Jump to content
ACN Latitudes Forums

Evenings


Suzan
 Share

Recommended Posts

I'm writing this down to you guys in my own way of coping so thanks in advance to listening, I guess you are my therapy! Right now my dd8 is lying on the kitchen floor on her stomach with her 6 times flash cards. She is hyperventilating and whining out each answer as she turns them over and when she gets them wrong, she groans and moans and wails out that she got it wrong. If I try to help her, she gets mad, if I igore her, she gets mad, if I'm helpful, she's mad, if I get annoyed, she falls totally out, if I correct her, she falls apart. She gets it done and she says 'please just one more time, I just want to do it one more time' and it all happens all over again.

 

Before this she was trying to do her homework. I asked her a few times to just do it in the morning when she felt better but she wouldn't stop trying to do it but she can't do it. The teacher changed the spelling rules on her and so she was confused whether she had to do one or two assignments and it was so overwhelming she could not do it and she could not even write legible.

 

Now she's trying to do her homework again. She's crying 'Mommy help me, come sit with me, please, help me, I can't do it' but if I go sit with her I do something wrong and make it worse. She looks so absurd that if I'm not mad at her, I end up laughing tonight since I'm just sitting here not knowing what I should do and I know that's not good at all. Our Dan! doc referred me to a behavorial specialist today. I guess we need it. I am not equiped to deal with her.

 

Plus, she's eating like crazy. She won't stop eating. I think she's trying to make it all better by stuffing herself.

 

susan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gosh I feel for you! I feel as though I am NEVER equipped to deal wit my son.

 

We see a behavior specialist, one of the MANY EXPENSES of this disorder, and it really helps me! IT should give you strategies for homework, e.g. "I know you can do this! I will give you a timer to do the first problem and when it goes off, I will come help out". But if your child is just not available, sometimes it is useless.

My son thrives on STRUCTURE which I am not great at doing. I still search for solutions, and have many afternoons that resemble yours, and A LOT WORSE if that makes you feel better.

 

My son too goes through those eating spurts, sweets especially. He has such an awful diet that it is embarassing!

Hang in there!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm writing this down to you guys in my own way of coping so thanks in advance to listening, I guess you are my therapy! Right now my dd8 is lying on the kitchen floor on her stomach with her 6 times flash cards. She is hyperventilating and whining out each answer as she turns them over and when she gets them wrong, she groans and moans and wails out that she got it wrong. If I try to help her, she gets mad, if I igore her, she gets mad, if I'm helpful, she's mad, if I get annoyed, she falls totally out, if I correct her, she falls apart. She gets it done and she says 'please just one more time, I just want to do it one more time' and it all happens all over again.

 

Before this she was trying to do her homework. I asked her a few times to just do it in the morning when she felt better but she wouldn't stop trying to do it but she can't do it. The teacher changed the spelling rules on her and so she was confused whether she had to do one or two assignments and it was so overwhelming she could not do it and she could not even write legible.

 

Now she's trying to do her homework again. She's crying 'Mommy help me, come sit with me, please, help me, I can't do it' but if I go sit with her I do something wrong and make it worse. She looks so absurd that if I'm not mad at her, I end up laughing tonight since I'm just sitting here not knowing what I should do and I know that's not good at all. Our Dan! doc referred me to a behavorial specialist today. I guess we need it. I am not equiped to deal with her.

 

Plus, she's eating like crazy. She won't stop eating. I think she's trying to make it all better by stuffing herself.

 

susan

Hi Suzan,

I feel for you! It's so frustrating when they want help but they don't want help and no matter what you do, you can't help!!! For my son what works in those situations it's to either not engage at all (using your example, just take the cards and walk away), or just say "you may keep doing them as long as you are nice/cooperative/whatever"

The big problem is in the evening when they are tired everything is harder. Would just giving her a good dinner and sending her to bed be an option? I know some of these options might seems cruel and cold, but I don't think perpetuating the cycle is any kinder :lol: It is so hard not to loose it! Just remember she is sick and there is only so much she can do, and there is only so much you can help her.

 

Also, with the eating, that to me is a red flag. Do you know if she has parasites, candida, or any other gut issues? I would check into that.

 

Hope the evening finishes on a smoother note!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She's crying 'Mommy help me, come sit with me, please, help me, I can't do it' but if I go sit with her I do something wrong and make it worse. She looks so absurd that if I'm not mad at her, I end up laughing tonight since I'm just sitting here not knowing what I should do and I know that's not good at all.

 

Oh, we had one like that ...

 

When our dd9 was at her worst, she would do these really odd things like shout out:

"Go away, but you can't leave" "I need you here but I'm mad at you" It was all the contradictions. It was at the worst of her OCD -- she could sort of see the contradiction but not really (at the time she was 7). It was a bit scary at the time because you could see how distressed she really was. She says now that she wanted to be alone and slam the door (like any other angry 7 year old) but couldn't stand the thought of being along (strong separation anxiety). So frustrating for her and us.

 

Buster

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I try to help her, she gets mad, if I igore her, she gets mad, if I'm helpful, she's mad, if I get annoyed, she falls totally out, if I correct her, she falls apart. She gets it done and she says 'please just one more time, I just want to do it one more time' and it all happens all over again.

 

 

my son totally does this. i read in an ocd book this summer, "there's either yes or no and neither will suffice". i remember on the today show, Sammy told a story about when he wrote 'help' - he worded it very interestingly, something like 'once when someone was working with me and i just wasn't able to accept their help' - it so hit me b/c it's so like my son - just not able to accept help.

 

a few weeks ago we had an interesting situation. he was not in exacerbation at the time so that makes a difference too. he didn't come up for dinner after many calls/going to get him. he came upstairs and freaked out that we were all eating. i took him in the other room and after much yelling/crying i remember megsmom wrote something about piling pillows on top. i asked him if he'd like that and he said - no, i'd like to go lie in my bed. i went with him and he calmed down and in about 5 min was able to discuss that he was so sad we'd said grace without him.

 

it's hard but i think so important to get them out of the groove they're stuck in when nothing works. sometimes we're able to go back when not in the heat of the moment and ask him what he'd like for us to do. then when it comes up again, i say 'remember when you said you'd like me to do X or you'd like to do X'. works sometimes, sometimes not.

 

this is something i struggle with b/c it's so *** frustrating to be a part of and to try to extricate yourself from.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

my son totally does this. i read in an ocd book this summer, "there's either yes or no and neither will suffice". i remember on the today show, Sammy told a story about when he wrote 'help' - he worded it very interestingly, something like 'once when someone was working with me and i just wasn't able to accept their help' - it so hit me b/c it's so like my son - just not able to accept help.

 

a few weeks ago we had an interesting situation. he was not in exacerbation at the time so that makes a difference too. he didn't come up for dinner after many calls/going to get him. he came upstairs and freaked out that we were all eating. i took him in the other room and after much yelling/crying i remember megsmom wrote something about piling pillows on top. i asked him if he'd like that and he said - no, i'd like to go lie in my bed. i went with him and he calmed down and in about 5 min was able to discuss that he was so sad we'd said grace without him.

 

it's hard but i think so important to get them out of the groove they're stuck in when nothing works. sometimes we're able to go back when not in the heat of the moment and ask him what he'd like for us to do. then when it comes up again, i say 'remember when you said you'd like me to do X or you'd like to do X'. works sometimes, sometimes not.

 

this is something i struggle with b/c it's so *** frustrating to be a part of and to try to extricate yourself from.

 

Smartyjones, you reminded me of a few things, maybe I need to keep a list so I can remember when we are in the middle of it....

 

Once she told me when she's like that she needs an apple sauce and glass of water. We did that for a while and it would work to bring her out of it but then it stopped working. She also likes heavy pressure. Maybe if I would have lay on top of her today she could have gotten control of herself, or the sensory brushing techinque, or a popcicle. I bought a swing from IKEA for hopefully an affordable sensory swing but she doesn't like it. It's not soft enough and she wants one like they had at her OT's office. I don't know if I spent the money for one like that if it would help for long enough to justify the money.

 

Anyway, I'm just rambling now. I appreciate everyone's responses. It seems wrong to be glad I'm not alone but it does help.

 

Buster, such a great word for her...contradictions. I always called it the push-me-pull-you for lack of a better word. She's always "go away, come back". I tell her now, "if you push me away, don't get mad if I leave". Usually then she just laughs like she's crazy if I say that. She must know it makes no sense but she can't help it.

 

Susan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wish I had an easy answer for you, but I can at least offer sympathy.

 

Your story about your daughter and flash cards could easily have been our DD9. That contradiction of wanting two mutually-exclusive things at the same time was a really common occurrence for us.

 

The only thing I EVER found that helped me was just to keep lowering my emotional energy the more worked up my DD became. In other words, if she was getting upset, I deliberately lowered my response - lowered my volume, lowered my physical movements. I tended to mirror her questions back at her and ask gently what I could do to help.

 

It certainly didn't always work, but it usually didn't make anything worse.

 

Pixiesdaddy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wish I had an easy answer for you, but I can at least offer sympathy.

 

Your story about your daughter and flash cards could easily have been our DD9. That contradiction of wanting two mutually-exclusive things at the same time was a really common occurrence for us.

 

The only thing I EVER found that helped me was just to keep lowering my emotional energy the more worked up my DD became. In other words, if she was getting upset, I deliberately lowered my response - lowered my volume, lowered my physical movements. I tended to mirror her questions back at her and ask gently what I could do to help.

 

It certainly didn't always work, but it usually didn't make anything worse.

 

Pixiesdaddy

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I've been there....maybe not over flashcards but getting the number or letter etc to look perfect...even after he had erased until there was a hole in the paper....then he was upset over the hole in the paper. I've tried holding him tight ....even though he may resist at first ....eventually his body would go limp and he would lie in my arms and cry and evenually it would pass ...until the next obstacle.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only thing I EVER found that helped me was just to keep lowering my emotional energy the more worked up my DD became. In other words, if she was getting upset, I deliberately lowered my response - lowered my volume, lowered my physical movements. I tended to mirror her questions back at her and ask gently what I could do to help.

 

This is a behavorial technique that really does help us too - I had to learn how to become really really calm in the worst of it. We learned to stop homework before the spiral started. At anything, if she becomes frustrated we stop immediately, and do something else - for us, usually something like a head stand. Then we go back to it. When we started this, she would scream & have a tantrum. But we lasted through that, and now it works. She is still mad about it, but she knows that when you are frustrated, you can't get anything done. This is true for all of us, but usually the break would let us talk about it and make a new plan for whatever needed to get done. Of course if it is an OCD repeat, then that has to be dealt with or the frustration will just keep repeating.

 

I know it sounds mean, but I would take the flash cards away. Just like a young child's tantrum, you have to be ready for the storm but it does pass.

 

Susan - this may not work for you - but I so hope that your behavorist can help with some techniques for your beautiful daughter. I found that I had to become a whole new kind of mom. I hated it for a long time & mourned my "ideal mom" state, but now I ok with it. Meg knows how much I love her, and we try to explain anything that we need to do to help her. And I really hope you consult with Latimer!!! Hate insurance!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Our dd eats way more during epidodes. I can't tell if it's an emotional thing, she needs the energy 'cos it's draining on her or more like a reverse anorexia thing going on. My sister (who MAY have exhibited signs of PANDAS throughout younger life) says that when she was 7 she just decided to eat (a lot). That was how she described it, she couldn't define it any more than that - just she decided to eat more.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, at least there is a break sometimes. This morning, dd woke up early and in a good state of mind. She has eaten breakfast and gotten dressed by herself with no incident (except for some sibling rivlary over the remote control :wub: ).

 

I love you guys.

 

Susan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, at least there is a break sometimes. This morning, dd woke up early and in a good state of mind. She has eaten breakfast and gotten dressed by herself with no incident (except for some sibling rivlary over the remote control :wub: ).

 

I love you guys.

 

Susan

 

Yeah!!! Every good day counts - glad for you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...