sporte

I've come across this forum a few times over the last few years, and I've always found it to be a huge comfort to me. Like a lot of you, I've also had sexual thoughts that I've been forced to live with, to deal with. When I was in Year 12 (or senior year - american equivalent, im Australian)), I began having sexual thoughts toward a 9 year old girl whom I was extremely emotionally close to. I saw her standing there, naked - that's how it pretty much started.. I considered her like a sister - her family and my family were very close, but our relationship began to turn into an obsession - I started calling her baby, spending more time with her than her brothers, I had pictures of her all over my locker, her drawings that she did for me were plastered all over my room... And the funny thing is, for a long time I was blind to it.. I couldn't see the wrongdoing in having pictures everywhere or spending so much time with her.. I never hurt her, thank god.. I dobbed myself in to my school psychologist, who prohibited me from communicating with anyone below the age of 16 while i was at school, which meant no catching the bus home... I'll never forget, one day while my psych was looking for someone to help me, she called me into her office and told me to get out of the house, to not be around when this girls family came over.. I went straight to the toilets and cried for about fifteen minutes.. That was the time I realised that this wasn't a game.. it was the real deal... My psych then found me a really good forensic psychologist, who I'm still seeing today.. Writing this at the moment, it all still feels like a dream.. even though all of the above happened over 3 years ago now... It's a nightmare that I'll never be able to wake up from. The thoughts didn't stop there either... they then grew to involve all kids.. I'd walk past a kid anywhere between 3 and 16 in the street and have a sexual thought about him/her... Nowdays, the thoughts aren't as bad - my psych taught me some great techniques, one being covert desentsitization - basically allowing the thought to happen, letting it run and not fighting it, and then intervening with a negative consequence - like getting caught by the parents - it worked for me.. I know, deep within myself, that I would never act on these thoughts... I'd kill myself if I ever did. The worst thing is, when you're alone with a kid and the thoughts pop up - I tested myself once, babysat a friend's 3 year old for about half an hour - I had a thought, but I could control it - but the sickening, disgusting feeling I had afterwards was enough to have me fighting back tears. I hate this so, so much. People who I tell this to.. they see it as an attraction.. first thing they say to me is 'you had feelings for her/them' but thats not true at all.. i never did.. but its the only way they can understand it, so I guess i've become kind of numb to what they say/think/believe over time... I'd never wish anything like this upon my worst enemy... but... At the end of the day, I think I can say I'm very, very glad I took the path I took. I'd hate to think where I'd be if I hadn't spoken up.... I hope I've been able to help someone with my story - thanks for listening... Anyone wants to talk, feel free to drop me a line... Cheers, sporte