xeven101

hello, I'm new to this forum, but not to OCD. I'm a male who started experiencing the first symptoms of OCD as a teenager, and now, almost 20 years later, they have progressed to a nearly debilitating level. The version of OCD that trips me up is checking things - water faucets, electrical appliances, lighters, candles, making sure doors are locked, making sure the car is in park, etc. This sounds mostly harmless and even like a responsible thing for an adult to do, but it stopped being harmless a long time ago. The amount of energy I put into checking things and the amount of distress it causes me have gotten out of control. I guess that's why I'm here. I know exactly what you mean about people referring to you as "lazy." The word that I hate that has been associated with me at all of my numerous jobs is "slow." Because of the compulsion to check my work over and over and over, it takes me much longer to complete tasks, no matter how simple they are. This has led most bosses and coworkers I've had to conclude that I'm slow because I'm either stupid or lazy. I quit a job about two months ago because I was informed that I was going to be fired at the end of the month due to poor productivity. I wanted to tell them about the OCD situation, but I just didn't feel like anyone would care or understand, so I just quit. In the job I held before that, I was constantly in trouble with my boss due to daily tardiness. The tardiness was caused by the checking, which caused me to check over nearly every inch of my house before I left for work in the morning. I usually have to allow for about an hour of checking time every morning, but sometimes even an hour isn't enough. I can't express in words the amount of shame I've felt over the years because I'm unable to hold down a job without constant trouble from the OCD. I've given up on having any friends at work because, inevitably, they will catch me checking something over and over again. Almost everyone I've ever worked with then concludes that I'm crazy or just weird and then avoids me as much as possible. I have friends from high school that I still see occasionally, but seeing them involves leaving the house, which requires a tremendous amount of energy and will power to accomplish. The unfortunate conclusion I usually arrive at is that it's just not worth all the pain I'll have to go through in order to go out and see my friends. I haven't told them about the OCD, either, so I think it comes across to them like I don't care if I see them. It's true what you said about men having it more difficult when it comes to this illness, simply because of the our society's stigma about men admitting to having problems. Of course I don't know what it's like to be a woman, but I do know that women tend to have people they can speak honestly to, while most men seem to have to keep problems hidden. I am blessed to be married to a woman who is trying to help me with this illness. When we got married, the OCD wasn't nearly as bad as it is today. I feel bad for my wife, because there's no way she could have known what she was getting herself into. When we got married, I also didn't know how bad this illness would become. She has been trying to find some kind of help for me. I think she is afraid that I will eventually become one of those people who never leaves the house and are unable to work. I'm in a new job now, but already I'm getting in trouble for being too slow. There's a feeling of hopelessness I have, knowing that the OCD will destroy so much and there's very little I can do to prevent it. I'm concerned, too, because the OCD seems to be branching out into other areas. For example, a few days ago I was hit with a very strong compulsion to steal. I didn't go through with it, but I'd never felt any kind of compulsion like that before. For the past few months, I've also felt compulsions that cause me a lot of anxiety when I have to throw something away. I guess this is the beginning of hoarding. I'm scared of how bad things are becoming. At least I'm attempting to do something to treat the OCD. I guess if I can get on some kind of medication and into counseling, maybe things will get better. I know I should have gotten help a long time ago, but I guess I always thought I could handle this problem on my own.