How to handle this discipline issue?

[lmkmip67]

I know there is a thread about discipline in general, but I have a specific issue with Ian. he is 8. And his main issue is OCD. But he can also attach to behaviors. He has a couple of friends, twins, at hockey, his age. They have "loose" parenting. Their dad laughs at a lot of what they do, they are goof balls. So is my kid and he is so drawn to them. Anyway, at hockey they have been saying things like, "hot sexy chick, kiss a hot sexy woman, etc." They laugh and dare other kids to say it to someone. My kid has no clue what the language means, either do they. He went a long with it at hockey. We talked to him that you do not speak to women and girls that way, don't do it again. But he has attached to it and is now bringing it to his bus, school and friends. He even tells me because he can't stop himself from telling us what he does, which is good. but still. He was telling me he was daring his friends to say that to a girl on the bus yesterday. Now he has been spoken to about it, and all of that. So he had his warning. Yesterday when he told me, all electronics were taken away and he has lost the privilege of playing with those other boys after hockey (DH often lets him stay after and play at the rink) until he is able to control his own filters and know when to not go along with something, etc. The issue I have is how serious saying these kinds of things are and he can not seem to let go of it. I do understand they have trouble stopping some behaviors, but to me this has to be stopped NOW. I am hoping the punishment helps. But I am not sure how to get through to him. He has a touching compulsion, too. Between the two and the unsavory language he is picking up, I am really worried I am going to start getting calls from other parents or the school. He isn't usually a leader, but he will go along with something if his friends laugh, whatever it is. he isn't a discipline problem at school, he really is a good boy. But what do you do when there is something that has to stop? It isn't a tic that he can't help. It is a behavior that has to be put to rest. He often cycles through behaviors too so eventually it will pass, but I can not wait this one out. We are working on finding a therapist that specializes in OCD. But it is hard and I can't get in for a month yet, so I need HELP!

[dcmom]

Ugh. I am so sorry. I feel your frustration with finding a therapist, as we have that same issue.

 

We have had lots of ocd issues, and some ideas they have gotten "stuck" on (items they want, things they want to do, looking for a lost item, etc)- but nothing really similar.

 

My best advice would be to use direct, simple, honesty.

 

Reiterate that this behavior is completely unacceptable, and will not be tolerated by you or the school. (If you have already went through the reasoning- I think you can skip over that).

 

Tell him that you are happy to help him in any way he needs to avoid this behavior , but that this will no longer be tolerated.

 

Come up with a plan of consequences and rewards.

 

Consequences may be loss of privileges, time outs, sitting behind the bus driver. Ideally consequences should be short, immediate, and if at all possible related to the behavior. I think maybe if he speaks like this at hockey, he immediately has to leave? If he speaks like this on the bus, he will have to have his seat moved next to the bus driver? I am not sure if these make sense- just throwing out ideas.

 

My daughter is 8, and we use an oriental trading box treasure chest full of prized for rewards. It is cheap junk, but she likes to be recognized as cooperating, and she likes junk. For each bus ride, playdate, hockey practice, etc, that there are no issues like this- he can take a prize. Would this be motivating for your son? (you can come up with other reward systems as well). This can move to other issues in a week or two when this behavior passes. We use this to work on her ocd issues, and she is motivated and happy to do so.

 

I think you are doing a great job by taking this seriously, and sending him the right message. If it is truly ocd, you may need the help of a professional (or the advice of a parent who has been through something similar)- but I think you are doing the smartest thing- ocd or no ocd, there are some things they need to know are just not acceptable. He is 8- but imagine if he was 15. You are doing the right thing by taking a strong stance.

 

I think it would be important for his dad to be on the same page and let your son know. Maybe you could talk to the other dad, or your husband could- to let him know you would prefer if he wouldn't allow his kids to use that kind of language?? Or better yet, if it takes place during practice- the coach should have a word with the kids. I don't deal in sports, so I don't know if you are dealing with a bunch of cave men- but in my "girl" world of horseback riding and ballet, I could easily have a confidential discussion with the teacher- letting them know my child's situation- and enlisting their help. I am not sure the kids sports world is as evolved

 

Good luck- honestly, you sound like you are doing a great job. I think (for yourself) the key is not that the behavior is eliminated immediately (although that would be nice)- but that you are consistent and sending the right message.

[lmkmip67]

Thank you! It helps to hear it sounds like I am on the right track. I am kind of beside myself with worry over this. I swear this disorder causes parents to become OCD too over some things. sigh....I hope someone else can chime in, with something similar. His dad is on board and always has been, so that is good. it is always something with this disorder.

[LNN]

I don't have any brilliant ideas or solutions for you. Just wanted to chime in that I've been there. Last spring, my then 8 yo DS went into an episode triggered by intense lyme treatment (tindamax). Foul language and an emerging idea of sex was creeping into 3rd grade psyche, an DS, who normally tries very hard to fly under the radar and not draw attention to himself, especially from teachers, was calling another boy a shocking phrase. Now, DH is not winning medals for pristine language, but this phrase wasn't your everyday cuss word and wasn't one he'd heard at home. So here I am, getting emails and calls about my son's new vocabulary and how he and another boy are doing some inappropriate gesturing. I am both embarrassed and at a total loss about how to stop it. DS is in one of those episodes where he's lost all impulse control - where he promises to do better and 5 seconds later is right back at it, seemingly unaware of what he's doing or that it's wrong.

 

We took away privileges, had talks, tried to have the teacher keep DS away from the boy who seemed to bring out the worst (not blaming the boy for my son's transgressions - just wanted to reduce chances for failure). The only thing that worked was Aleve. Motrin helped, but it had to be steady - every 6 hrs with no gaps. Well, the school day is 8+, so 1/2 an Aleve got him thru the school day and then when he got home, he got a motrin and then the other half of the Aleve at bedtime. We did this for a week and also stopped the tindamax and things calmed down. The teacher told me that our talks (the ones I had at home and the ones she had at school) seemed to be sinking in. I just smiled and nodded. It was the NSAIDs and the inflammation dying down, not our "words of wisdom".

 

Like you, I didn't feel I could excuse the behavior or imply that I was condoning it. So I did the talks and the punishments. The ground rules had to be set. But I honestly don't think it was my parenting skills that made it stop. Fortunately, my son's out-of-character behaviors made his good friends back away for a few weeks. When he "snapped out of it" he was hurt that he had done damage to these friendships and he was then self-aware enough to realize the natural consequences of his actions. This past year, in 4th grade, he's repaired those friendships and now when a kid "sows oats" he shakes his head and says "man, that kid's in for a hard lesson".

[lmkmip67]

Huh. I totally didn't think about Motrin. I just picked up a huge bottle at BJs of the dye free stuff as we were low. I will start tonight!! I have done it in the past and it has helped tics immensely! I have some Aleve, too! I will give 1/2 at bed time and for school tomorrow and see how it goes.

[Megs_Mom]

Are you sure he is really doing this? He is confessing it to you - it's unusual behavior, right? Could he possibly be having scrupulosity & confessing things to you beyond what he is really doing? Scrupulosity OCD can really make things complicated sometimes. My daughter used to confess all sorts of imaginary things and I was punishing her for a while until I realized that it was just OCD.

 

Just another thing to think about. if he has to tell you everything that he does "wrong", that is scrupulosity & is a form of OCD.

[911RN]

One tip I have picked up that seems to work is not to take things away- (electronics etc) but to "add something" they find distasteful as a disciplinary method for negative behaviors. Extra chore, clean car, reading for 30 min, dishes etc- whatever IT is that you know the child does not particularly LIKE to do. This is a great tool for getting kids to straighten up and put some limits on their own behavior or else they get things "added"- not taken away as punishment.

 

Just a thought:)