Hello. I am new here in this group. However, I too have been shocked at how many people feel the same way I do.
I have been terrified many times over thoughts that I have had. Like many of you, I have had thoughts of guilt over thinking sexual thoughts pertaining to young children. The thing is, usually the thoughts that I have aren't even actual thoughts. I can see and be around children with very little or no sexual arousal, but cannot however get over the feelings of guilt and shame that come from worrying that I could be of harm to them.
Having the potential within myself to be of harm to a child is of course, taunting, but possibly just as horrifying is the thought of ever wanting to do anything sexual with a young child. Sometimes I test myself to make sure that I'm not attracted to it, by thinking sexual thoughts about children on purpose, to see if it gives me sexual arousal or an erection. On very rare occasion, I will experience a slight erection at the thought of engaging in a sexual act with a child; but at the same time I will experience EXTREMELY powerful amounts of guilt and disgust over my reaction to thinking that way.
I would assume that it is in human nature, to have a physical reaction to thinking sexual thoughts of any nature, but it drives me insane nonetheless.
I was sort of wondering if anybody else experienced any physical arousal when thinking the thoughts that they are so worried about. I would like to know that I am not alone in that. Although I do experience these compulsive thoughts and have the occasion reaction of an erection, I also feel that I know inside that I would never want to be involved with a child at all sexually.
I identify as a homosexual male. I have had urges of sexual nature for males for as long as I can remember, adult males in particular, and the amount of arousal and personal satisfaction that I achieve from thinking of males my own age or older is very strong. I feel no guilt in regards to those feelings. If on occasion I have feelings for females my own age as well, (which very rarely happens,) I also embrace those thoughts as being completely healthy and normal.
It's when I get so disgusted by the thoughts of doing sexual things with kids, and getting even the slightest semblance of physical arousal at the thoughts that my mind tortures me with, that I begin to cry, hate myself deeply and seriously consider suicide.
I too, wish that I could just feel normal again. I have long periods of times which I am not plagued by these thoughts, but when they hit, for the amount of time that they do hit, they hit me very hard.
I feel certain, CERTAIN that I would rather die than engage in a sexual act with a child. I also know that if I ever felt so much as remotely attracted to a child, and achieved satisfaction from that attraction, then I would most certainly commit suicide. Furthermore, the thought of ever actually ENGAGING in a sexual act with a child alone, makes me feel disgusting and sick. Which is partially how I know that I could never ACTUALLY do anything like that. Like many of you, as I have collected, I do however feel stuck in a pattern of thinking thoughts that I find to be disgusting, which makes me feel horrible about myself as person.
Please get back to me. I second guess myself all the time. The slightest thoughts can seriously disturb me.
There was a time recently when this young boy's sister, (or the young boy himself, referring to himself as his sister,) asked me via myspace to commit a sexual act with them. I of course said no, but attempted to tell the boy that if he was having sexual thoughts for other males then he could talk to me about it. I wanted to help him come to terms with himself because I didn't necessarily believe that he was indeed his "sister." He was somebody who when I was in the 8th grade, he was in the 6th grade and I found him to be attractive. Now I am in the 9th grade and he is in the 7th grade, but still I wondered if I was just telling myself that I wanted to help him come to terms with himself, when really I was trying to "lure" him in or something.
I just feel so dark. In the end, I told his sister, (or him, whoever the case,) that I would not do anything sexual with them, and advised them not to try and tempt people sexual online or anywhere else, because there are a lot of sick people out there who look to hurt them.
I feel disgusting. Thinking about the email I got from him, and the arousal that I did at first get from it, (even though he is in the 7th grade and I am in the 9th, which may not seem like that HUGE of an age gap but to me it is,) I just feel completely sick and disgusting.
If somebody could PLEASE help me that would mean the world to me.
I really REALLY want to stop feeling like this. I might talk to my counselor at school about it today if she is there.
It's difficult to talk about an issue like that because I know that I will be wondering if deep down she is wondering if I am a monster or something, which very well may also be what some of you are wondering right now.
While I was sexually active once when I was 11 with a 9 year old, and again when I was 12 with an 8 year old, (both males,) I am soon going to be turning 15, and can assure you that basically since turning 13, for the last 2 years, I have been trying to seek help for how horrible I feel over this issue. I've called suicide hot-lines, talked to friends online, and talked to the occasional trusted friend on the phone in regards to this issue. I can also assure you, that for the last 2 years, upon realizing what I actually did, I have felt genuinely horrible for the things that I did with those 2 kids. I have tortured myself with it almost every day for 1 1/2 years, and off and on for the last 6 months or so. I feel intense guilt. I feel awkward when around kids, although like I said, not sexually aroused.
It is when I play out fantasies to "test" myself, that I begin to feel the slightest bit of arousal which as a male, of course, reaches my penis. It sickens me. I've cried about it tonight a lot. I feel quite suicidal over this issue, but am passionate about not letting it end my life. I have hope that I can get over this for the future.
I only hope that it doesn't actually mean that I am a "monster," or molester/pedophile. Or that I may one day be one. I would honestly rather end my life.
Thank you for reading. Sorry if this is too wordy. I wanted to be as accurate in describing my situation as possible.
Please offer me whatever insight/help/advice that you possibly can.
I'll do my best to get back to you.
