I am a 30 year old male. I would say my sexual orientation my whole life has been straight. I have had several girlfriends over the past 14 years and sex was always great. I have a child through one of these instances.
During the past 10 years of my life I get these thoughts. They are more or less homosexual in nature...It occurs mostly when I am laying in bed about to go to sleep. My mind becomes a big pornographic stage and these situations start to play. I try to control them by switching them around. I try to counter act these thoughts of homosexuality with thoughts of heterosexuality but the draw back to that is ...I end up in a full blown fantasy which then I can not sleep. Some times these situations can be reoccurring over and over again. The details are always the same.
I am in no way attracted to men. I have never felt the actual desire to go out and bring these thoughts into real life. These thoughts do not turn me on. They more or less concern me. I never wanted to actually go out and have sex with men. I do not question my sexuality ...I mean I've only ever been with women...and I believe I am just not a man's type of man if you catch my drift.
...I have even spent hours and hours trying to desensitize myself to sex by spending hours looking at various different images around the internet for the most part it works. I end up feeling disgusted and all goes away for a while.
But then it happens at times where I am sexually hungry. I have a girl friend currently and we just don't have sex...we have in the past...but she has issues with herself that keeps sex off the table. I try to understand and do what she wants but it is hard. When we had sex life was normal. I didn't have these obsessive thoughts nor did I have the need to fantasize. None of these homosexual thoughts or heterosexual fantasies lead to masturbation. I very rarely feel the need to masturbate.
Recently these thoughts have become very intense ...the past 3 weeks. My Dr. recommended me to take St. John's wart because I have anxiety. I haven't had any anxious episodes at all in 2 weeks so the St. John's Wort seems to be helping. I think that being anxious curbed these thoughts in away …because these thoughts were never this intense when I was anxious.
My mind races into sexual overdrive every night. And I can no longer control it. I just do not know what to do. Should I stop taking the St. John’s Wort and just live with being anxious?
