Hello
I just stumbled across this forum and everything I read just seems to lead me to more questions. I'm hoping someone can shed some more light on these issues. Thank you so much to everyone who has posted here, so far this has been very helpful. the wealth of information is very intimidating though, especially to someone with attention problems. I'm sorry if these issues have been addressed before, I don't really know where to go from here or what to search for. Also I don't know if I'm posting in the right forum, but it seems I have a little bit of everything listed here...
My story: when I was 10 I began exhibiting repetitive motion of the neck and head as well as several ocd symptoms like hand washing, obsessive tapping, and rituals with stairs and others. Around the same time teachers began complaining about attention issues and problems paying attention in class. I always got good grades, and always knew the answers when asked, but teachers would call on me because it appeared that I wasn't paying attention. When I knew the answers they were surprised. I have some sporadic memories of this and I think that I would figure out the answer from some sort of short term memory of what they were saying. like I wasn't paying attention but I had a tape recorder in my head, and when they asked me a question I could play the tape back and figure out the answer. I've always been quick and good with numbers, but tasks that require sustained attention are very difficult.
My mother took me to my pediatrician because the ocd was driving her insane and she was worried about the head-jerking movements that appeared seemingly out of nowhere. He referred me to a neurologist who diagnosed me with a mild case of Tourette's. Years later we would find out that he was a child molester, and he attempted to molest me (I won't go into details here but needless to say it causes me to completely distrust his diagnoses and doctors in general). I also went to a psychologist who diagnosed OCD and recommended some behavioral therapy.
I believe I learned to cope with most of these symptoms as I got older specifically through excersise, and I was able to reduce my tics (*or so I thought). The still come back strong sometimes and new ones have developed that I didn't even realize until I understood them in this context (or maybe they have always been there I don't know).
I went to a good college and did very well studying physics, and was a two sport varsity athlete. When I graduated with honors I couldn't seem to find a job that I could tolerate. I couldn't imagine sitting at a desk all day and I think I subconsciously knew about these problems and the limitations they placed on me.
I became a waiter and eventually a coach of a very intense sport (I'm going into much detail because It's very specific, and I'm very paranoid about someone finding out about this and thinking I am crazy). Both of these jobs are fairly intense and require quick thinking and being active and moving around. I also got very into running and, looking back I see that running was definitely a way of self-medicating. I also have always been a drinker, not a binge, blackout, puking drinker but I definitely drink more than average and more frequently than most people. I think this was a way of medicating as well.
Recently (10 months ago... I am 29 yrs old btw) I injured myself and was unable to run or do much aerobically for a while. I think I became depressed, and the tics, and ocd got much worse. I began looking into grad school or other jobs but the idea of focusing was so hard that I couldn't get motivated to do anything. I began researching depression in the internet and stumbled across an informational ad/hd article (i.e. not one of the many fake websites put up by pharm companies to try and convince you that you have a problem). I fit the profile of someone with ad/hd to a T (the inattentive type not the hyperactive type). Right down to the impulsiveness and difficulty maintaining relationships.
I think that I actually have Ad/HD, though with the OCD I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac (or so I'm told). I sometimes wonder if I just dwell on it so much that I convince myself I can't focus. In any case, the results are real, I'm pretty much unable to do anything for more than 5 minutes except maybe in the morning after a cup of coffee. I've taken three breaks in typing this so far. When I'm reading I tend to jump over sections that are involved or contain words I dont' know almost by habit because I know I won't be able to keep going if I get off task. My main problem is that I dwell on worst case scenarios A LOT and it takes up so much of my mind.
Recently I was in a very short but intense relationship with a girl who I fell very hard for very quickly. Even when things were very good with us, when she wasn't around I coudln't stop thinking that she may stop liking me, or cheat on me, or worse die in some sort of accident. I because consumed by it so much, and then it actually happened. She cheated on me, and said that she couldn't be in a relationship with me right now, but that she had very strong feelings for me but she was in a bad place and wanted to take a step back. I obliged, because I knew she had been struggling, and we continued to date occasionally. However I couldn't stop dwelling on more worst case scenarios, and it tore me apart and I let it tear us apart. I stopped speaking with her but for months I was totally consumed by dwelling on the failure of the relationship. At the same time I had surgery for my injury and was prescribed hydrocodone as a painkiller. When on the hydros everything was much better. I was able to have positive thoughts about the future and even get some small tasks done that I had been putting off. When the script ran out I went right back to dwelling and pretty much unable to do anything more than my very basic responsibilities to get by. I was able to return to my job and start running again, which made things much better (or at least tolerable... I was still having the same issues I've had all my life).
Then two things happened: I spoke with the Ex, who informed me that I had never given her the space she had asked for, and that we were so damaged that it was unlikely that we could even be friends. This was the time I realized how much damage my problems had caused, and I had a mini-breakdown. I was up all night dwelling and felt like I wanted to cry but couldn't. The next day I called the psychologist that had seen me as a child and told him I thought I had ad/hd and anxiety problems. I also injured myself again and was bedridden for a week, and am still unable to excersises for another week (this was 3 weeks ago). The psych said that I had exhibited attention problems since childhood and based on a survey he gave me concluded that I had adult ad/hd. (he was aware of my previous diagnoses of ocd and tourette's). I told him of the dwelling and he called it an "internal distraction that happened with the inattentive type of adhd.
Due to the tourette's he said stimulants would likely exacerbate my tics, which was why I wasn't prescribed one as a child. He put me on strettera which I am currently on my 4rth day of. The side effects are quite unpleasant, naeusea and tingling all over my body, as well as irratibility and trouble sleeping (though I had that before it seems worse). I agreed to try it for another few days because he says it takes some time for your body to adjust and he is confident there is a good chance it could help me. I still dwell, but maybe the fact that I've typed this long means it's starting to work, but maybe it's because I've had 2 strong sups of coffee and about 3 beers oever the past few hours. The medicine is $200 a month and my insurance doesn't cover it so its a very expensive chance. He says it may take up to 6 weeks before it works, which means another month of scraping by, getting nothing done, and suffering in my own head... just for a very expensive shot.
In researching these problems online I came across PANDAS, and it seems likely to me that this was the root of my problems. In middle school I had strep almost constantly and at one point was put on an antibiotic for an entire year. I thin we later determined that I actually had just one long lasting case of strep and that was resistant to antibiotics. I never got very sick, but would occasionally have a sore throat, and every time I went in for a strep test it was positive without fail. I had 7 cases in one year, which led to the year long script. I know little is known about PANDAS but from what I've seen the consensus is that is tends to dissapear into adulthood. Mine clearly has not.
If you've read this far I want to sincerely thank you for taking time out of your day. I don't know what I expect to get here but it feels good to have everything written down and at least tell someone who will believe me. It's so frustrating to tell people I think I have some problem and have them say "oh yeah I have trouble paying attention too, you're normal", or "you just need to snap out of it" or the worst "you're really smart, you are one the smartest people I know".... If I'm so smart why can't I go grocery shopping or budget my money or stop thinking about a 3 month relationship that ended 5 months ago?
I've tried reading the research but I'm simply unable to read a medical report and make sense of it. Does anyone have any idea where I should go from here? I'm getting close to wits end, I'm not suicidal at all, I figure worst case I'll just dissapear into the wilderness and live like a caveman (haha)... but the idea of running away is more appealing every day.
Thankyou again for taking the time to read this, I just skimmed over what I've read and it's almost funny how much this problem has run my life.
-pete
