughter..... This whole situation is taking its toll on her and I've decided to get her some help.

 

Thanks for allowing me to vent. Good thing I was not on here the day it happened.

[LNN]

I'm sorry your daughter has to endure this, but there might be a positive from all of it. There's nothing like having an outsider attack your family to make you face your own feelings about the same topic. In having to defend her brothers, it may help her to see their pont of view in a way she couldn't before.

 

My son is reading a book called "The Thing About Georgie". Georgie is a dwarf who goes through childhood feeling sorry for himself because he has struggles that no one else does. He focuses on what he doesn't have. But then he slowly becomes friends with a girl who's hated by the class because she never pays attention, can't control her impulses, puts other people down (he finds out it's because she herself is always put down and it's a defense mechanism)...he comes to realize that other people have hidden disabilities and that their outward behaviors often hide the hurt and struggles on the inside.

 

My son went through a pity party phase. He now realizes he's become exceptionally insightful for his age and can understand what makes people tick more than his peers. He now knows his best friend isn't ignoring everyone to be aloof - the friend has a low-tone hearing loss and is too worried about being teased, so he won't wear hearing aids (but will need them eventually). His other friend has had numerous endoscopes and GI issues, another classmate leaves early every Monday for therapy sessions for his "issues". Another girl in class has ODD. Because of his battles with lyme and Pandas etc, he's slowly starting to realize that EVERYONE has issues. What makes some people "better" people than others is HOW they deal with those issues, not that they don't have them to begin with.

 

It sounds like this girl is embarrassed by everyone knowing her hardship and at being needy, which is probably not "cool". So her meanness may be a way to deflect her own insecurities, particularly if she's worried others will see her anxiety. It may be hard for your daughter to deal with, but it's a great insight into others and a way to talk about the best ways to handle this kind of insensitive disregard for others. Because unfortunately, its something she'll encounter again and again in life. Hopefully, you'll be able to find a way to turn it into a positive.

[mom24]

I'm sorry your daughter has to endure this, but there might be a positive from all of it. There's nothing like having an outsider attack your family to make you face your own feelings about the same topic. In having to defend her brothers, it may help her to see their pont of view in a way she couldn't before.

 

My son is reading a book called "The Thing About Georgie". Georgie is a dwarf who goes through childhood feeling sorry for himself because he has struggles that no one else does. He focuses on what he doesn't have. But then he slowly becomes friends with a girl who's hated by the class because she never pays attention, can't control her impulses, puts other people down (he finds out it's because she herself is always put down and it's a defense mechanism)...he comes to realize that other people have hidden disabilities and that their outward behaviors often hide the hurt and struggles on the inside.

 

My son went through a pity party phase. He now realizes he's become exceptionally insightful for his age and can understand what makes people tick more than his peers. He now knows his best friend isn't ignoring everyone to be aloof - the friend has a low-tone hearing loss and is too worried about being teased, so he won't wear hearing aids (but will need them eventually). His other friend has had numerous endoscopes and GI issues, another classmate leaves early every Monday for therapy sessions for his "issues". Another girl in class has ODD. Because of his battles with lyme and Pandas etc, he's slowly starting to realize that EVERYONE has issues. What makes some people "better" people than others is HOW they deal with those issues, not that they don't have them to begin with.

 

It sounds like this girl is embarrassed by everyone knowing her hardship and at being needy, which is probably not "cool". So her meanness may be a way to deflect her own insecurities, particularly if she's worried others will see her anxiety. It may be hard for your daughter to deal with, but it's a great insight into others and a way to talk about the best ways to handle this kind of insensitive disregard for others. Because unfortunately, its something she'll encounter again and again in life. Hopefully, you'll be able to find a way to turn it into a positive.

Thanks for the book tip. I am sure it will be a valuable lesson too. She is an internalizer and has some issues of her own, that is why I worry. I guess sometimes I forget how hard it is for her living here. We have to limit who comes over and we cannot do sleepovers-----my 4 yo is out of control at times and we live in a small town of talkers (which is obvious). I know you are right, its just "heavy stuff" for a kid.

 

This girl LOVES being needy. She has embellished the story of being carried out and is loving all of the attention. Truthfully, most of this stuff is coming from the parents. She is in the same circle of friends and has repeatedly been mean to my daughter for some reason as of late. I just felt like she crossed the line when she picked on my boys.......

[cobbiemommy]

I feel for you, your daughter, your son and the whole situation. We are/have been in the same boat. It sucks. People love to gossip and make themselves feel superior by making someone else feel inferior. Your daughter will learn and grow from this experience. It is not what you would have wanted to happen to her, but it is how she responds that defines her!

 

I used to be the most people pleasing apologist for my kids. Not any more! Only those of us who have lived this life get to judge our own little family unit-no one else! Just like I don't know how hard it is to parent a child with diabetes or cancer, they don't know how hard it is to parent a child with PANDAs.

 

Also, you will find a lot of love for people who accept and welcome your child just as they are. They are the true gems in life.

 

Getting off my soap box now. Hope you have a good day.

 

Cobbie

[mom24]

So true Cobbie. I worked in the special education field--teaching autistic children- in my previous life and still shake my head about the way people treat others. I guess I just needed to vent! We are having a good day here!!!!