My whole life I've always wondered why I can't stop my brain from thinking a mile a minute...why I'm always obsessed on negative thoughts...why I get mad at the smallest stuff, so on and so forth. Why I have sudden impulses to crack someone in their face with my fist for no reason.
Then I just happened across an article on OCD and it raised an eyebrow. Then researched OCD top to bottom, left to right for months and realize I 100% positively have this disorder. I haven't seen a health care specialist, but there is no doubt I have this. As if all the pieces didn't fit together enough, I read how many sufferers excessively peel the skin on their nails and for years I have been baffled by impulses to do this to the point that my fingers are bleeding profusely.
Now that I understand myself a little better, I know why I constantly find myself trying to hate or be annoyed at the person I love. I been with my girlfriend for 5 years and continue to let myself get enraged at everything she does. All her personaility quirks drive me insane to the point where the other day I finally just said, man she aint the one for me. But then it finally dawned on me that maybe it was HOW i viewed her quirks or personality that was the problem. I realize that I get really mad at dumb things. I get mad at the fact that she only likes to eat organic foods. I get mad at the fact that she always locks the door when I get out of the car. I let everything she does stress me out and don't know why. I tell myself shes not the one for me and that shes a "b*tch" etc etc. Then when my brain calms down I realize how much I love her and how good she is to me again.
She is a loving, caring person who goes out of her way for me, has always been there for me and is fun to be around. She left me once last year and I realized how much I love her and how good she was to me. When I got her back I said I would make her my wife but since it hasnt happened yet she broke up with me. I love her and its killing me inside that I can't accept her for who she is and that my mind is telling me that shes no good.
I need to conquer this and see if I can deal with her with MENTAL clarity and realize if its my OCD making me think shes not the one for me, or if she REALLY isnt the one for me. Has anyone gone through this also? Please advise, this is the 11th hour for me before she leaves me for good.
