Has anyone had to tell their PANDAS child about a death?

[lmkmip67]

My son Ian, just lost a classmate today. they were not super close. It was from brain cancer, so we knew this could happen. My concern for Ian, at age 7, is how to tell him without setting off his OCD in the wrong way. He gets very scared of thunderstorms and things like that. he can ruminate about them over and over and over. I would be fine with a non PANDAS child, but with the OCD and worry component, I am not quite sure how to approach it. I want to tel his teacher what I have told him as well, so she will at least know.

[thereishope]

First, I am so sorry for the friend's passing.

 

This is a hard one. I would have to ask you if/how you explained to Ian what is going on with him. Meaning, if you told Ian he was sick, if you told him it was something with his brain, etc. Knowing this would help decide what wording to possibly use.

 

I would take his lead in how serious the talk needs to be and how much detail is needed.

[lfran]

That is so hard. I am so sorry to hear of this happening to a child.

 

No matter what you tell him, you need to be aware of what the playground talk might be and head that off ahead of time. So, after you use your words and thoughts, explain that his friends will have their own viewpoints, including those who do and don't share the same religious beliefs as others -- for instance, there may be arguments in the playground about whether the child has gone to heaven or not, how common cancer is and whether it is always fatal, etc.

 

When my son (Lyme/Bartonella and probably PANDAS) was 9 last summer, his uncle died. We did not do a good job with explaining it and he had major panic attacks for months -- running off, hiding under tables, etc. What finally helped was telling him that the sorrow he was feeling was legitimate and real, and that it was so intense that it has the special name of grief -- and that since there was a special name for it, lots of people feel this strongly when someone they love dies. He cried and cried and then began healing from the death.

 

I know this isn't exactly on point, but hope that it helps a little.

 

 

First, I am so sorry for the friend's passing.

 

This is a hard one. I would have to ask you if/how you explained to Ian what is going on with him. Meaning, if you told Ian he was sick, if you told him it was something with his brain, etc. Knowing this would help decide what wording to possibly use.

 

I would take his lead in how serious the talk needs to be and how much detail is needed.

[lmkmip67]

Thanks, everyone. I will take some of these tips tomorrow when I talk to him.

[smartyjones]

i know i am a broken record, it's just that we have found much help with the technique in many situations -- i need to go back and focus more on it. i love the repeating technique from the book the Explosive Child. in that book, it is used to calm an explosion and find out info about what is happening in the child's mind. we have used it to glean more info about what may be happening in ds7's thoughts even not in explosive situations.

 

 

so, you could use it after you state a few facts about the classmate. you repeat what your son has said, either just straight or with a 'really?' or 'hmm' or 'why?' or ' you think?' , etc and see if he can lead you into understanding what he is thinking and how it is affecting him. it's takes patience and practice b/c the natural human inclination is to rush in with what you want to say and how you want to comfort and avoid any trouble he may be getting into, like triggering what you know to be ocd thoughts.

good luck.