braindump

Oh my god I can't even begin to tell you how great it feels to have found this forum. I am tormented around the clock with homosexual thoughts and have no idea how to handle it. I am happily married, have an amazing sex life with my wife and still can't stop fantasizing about homosexual encounters. When I was very young, I was exposed to sexual materials and situations and even acted out with cousins (hetero and homo)and a close friend which tortures me daily that I molested them even though we were all the same age range. I have a suspicion that I may have been molested but don't know for sure. When I was n my early 20's I had a run of drug use and counteless sexual encounters of which one was oral with 2 men... Oh my god it feels so good to admit that out loud. I don't know what to make of all of this, I am not attracted to men in fact the fantasies are totally faceless, they are litteally focused on performing oral sex on men. I tried the exposure approach by looking at porn on the internet but that seems to fuel it further? I think I am part OCD, part sex addict part just a mess. I have considered the possibility of being bi-sexual but I really don't think that's the case as I have no interest in being with a man other then very specific fantasies... Is it possible that my boundaries are so screwed up from such a young age that I don't know which way is up? Thank you for letting me rant and any insight would be a great relief. I love my wife and children and want this torture to stop, it is really begging to take a toll on me...