Mr_Shepherd

This is EXACTLY what's happening to me. I'm sorry but I am thankful that others know what I'm going through and that I'm not alone. I'm still suffering but I feel a little better. I have no desire to leave my girlfriend. I love her so much. I used to cry thinking about what misery I've brought her. I always told her she's the world to me and I meant it. I devoted myself to her and our relationship and I was never happier and then...this ###### started. So yeah you are not alone.

I almost cried reading this. Thank you. I haven't been going to church faithfully. I think about praying all the time but I think that it won't help me. I've prayed before but I'm still suffering. I am sometimes so upset that I question God and wonder why he let me be so happy just a few years prior. I was so happy, so in love, so ready to get married, and devote my life to my girlfriend and having a family. She was my everything. Now I don't know anything. I question my feelings about everything including religion, myself, and my relationship. And that just makes me miserable.

I can relate. This has just been killing me for the last 2+ years. I've gotten to the point where my life is just pure misery. I've thought of committing suicide several times just because I can't take it anymore. I think just how f***d up am I? Why? Why do I think sexual thoughts like this? Disturbing, twisted, and distressing...At first I was limiting my contact with others just so that I could better manage my situation. I was also wondering how people didn't know that there was something incredibly wrong with me. The worst part of how this manifested though...is that it manifested during a deployment while I was away from my friends and family. What a f***g nightmare. I am so scared to look at people sometimes because I know it's coming. I just don't want to think it. Somedays are harder than others. Like today for instance was just terrible. I wanted to die. But that's not really true. I just want the pain to stop. I am just in an unbelievable amount of pain, and distress from these thoughts. I've been with my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years. Before I left on my deployment, I was convinced that I had found my soulmate. I was so thankful that she was the love of my life. To feel that...To be at the peak and all of a sudden be plunged into this abyss of constant misery...I just. I'm just losing it. I can't tell anybody I know. I don't want them to know. If my girlfriend knew the truth about what goes in my head, I'm convinced she'd leave me. I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I look into the mirror and see my reflection but I can't reconcile it with the monster that these thoughts convince me that I am. ...Yet somehow every other aspect of my life is going how I had intended. I'm out of the service, I have a very nice job, I'm still with my girlfriend, and I have no debt and more money than I expected. Yet all these things are inconsequential when weighed against how much pain this...what is this exactly?! OCD?! Am I just some sick disgusting nut job?! ...Aaargh. I am so frustrated, and scared and depressed at the same time. I can't imagine talking to some stranger and telling them what I'm thinking. ###### even I don't want to think about what I'm thinking. To actually verbalize it to someone else?! No way. I've been thing that I should just get my hands on some OCD meds and see if there's any result. I know that that's not going to be easy though. I'm sorry I rambled...I'm just..!!