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How do you explain to siblings?


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Last night just broke my heart. During bathtime my 3 yr old daughter looked at me and said "Mommy, I don't want my brother any more" I asked if she meant she didn't want to take baths with him any more (my PANDAS son is 2 1/2 - they still bathe together sometimes), and she said "No, I don't like him, can we take him back to the store and sell him?" When I asked why she said she didn't like him because "he was mean and tries to hurt her".

 

This was especially upsetting because after about 5 wks on abx we've seen a SIGNIFICANT improvement in the aggressive behavior/rages - he even had two "normal" days this week based on our Buster charts!

 

I tried explaining to her as we snuggled in bed last night that her little brother is sick, and he doesn't mean to be mean and hurt people, that's why he takes his medicine every day. But she said she didn't care, she still wanted to sell him back to the store.

 

This morning, when I asked if she still liked her brother, she said "No, I don't like him, and I don't love him."

 

Any tips on how to make young children understand? Any books for siblings that you'd recommend?

 

Amazingly, my son seems to grasp that he's sick because if he has a good day - he tells me by saying "I feel better" and bad days he'll tell me "I'm yucky"

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Even my 17 y/o and 16 y/o have a hard time with their 9 y/o brothers symptoms/ they understand it but have No one they can get support from in it besides us and thats when we have the time. The 6 y/o's we focus on explaining he is sick, but it is still hard for them because they pick up on some of the behaviors. The 4 y/o's we have the hardest time with- they are ssssooo young to understand and are so sensitive, they cry and are just traumatized by it all. I am interested to know the same thing, about siblings and what others have done- good thread question!!

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It's hard with siblings. They also have to deal with alot since so much attention needs to be give to the PANDAS child and the parent becomes exhausted and depressed.

 

When my son would have high anxiety, rages, etc, I made sure siblings left the room. I didn't want them to see him like that.

 

Good news, as time passes and things settle, they probably won't remember. My older son just says his brother acts different if he has strep and that's fro him hearing me talk to my husband. But he doesn't even remember how.

 

I did tell him that his PANDAS brother was sick, it was making his brain sick,and he couldn't stop what he was doing. That it wasn't his fault and that he would get better.

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There's not much you can say to a 3 yo that will change how she feels. Just know that by getting your son healthy, you're setting a framework where they can improve their relationship, but at this age, they may still see each other as something less than great friends. At 3, anyone who doesn't serve your needs isn't rated very highly.

 

Since we couldn't do much in the way of peace brokering at the worst of times, we focused on what we could control - and that was my healthy child's safety and sense of well being. We couldn't always shield her from my son's meltdowns or rages, but we were vigilant in making sure they weren't left alone together and when rages did happen, one parent would remove her from the room and spend play time with her while the other parent dealt with the sick child.

 

The other thing we did was make a big effort to have "dates" with each kid separately. We tried really hard to let my daughter (who was 3 at the worst of it) know she wasn't losing her parents or always have to compete with a disease for our attention. We also did family therapy and some role playing with Polly Pockets so the kids could say things about the dolls that they were afraid to say about each other. Mostly both kids wanted an insatiable amount of attention and we just had to try to give them as many "normal" moments as possible.

 

There's not much you can do to make anyone else feel they way you want them to. All you can do is make them feel safe and understood and important to you. Their relationship will evolve many times. So don't be hard on yourself and just get as many hugs spread around as you can.

 

(BTW - my kids, now 5 and 7 - who once hated each other, are currently in a love fest. This too will pass. They keep you guessing - it's in their job description - PANDAS or no PANDAS).

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There's not much you can say to a 3 yo that will change how she feels. Just know that by getting your son healthy, you're setting a framework where they can improve their relationship, but at this age, they may still see each other as something less than great friends. At 3, anyone who doesn't serve your needs isn't rated very highly.

 

Since we couldn't do much in the way of peace brokering at the worst of times, we focused on what we could control - and that was my healthy child's safety and sense of well being. We couldn't always shield her from my son's meltdowns or rages, but we were vigilant in making sure they weren't left alone together and when rages did happen, one parent would remove her from the room and spend play time with her while the other parent dealt with the sick child.

 

The other thing we did was make a big effort to have "dates" with each kid separately. We tried really hard to let my daughter (who was 3 at the worst of it) know she wasn't losing her parents or always have to compete with a disease for our attention. We also did family therapy and some role playing with Polly Pockets so the kids could say things about the dolls that they were afraid to say about each other. Mostly both kids wanted an insatiable amount of attention and we just had to try to give them as many "normal" moments as possible.

 

There's not much you can do to make anyone else feel they way you want them to. All you can do is make them feel safe and understood and important to you. Their relationship will evolve many times. So don't be hard on yourself and just get as many hugs spread around as you can.

 

(BTW - my kids, now 5 and 7 - who once hated each other, are currently in a love fest. This too will pass. They keep you guessing - it's in their job description - PANDAS or no PANDAS).

 

I am going to echo LLMs statements (minus the kids being in a love fest -mine are 13 and 15 and tolerate each other most of the time). When my son was young some well -intended people suggested I do family counseling, but I did not think that would help (and I did not think I had time for it), because my son's behavior was not CAUSED by family dysfunction - it was leading TO family dysfunction. However, as he got older we did do parent training for ADHD and family counseling, and it really helped to put my husband and myself on the same page and to help my son develop a sense of being accountable for his behavior without blaming him for his challenges - and I do wish we had done it sooner. It sounds like you are doing a great job of explaining it to your daughter. Please keep us posted on how things go!

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Last night just broke my heart. During bathtime my 3 yr old daughter looked at me and said "Mommy, I don't want my brother any more" I asked if she meant she didn't want to take baths with him any more (my PANDAS son is 2 1/2 - they still bathe together sometimes), and she said "No, I don't like him, can we take him back to the store and sell him?" When I asked why she said she didn't like him because "he was mean and tries to hurt her".

 

This was especially upsetting because after about 5 wks on abx we've seen a SIGNIFICANT improvement in the aggressive behavior/rages - he even had two "normal" days this week based on our Buster charts!

 

I tried explaining to her as we snuggled in bed last night that her little brother is sick, and he doesn't mean to be mean and hurt people, that's why he takes his medicine every day. But she said she didn't care, she still wanted to sell him back to the store.

 

This morning, when I asked if she still liked her brother, she said "No, I don't like him, and I don't love him."

 

Any tips on how to make young children understand? Any books for siblings that you'd recommend?

 

Amazingly, my son seems to grasp that he's sick because if he has a good day - he tells me by saying "I feel better" and bad days he'll tell me "I'm yucky"

It would have broken my heart too, but she's just three, don't worry, it will pass... I don't know if it's much use "explaining" things to a 3-yo (my favorite phrase at that age is "I don't argue with three-year olds!"). Your kids are both so young, your best bet is probably to give your daughter tons of affection and reasurance, and keep a watchful eye so little brother doesn't get a chance to hurt her. I think if she gets enough attention and feels secure, she'll be better able to be compationate towards her brother.

 

Hang in there!

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my 8 yr old has pandas, last week my 3 year old told me she hated pandas. i think they understand a lot, because they sort of have to. my little one wants to see all the bad moments, to make sure her sister is ok. i try to distract her or put her in another room, but she resists.

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There's not much you can say to a 3 yo that will change how she feels. Just know that by getting your son healthy, you're setting a framework where they can improve their relationship, but at this age, they may still see each other as something less than great friends. At 3, anyone who doesn't serve your needs isn't rated very highly.

 

Since we couldn't do much in the way of peace brokering at the worst of times, we focused on what we could control - and that was my healthy child's safety and sense of well being. We couldn't always shield her from my son's meltdowns or rages, but we were vigilant in making sure they weren't left alone together and when rages did happen, one parent would remove her from the room and spend play time with her while the other parent dealt with the sick child.

 

The other thing we did was make a big effort to have "dates" with each kid separately. We tried really hard to let my daughter (who was 3 at the worst of it) know she wasn't losing her parents or always have to compete with a disease for our attention. We also did family therapy and some role playing with Polly Pockets so the kids could say things about the dolls that they were afraid to say about each other. Mostly both kids wanted an insatiable amount of attention and we just had to try to give them as many "normal" moments as possible.

 

There's not much you can do to make anyone else feel they way you want them to. All you can do is make them feel safe and understood and important to you. Their relationship will evolve many times. So don't be hard on yourself and just get as many hugs spread around as you can.

 

(BTW - my kids, now 5 and 7 - who once hated each other, are currently in a love fest. This too will pass. They keep you guessing - it's in their job description - PANDAS or no PANDAS).

Your reply brought tears to my eyes - I currently have a 7 year old dd - and her three year old sister has witnessed far too much on the rage end. While we try and keep one from the other during rage episodes - (which are currently in remission thx to Biaxin and Dr T.) sometimes, being alone with both, it's near impossible. When my husband is home in the evenings - it is more tolerable. Strangely enough, though I worry so much about my younger daughter and her perspective on things - she is absolutely crazy about her big sister, and just tries to correct her if she says something "mean". Sometimes the innocence and love of the little one brings my oldest daughter out of a rage, and into a fit of laughter.. I guess God knew what he was doing here...

Good luck.

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Thank you all for your support and suggestions, I agree it is likely just the ups and downs of sibling rivalry. They've just always been such good playmates before. On Saturday she told me "I like my brother again, he's all better cause he took his medicne" That leads me to believe that it is mostly the ficklness of being 3 and a minor understanding of his problem.

 

It helps that we had a GREAT week! Only 2 bad days at school (out of 5) and a wonderfully well behaved weekend (Even went to dinner with 15 other couples and a gaggle of under 5 children and he was an ANGEL!) - that is up until bedtime last night, when he didn't want to go to bed and we were dealing with exorcist child until about 10:30 pm, when we finally felt he wouldn't get out of bed anymore and just left him to rage himself to sleep. Felt awful about it, but at that point we didn't know what else to do. I'm blaming the time change for throwing him all off.

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Thank you all for your support and suggestions, I agree it is likely just the ups and downs of sibling rivalry. They've just always been such good playmates before. On Saturday she told me "I like my brother again, he's all better cause he took his medicne" That leads me to believe that it is mostly the ficklness of being 3 and a minor understanding of his problem.

 

It helps that we had a GREAT week! Only 2 bad days at school (out of 5) and a wonderfully well behaved weekend (Even went to dinner with 15 other couples and a gaggle of under 5 children and he was an ANGEL!) - that is up until bedtime last night, when he didn't want to go to bed and we were dealing with exorcist child until about 10:30 pm, when we finally felt he wouldn't get out of bed anymore and just left him to rage himself to sleep. Felt awful about it, but at that point we didn't know what else to do. I'm blaming the time change for throwing him all off.

 

 

Hang in there! It WILL get better - it's been 5 years since we had IVIG - and my children are very close in AGE - at the time my son with 7 daughter 8 another son 5...they were very sad and often received the brunt of my son's anger....BUT they were very protective of him - as well....

 

I echo Vicki - in that often I would have them leave the room...private time to calm down and LLM as far as one on one - time ...we 4sure did that....

 

I'm sure your all doing this - but when my son had the rages - I was nonreactive ....closed the door of his room and I sat on the floor and waited for him to call down....I was stronger than he was...so physical reactions were a non-issue.

 

As for older children and adults - today...when I speak of my son's Pandas I tell them to think about a brain injury that someone receives in a car accident - how this can change their personalities....it's very similar ...the brain needs to recover., and that's have I refer to my son - that he is in recovery - or remission , I don't state that he is "cured" - I don't think I can do this...he is symptom free -

 

YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS AND YOUR SON WILL GET BETTER - I said that every day to myself there was no doubt ...it may take people longer then others...and variations of treatment - but it will happen

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