Hi everyone, I dont know if anyone will come back to me to offer any advise as I can see that this thread is quite intermitent. Certainly, many of the posts here have helped me a little bit, to see the way some of you who suffer from OCD think about the difficulties you have, and also people living with others who have it cope. Gives me some idea of what I might be getting into, but I would really appreciate any advise or support anyone here might be able to offer me in my situation, either by PM or within the thread.
I have just recently entered into a relationship with someone who has OCD tendencies amongst other problems (often the damaging effects of life cannot be categorized aye). He had full blown hand washing OCD when he was a teenager, but somehow managed to switch it off, sort of. I think he managed to bring it under control, by expanding it and thinning it out, so that rather than it being full blown with one particular thing, it kind of is half blown on lots of things. Subtle enough not to be too noticable, but at the same time, not full blown enough to bring to his attention as making life difficult. And lots of his anxieties are based around real problems that he has (mast cell activation syndrome = LOTS of allergies) which often serve to justify them, a bit of a catch 22 there.
We have been together for a few months. I feel very strongly about him, and would like to see if we can make things work, I worry because I have already made the fatal mistake of telling him how deep my feelings are for him, which may set things up for a fall. We have had a few of arguments, at first, I do what I usually do, I am easy going and adaptive a little like the guy in one of the posts above, and I found resolution in the argument, by focusing on what I might of done that contributed to the argument, in order to move things into a more reflective dialogue which might encourage him to examine his own behaviour. It partially worked, but not as much as I would have liked, and I ended up in a situation where the argument had been my fault, which I believed, but also had this intuition that it may have been a smoke screen for something else.
We had another argument the other day and I am left feeling a little bit nervous about the whole thing. This time round I didnt take the blame, as I was able to remember the dialogue of my point well enough to demonstrate that actually, I hadnt done anything other than express my view on something that was different from his, but no matter how excepting I was of his, he still was very angry, a sort of no win, which we managed to draw to a close and get off the phone with him reflecting an understanding of the imovability of the situation. Following this he sent me some texts apologising, very reflectively, which was reasurring. He obviously had some awareness that he was carried away.
What I am seeing though, is there are a lot of deep seated anger and control issues, that manifest themselves as kind of passive aggressive. On the one hand he is angrily defending himself, against an attack that is not there. In fact, it was just against my response, that some difficulties in my life at the moment arnt necessarily because he is in my life giving me his bad luck because I dont see things like that, that started it. Very strange. Throughout the argument he was insistent that I was being patronising, and that I acting as though my view was better than his, and that I was wrong to see things the way I did (My attitude is that things are constantly changing, a pork sandwich today is different from the one you had yesterday, even if they look the same, where as he is very defensive of the idea that they are the same, as an analogy that history always repeats itself, which I think somehow maintains some sort of negative core belief he has that might well be connected to many of his issues, which may have been why he reacted so strongly).
However, as I said a bit earlier, I am now feeling a little bit worried and uncertain, am I in over my head? I would really like to build a relationship and perhaps a life with this guy, we have many things in common and a lot of fun together, and he can be a very reflective person too, but I am starting to feel myself worry about expressing what I think about something in case he perceives it as an attack on what he thinks (which it isnt).
I understand that in many ways, this is a common relationship issue that most couples might have OCD or non OCD, but its difficult to explain, his anger elevated so quickly, over something that I am not sure would have affected someone who didnt have the problems that he has. Infact, many people would have seen what I was saying as something kind. I was basically saying that it wasnt his fault that I am having difficulties in my life (which it isnt, they are completely unrelated), which is what makes me think it is a control issue. Needing things to be about him and his difficulties maybe? I dont know, do any OCD sufferers here find themselves viewing their loved ones experiences in terms of their difficulties in a similar way? Is there any part of what I am describing that sounds familiar?
He nearly did it again last night, but I now know that when he makes one of those comments that I should not engage with it at all. He said something negative and I stayed silent, he asked me why I wasnt saying anything, and I stated philosophically that I didnt know what to say and that there was nothing I really could say to something like that, its just what he thinks and feels; and he sighed a note of understanding and the conversation moved on...so I guess that might be a tip for anyone who has had a similar difficulty.
Gosh, this is a long one, if you have gotten this far, thank you for reading and if there is any advice anyone can offer me in the thread or by PM, or books (NOT "THE RULES" as someone advised earlier lol) about living with someone who has problems I would much appreciate it.
Many thanks,
D
