Hi everyone,
I can sympathize and relate to people in this conversation thread. I'm a 48 year old man with OCD. I have several of the OCD symptoms but the one that has been the most troubling by far are the intrusive/unwanted thoughts. I've had them for decades now. They have and still are driving me crazy. My thoughts have changed over the years though. For the last 11 years (roughly) my intrusive/unwanted thoughts are primarily sexual. I have managed to either divert the thoughts by altering them enough and letting them through or suppressing them all together. I'm constantly doing this all day and even at night in my sleep. It's exhausting! Sometimes in my sleep they slip through and I wake up emotionally wrecked and devastated. I have heard people say it's just a dream let it go. No it's not just a dream when it grabs you emotionally and physically to the point you cry over it.
I'm a heterosexual and I've have had some bad dreams in my life but the one I had the other night was the worse. It was a homosexual dream that came out of no where and has got me thinking suicide again. If I had a nickel for every time I thought about suicide I could have retired by now. The nightmare of nightmares has absolutely wrecked me emotionally and has crippled me to the point I can barely function. It's brought tears to my eyes on several occasions and I truly feel like a broken man right now. The only good thing about it is that it happened when it did. It wasn't the night before or after a special occasion or in the middle of a vacation. I've had entire vacations, holidays and special occasions ruined by these intrusive unwanted sexual thoughts and dreams.
I've tried several of the medications for OCD over the years and none of them did anything for intrusive/unwanted thoughts. Some were good for depression though. I have been to several specialist (psychiatrists psychologist etc.). I have identified my OCD symptoms. I have a good idea what has made me anxious and I'm aware of them. I have dyslexia and that has created a lot of anxiety ever since I was a child. Back in the 80's (mostly) I had panic attacks or anxiety attacks or whatever you want to call them. I thought I was having a heart attack kind of feeling. This went on daily throughout the day for weeks and months on end. I don't know how I survived it was so bad.
I realized way back in time I bit off more goals then my dysfunctional mind could handle. That created lots of anxiety. I decided not to add any more goals and reach the ones I have already set. After that I will only take bite sized goals at a time. I will try to live more in the present instead of being so future minded. It's been hard to live in the present when I've been unhappy with myself. Living for the future gave me hope and helped keep me going. I've gotten to the point that I'm going to have to change my mind set or I'll be chasing my tail the rest of my life. I'm also on the lookout for pitfalls to avoid.
My first wave of unwanted/intrusive thoughts was questioning accomplishments. This started back in the early 80's. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I scored the touchdown or whatever it was that I questioned my mind would ruin the satisfaction of the achievement. This kind of thinking spread to questioning anything good I did small or large. I would try to convince myself by going over everything to eliminate the doubt. It might do it for a second but the doubt would creep back in. After years of suffering I did something different and stopped trying to convince myself. I would put the thought aside and let my mind simmer down. Before I knew it I wasn't having those kinds of intrusive/unwanted thoughts anymore. I recognized a pitfall to avoid and now I avoid it and don't get caught in a vicious circle that I could never win. Also during that time period what helped is that I finally graduated from college which eliminated a lot of anxiety. As time went on I kind of realized that "hay I don't have the questioning of accomplishment like I used to". I still get it a little here and there but don't try to convince myself for any length of time. I try not to think about it and that's the end of that.
For the last 11 years or so my intrusive/unwanted thoughts are mostly sexual. I've managed to do some tricks like "Veering" I call it. I would take the bad thought that I knew was coming and alter it a little. I go with the momentum and let it through. The thought was changed just enough so that it didn't bother me. I also have some phrases I say to both distract and give me comfort some how. One thing I've done over the years is keep a file to organize my thoughts and gather information about my problems. Organizing your thoughts and knowledge can be VERY helpful. The Internet is very helpful. I didn't have this luxury years ago. I was in the dark about a lot of things for years!
I'm trying to reduce my anxiety because I suspect it's at least if not entirely responsible for pushing out my unwanted/intrusive thoughts. Considering how bad this last dream was I'm going back to my psychiatrist even if it's just to organize my thoughts, update and get it off my chess. That's my game plan.
I hope I can shed some light for someone in here. Don't forget your not alone. OCD is painful and unwanted dreams of sexual nature are painful. We should be able to manage them better if we exchange ideas. Let's face it, the mental health industry is still pretty much in it's infancy and it's not and exact science like math and physics for example. The human mind is very complex and all I ever hear is this theory or that theory. One of the things we should all be doing is exchanging experiences. Maybe there are correlations that can be detected and recognized as the heart of certain problems. Who knows maybe in the future they will actually find a cure instead of the manage it best you can approach (medication and or therapy).
Todd
