Good weekend, then a nosedive.

[EmersonAilidh]

On Friday I handled a concert alone. In the middle of the pit section (no actual mosh pit. Just lots & lots of people) by myself with no panic attacks or anything. My ride locked his keys out of the car, my friend was whining & moaning the whole time, & I kept my calm. I was really really proud of myself. Even stayed up until three in the morning, which is something I haven't done since the summer. Granted, I slept until one in the afternoon, but oh well.

Saturday I played piano all day. It used to be something that helped a lot but as the joint pain got worse, piano really just made me feel bad. I pushed through it & got a lot accomplished on Saturday.

On Sunday I played more music, & then went to a friend's for a Harry Potter marathon. I didn't even get through the second one. :/ It's really hard to be social when all you want to do is sleep, but it's hard to even want to TRY to put forth the effort to be social when you just end up feeling really bad everytime your friend's night is wasted because of you. Morning anxiety is the worst for me, & after nights like these it's hard to motivate myself to go out because I just wake up hating myself.

Today I was really tired so I allowed myself a lazy day. Woke up at noon, got home at one, watched Harry Potter, cleaned a bit, took a nap, etc... I've actually finished THREE books this school year. I've been too tired to read a book for three years now. I tried to read today & it didn't go too well, but I'm just proud of myself for starting to be a reader again.

 

Practically everyone on here talks about/deals with OCD. I feel like a lot of what we talk about & most of how OCD is perceived is the "Compulsion" part over the "Obsession" part. I think about my Dad dying every moment that I'm awake. I cry about it everyday. I've tried to talk to my Mom about it. One day, in some attempt at opening up, I said "Mom, I think about my Dad dying a whole lot." & she said "That's weird.". I kind of gave up at that point. I asked her to get a psychiatrist recommendation but I think she forgot. Today was one of those days where I was alone all day & had nothing to keep my mind off of it. I just feel so stupid. I'm fifteen years old. I should be able to see a Dad on television without bursting into tears. I cry when I'm WITH my Dad because I'm thinking about him dying the whole time. If I'm not occupied, & sometimes even when I am, all I can think about is what songs they're gonna play at his funeral. What I would say if I gave a speech. What I would tell all of my little sisters. I'll just sit in my room for hours, crying about my Dad who isn't even dead. I feel like such a baby & I don't know what to do. ThanksGiving is Thursday & I can't stand to cry in front of my family again.

[emmalily]

That stinks so much! I'm sorry your Harry Potter marathon went badly But good news about the concert--good to know you *can* feel good, no matter how rare it is. (BTW, what band did you see? Something good?)

From everything I've read, and I'm sure others on here have stories of, fear of a parent dying is incredibly typical with PANDAS, and OCD in general, so at least you know you're normal for obsessive-compulsive person right? And that it's not you but an obsession that will go away with treatment. I'm really sorry you have to feel that, though, it sounds incredibly scary to think about that all the time.

 

Cry in the bathroom at Thanksgiving if you have to. That's my back-up plan in case it's too overwhelming (and I'm feeling pretty good! So if I'm worried about it, you definitely have a valid reason to be!) I don't think you're being a baby at all by responding to your OCD with tears (because God knows I've only done that about 50,000 times ), but if you don't want to bring it up in front of your family, take a little break by yourself and cry it out. I know that is an incredibly crappy plan, but I hope it makes you feel better to know I've got a back-up tears plan, too!

[NYCMom]

Emerson, I know a million parents have thanked you for sharing your experience with PANDAS in such an open, honest way, but I have to be the millionth and one. You have no idea how much it means to hear your point of view. You are incredibly articulate and smart and the strongest 15yo I have ever encountered! My ds8 has the same exact fear of his dad or myself dying, it comes and goes, but it's heartbreaking when it comes. Problem is he doesn't have the maturity to communicate his fears the way you can and it feels condescending to tell him 'it's just the strep honey.' But knowing that if I need to say something more, I can show him a post from this 15yo chick who's going through the same exact fears, feels way more powerful than a lot of mommy's 'everthing is going to be ok' rhetoric.

You are amazing! (and btw - i loooove the dresden dolls, 'yes virginia' is one of my fav albums, you have great taste in music! imho)

[EmersonAilidh]

EmmaLily ~ You are the best. I saw The Dresden Dolls, my favorite band in the whole wide wide world, on their very last tour. D: & normal for an obsessive-compulsive person is better than nothing, I suppose! Haha. Thank you for not saying "OCD person", by the way. It's a disorder, NOT an adjective!

I've never expressed my fears to him. He actually is in pretty bad health (just like 99.9999999% of my family) so I feel like saying "Hey. I'm really scared you're gonna die." wouldn't give me the results I want & wouldn't be too nice. He already has his funeral arrangements & everything. We were listening to a song in the car once & he said "Up at BlahBlahBlah funeral home this song is on my funeral list." :/

 

NYCMom ~ How'd you know I saw the Dresden Dolls?! & thank you. It's nice to know that someone's benefiting from all this, haha. & I don't mean that sarcastically, either. I hope your little one is doing well.

 

On a not-related-to-P.A.N.D.A.S. note... Has anyone been watching the show The Big C on ShowTime? Oh. My. God. It seems like every new episode is the single saddest thing I've ever seen. Makes me grateful to have what I do & not cancer though. The season finale took the cake & stirred all of these feelings up. Saddest thing I've ever seen on television. I don't think I can watch it next season.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQedgzsuGmU

[NYCMom]

NYCMom ~ How'd you know I saw the Dresden Dolls?! & thank you. It's nice to know that someone's benefiting from all this, haha. & I don't mean that sarcastically, either. I hope your little one is doing well.

 

Had no idea you saw them, so jealous!!! I'm a google fanatic and wanted to check that I got your first name right, so googled it. Which got me to a site that showed your interests (can't remember which one). My kid is great in the scheme of things, thanks. I think we caught his PANDAS super quick, had sudden onset on a Saturday (vocal tic, hyper, really spaced out, maniacal laugh), had him in the drs office for blood tests that Monday. Subsequently learned that our ped is quite on the ball with PANDAS (he actually diagnosed over the phone), so he prescribed abx immediately. We are 1.5 yrs into prophylactics and have ups and downs, but def improving.

[peglem]

On a not-related-to-P.A.N.D.A.S. note... Has anyone been watching the show The Big C on ShowTime? Oh. My. God. It seems like every new episode is the single saddest thing I've ever seen. Makes me grateful to have what I do & not cancer though. The season finale took the cake & stirred all of these feelings up. Saddest thing I've ever seen on television. I don't think I can watch it next season.

 

Don't tell me anything- Our tv is down until the living room gets finished and I plan on getting caught up then!