justme07

Carolyn -- I am having a tough time today - I feel wierd around my daughter, even not having these thoughts I feel extremely awkward around her... Like I have the urge to carry out these thoughts but my LOGIC and HUMANITY keeps me from doing it.. It is like a strange battle going on with myself and I DON'T KNOW WHY.. I don't want to feel this way, it makes me sick that I feel like this and I don't know how to calm myself down or reassure myself that I would NEVER do it... Why do I feel this way? Why can I be fine one day and completely off the next? I just don't understand.. Maybe I should be away from my children.. I don't know what to do anymore!

I have had the same things happening to me, and talking with my aunt (who I trust extremely high) and she has helped ease my mind. I have started meditation - asking GOD and my angels to help my subconscience vibrate at a higher level thus reducing these thoughts - Lately I have struggled more and more with it - but finding this site and discussing these issues and figuring out that I am not the ONLY one that thinks this way helps. It helps also knowing that the thoughts we are having aren't who we are and isn't what determines who we will become. Thoughts are NOTHING unless put into actions - and for me I KNOW it will never become an action, it is just scary that random thoughts like this come into our heads - I am going through it too and I am here if you ever want to talk.. If you would like to help each other through this I am here..

Carolyn - Thank you SO much for your reply... It feels so good to know that I am NOT crazy... That I am NOT the only one suffering from this battle.. I too believe in GOD but have a different way of expressing it.. I meditate,chant,pray,and communicate with my angels.. I spoke with my aunt who is very intuitive and is trusted STRONGLY by me... She explained and told me the same things you have said to me, which makes me feel SOOO much better.. I thank you so much. It is scary - and you hit the nail on the head when you said that the thought of WHAT IF I COULD DO THIS TO MY CHILD enters my head - and yes the more I try and get rid of the thoughts they come worse.. I have a plan to do my meditations more and more, and get the help from my aunt that I need - But I am glad I found this site and have the support on here.. Thank you again so much.. Thank you for the prayers it means a lot to me..

To start at the beginning I was raped at the age of 15 by my boyfriend at the time. He forced me to have anal sex with him - Then after the relationship ended I hadn't realized how traumatic it truly was.. I proceeded to a new relationship and had my daughter when I was 18 - I then went into a severe depression and had a technical nervous breakdown. I started to have unwanted sexual thoughts about my family, my new daughter and many of my friends. I flipped - thought I was a repulsive person that needed to be put away never to see my child again. I went to counseling to figure out what was going on in my head and why I had these thoughts. It boiled down to the traumatic event that occurred when I was only 15 - So at that point I let it ride.. The thoughts gradually decreased - I would go through my patterns where the thoughts would get worse, stronger, and make me feel like I wanted to end it all and leave my daughter with her father - thinking she would be much safer with someone who didn't think like I did. The more I thought about it the more I realized that it wasn't ME that was thinking this way - These thoughts don't determine who I am. The thoughts are scary, annoying and have prevented me from living happily and normally. I KNOW I am not sexually attracted to children, my family or people who are close friends to me - but to have a thought like that come into my head it bothered me.. Still does. I then started to do meditation and was told that there are no 'original' thoughts - thoughts are random and flow through us like air - you have to see a thought and tell yourself it isn't yours and move on.. I keep telling myself that, but now my daughter is 5 years old and I have thoughts of sexually abusing her when I know I NEVER would! It makes me sick to think I would even allow a thought like that into my head, and feel guilty and uncomfortable around her.. She is only 5 and likes to hug and I just can't do it.. I caught myself snapping at her because she wanted a hug.. Then moved into the guilty feeling because it isn't her fault, she just loves her mom and that is all she knows.. So to say the least these unwanted sexual thoughts have put me in a state of wanting to end it all - I tell my husband about these thoughts and he is here for me, holds me when I cry about it, tells me he isn't going anywhere and knows I don't have it in me to ever act on these thoughts - Also says it is just a thought and I need to learn to let it go.. I know if I let it get to me then I will be miserable forever... But also realized that my antidepressant medication could be causing these thoughts - So changing those is on my mind... It feels better to get it out to people that understand and either have or are living it. I guess if you have anything that will help me ASAP let me know.. I don't want to live this way anymore an want to feel normal.