Albeit this being a personal ###### for the lot of us, it’s rather comforting to read that people are going through a similar thing as I with deviant sexual intrusive thoughts. This is a part of me that I have always been disgusted with. I’ve seeing a therapist about this for some time now and glad he’s shown me some insight onto this and how it relates to OCD.
These homosexual intrusions started with a dream I had once when I was about 20. I’m now 28 and am finally learning to understand how to cope with them, but it was at the expense of a serious relationship I once had with marriage potential. At first, they started as simple thoughts which deeply bothered and disgusted me. Being scared of what I don’t understand, I set out to explore it a little further, on my own without the help of a therapist. I acted on these thoughts in a manner consistent with someone who has OCD, by taking physical action on them. I was very disgusted with my action, and knew then and there in my early 20s that I am very heterosexual but clouded with these delusions. I was able to control them for a long time; they were just thoughts. There would be rare occasions where they would draw me to internet pornography, or reaching out to someone with similar interests. It was an inner battle of disgust vs. uncontrollable subconscious thought. The good thing was I never needed to take physical action again because I know where I stood, I was very convinced of who I was. I had them licked; or so I thought.
Later on, I had gotten into a serious live in relationship with, what I thought at the time was a good woman. These intrusive thoughts and impulses completely vanished, not out of repression, but they just disappeared. Behind my back she was scouring my computer, for no good reason. She found evidence of these impulses on my computer which was well before we were together. Naturally, she was very concerned and brought them to my attention. I was very offended by this maneuver, because, it sounds silly, but looking into my computer was like someone intruding on my own head. I had a lot of information in there, stuff I write, and stuff about my intrusive thoughts. It was a veritable journal of my psyche. Now I was at a point in my life where I had accepted what was going on in my head, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t how I know I’m going to live my life. I love women and I damn well know that’s all I want. But now I was being judged by someone close to me that just wouldn’t take the time to understand what was going on or listen to me. In a nutshell, she never got over it and drew her own conclusions. That is a pain I cannot describe in words. It took a year, she brought it up constantly in arguments and I had to end it once and for all. But her constant suspicion and lack of understanding of me was a major setback in my battle over this. I had come a long way prior. I dived into a deep depression, started drinking a lot, slacked off terribly at work and became more obsessive compulsive. I thought I had lost my mind for sure.
Finally I am beginning to come to terms with it again, and my life is back on track. But what ails me the most, is how I should handle this with my next relationship? I’m getting serious with someone and not sure how to approach it. Eventually I would like to get married and have children. I’m not one to hide the truth and firmly believe that trust is a critical asset. Thankfully the conversation has never came up, but eventually it will and I am loathing it.
